bubeye

Done here. May pop up elsewhere at some point. Will need a fresh start somewhere else, some day.

Thanks for following along. You can always find me on Facebook for now.

Brain Dump

I wish that I did not love him so much. *sigh*

My brother has a warrant here in this county from 2008.

M's ear draining (she has swimmer's ear) is GROSS. I used to get that a lot as a kid. I had forgotten about the ooze. Yuk.

Her teacher told me yesterday that she is "blossoming in every area! She is amazing!" Then she went on to tell me that M is a joy and she has enjoyed watching her open up. *beams*

I am afraid of the future. I do not know if I am doing the right thing on any front. I have never been one to be so afraid ... ugh.

I am trying to just.. have faith. Believe.. believe that it will all be ok. I keep telling myself to 'just believe' ...

I am hooked on 'The Event' and had NO idea that was Jason Ritter. He is nice to look at. LOL.

My kid says the cutest things. Today she told me that she was ready for the 'confection' in her ear to go away. The other day she was coaxing her toy kitty to 'come to Uncle Maya' .. LOL. I was after her to pick up her toys the other day and she responded by putting her hand on her hip, cocking her head while throwing me a glance and saying "Fiiiiine!" Oy.


And that is it. I guess. I had more, but I have been interrupted so many times while trying to post this!

Jim

Jim has been around for a long time. I mean, you know, on the internet. ;o)
I have switched blogs and platforms so much over the years, that I lose links. I have a copy of my very first blog though, with the link list intact. And every so often I venture in there and have a look-see. Most of the blogs are long gone. Not Jim, though.

The funny things is that I had been thinking about him recently. He had a Nan and Pop, just like me. And when his Nan passed, he moved into her home, and made it his family's new abode. He did tons of remodeling. I remember him posting pictures. It turned out absolutely magical and I was SO happy for him.

I, hopefully, am about to do the same thing. There will be no wild upgrades or remodels or anything like that. I am just going to move my stuff in, and make it mine. You know, if all goes well. It is all still up in the air and I probably should not even be mentioning it, but I am busting at the seams over here. I already know where I am putting things. I am hopeful, and excited, and scared that it won't happen. So I am just pushing the negative aside, and staying positive that that is where I belong, and so it shall be.

*breathes deep*

Venting

People irritate me.

This morning when I logged in to Facebook, there was a story from a local news station about a Deputy who was killed in an early morning accident. The story was an update from the original reporting of the story, and it simply stated that the officer was dead following the accident downtown.

No other details are given.

And the people commenting are going off because they used the word dead.

Now, I know a few people that simply to not like the word, for whatever reason. But I am of the thought that well, it is just a word. Dead is dead. We all die. It is one thing to not like the word, but to go ON and ON about how they should have worded it differently, perhaps to say that the officer passed away, would have been nicer.

Really? Guess what? If someone passes away, they are still dead! Changing the word does not change the fact!

Meh. I am just being pissy I guess. *sigh*

Hmmm

So I was thinking that I would just blog over at the old Mother Hen site for things related to M and parenting and all that. Oooh. A mommyblog! Aren't you all just THRILLED? Hah!

I do know that some of you like to know what is going on in that realm, and I like to blog about her, so why not? I am thinking though, that I may password it, so that I can freely post pictures and stuff.

I just do not know yet. I AM blogging elsewhere. It is a place to dump my heart and soul in regards to T and what has happened. I am not putting it out there, as I have clearly done enough of THAT. I just needed a private place to blather on. No one has the URL and I think I am gonna keep it that way.

I am also blogging over at Tikigirl but a lot of that is paid posting. I try my best to keep it real but sometimes I have to stretch LOL.

What else? Hmm. Oh yah. This morning, I promised the pea that she could have a donut this afternoon if she went to school with no screaming (because she started in first thing this morning!)and no drama. Bad mama, I know. But she does not get that sort of thing often at all. We eat pretty healthy over here. So, it was a treat. She was a doll this morning and her teachers said she had another GREAT day! YAY! So, we went to D and D and she got a chocolate milk and a strawberry frosted donut with sprinkles.

And I managed to lose my Paypal debit card while there. I called the store but no one turned it in. I am pretty sure I lost it in the parking lot. I had stuffed it in my pocket and my pockets are shallow. Pea sat in the front seat with me while she ate. When I got out to buckle her into her seat, I am sure it fell out into the parking lot. Ah well.

So I transferred the money to my bank account, cancelled the card, and requested a new one.

No studying til tonight after the pea is in bed...as my mom is at work today. Anxious to get it all done so I can get a J O B.

Had to go to Tampa today to bring T his checks. The palm trees in my old backyard are so dead, one of them fell over. Ugh. Makes me so very sad. But, I cannot dwell on what was lost. I allow myself to cry when I need to, but all of that shit is no longer my focus.

M and our future IS what my focus is and will continue to be.

I am DYING to get back to the gym. The next time I take a body pump class, it is going to KILL me since I have not been in like a month. Major suckage right there.
I was going to get back into it this week, but feel like death due to a wonderful sinus infection. ugh.

Aaannnd that is all me thinks. Off to watch my guilty pleasure (Days of Our Lives. SHUSH.) and then I am off to Walgreens for more Nyquil, Vicks and tissues!!

Til next time........

Changes

Gonna have to ditch this place soon, as I am not going to be jenhen for much longer. Have an appointment with a divorce attorney this week. I really just want to get it all over with so I can move the hell on.

I cannot spend too much time blogging, facebooking or tweeting. I cannot spend a whole lot of time doing much of anything, as I MUST complete school and get a job. No more dragging my feet. No more sitting around, depressed and mopey. I do not have time for that anymore. NO more excuses.

I opened photoshop this morning and made a wee collage that included a photo of M, a photo of an Xterra similar to the one that I used to have, a pic of a cute little house with a fenced yard, and a kitty. THAT is my inspiration. I want nothing more than to finish school, get a job, get my damned truck, get a place to live with a yard so my kid can go outside to play (we can't do that here. she is not supposed to be here. No one under 18. Luckily mom has tolerant and kind neighbors..for now anyway.)and a kitty.

And a fish tank. LOL.

Anyway, it now resides on my desktop, where it will stay until I get each of those things checked off of my to do list!

Sometimes I need that motivation. Sometimes, I NEED that kick in the ass so I can get over my self and my self pity and get a move on.

I procrastinate. A lot. It is the one thing that I wish to change about myself above all else. I would have a lot less problems in life if I just stopped with the procrastination already.

And with that, its back to studying.

:)

Ugh.

Well, that did not take long huh?

My head is SPINNING and I just need to vent.

I made T leave today.

For real this time. I know I know, I can see you rolling your eyes. Quit it. I am serious.

For the last 2 weeks or so, he has been whacked out of his mind, and I could not figure out how he was doing it. All of his meds are accounted for. He is taking them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME most of the time... so WTF??

Today, I caught him snorting a pill, and he told me it was one of his morphine pills. It did not dawn on me until AFTER I asked him to leave, but that was NOT a morphine pill. His pills are blue. This was a white pill.

Anyway, I have just simply had ENOUGH. I cannot take another day living like this.

---------------

Last night, I sat here for almost FOUR hours. I cried the entire time,and went through an ENTIRE box of tissue, while going through all of the photos of our time together that I have on this computer. It was torture. I am not sure why we as humans do shit like that. But whatever. I did just that. I came across three photos that just left me speechless.

These photos show a beautiful, happy, smiling T. I see the man that I fell so deeply in love with, the man that I had hoped to grow old with. They cut me to my core and left me gasping for breath. The crying was unstoppable.

People see him now in a bad way. They think he is an asshole, or a jerk. He is none of those things. He is simply an addict, an addict with real pain issues, who is faced with a very difficult choice several times a day. Each day when it is time to take his pain meds, he has to fight to do the right thing. Now, before anyone jumps on me for 'making excuses' for him, it is what it is. That is just how it goes for addicts. Not an excuse, but FACT.

I apologize for rambling and being all over the place. I knew this day would come. I have known that for awhile now. It is still hard because I love him. Well, I love WHO he once was. He is not that man anymore. There are still bits of the man I love in there, but mostly he is gone.

I gave him a choice today. Leave and know that you are NOT coming back. EVER. Or stay, and tomorrow I take you for help.

He kissed me on the forehead, told me that he loved me, hugged M tight, and walked out the door.

THAT. Right there...was IT.

Then. AFTER he left, I thought of something.

Recenly, my mom had been put on Methadone for her pain. She had a very negative reaction to it. She told me that she was going to take it in to the docs for disposal. I called her this evening (she is away on vacation) and when I asked her if the pills were white, she said yes. I asked her where she put them. She told me and I went to look.

They are gone.

NOW I know why hes been so whacked out, and how hes been able to do it without going through a bunch of his pain meds.

And THAT made me steaming MAD. I have been lied to, right to my face, for the LAST time.

He left on his bicycle, with his meds, and a change of clothes. I told him that I would keep all his stuff til he had a place to take it all. That day, I am pretty sure, will never come. As soon as he left, I checked his calls on the tmobile website..and I checked his contacts. Sure enough, hes already been in touch with a cr@ck dealer!

So I messaged him to tell him that the phone would be shut off tomorrow by noon, and that he needed to get himself a phone with minutes PRONTO. I think he has his phone off so not sure if he got the message or not. But tomorrow by noon, it WILL be off.

And I am changing my number from the get go. I am not playing all of those games like the last time. Screw that noise. He also needs to get a PO box because I do not want to be responsible for his mail and his meds coming here ...

I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I really though that after M went to bed, I would be a MESS. I am not. I am sad. I am angry. I am empty. I am afraid of what is to come... his drama and all that. Afraid that hes going to kill himself. But all of this is HIS doing. I did ALL THAT I COULD to help him.

I have known that you cannot fix broken people. And yet, I STILL always try.

WHAT is wrong with me?

Oh, And I hope to file for divorce within a month. Just need the $500 to get it started on my own so I don't have to pay a lawyer $3k.

Ok. That is better. I am going to go watch Army Wives now...

Stick a fork in me..

I am all done here. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Play nice.. take care.

Dad

My cousin posted a pic on Facebook tonight, a pic of my Dad, and his mom and sister, and what I believe is his half-brother.

It really got me.

My Dad would have loved seeing such an old pic, especially since my Nan and my Aunt have recently passed. It would have brought a smile to his face and tears to his eyes, as it did for me.

I miss my Dad in ways that I still cannot put into words. And all that I can hope for is that he has all of the answers to all of his questions now. Of course, that also means that he now knows things about me that he never knew. My deepest, darkest secret, if you will.

That bothers me. I have dreams of dying, and he is there, waiting for me as I cross over to whatever is next. The agony of not knowing what his reaction will be causes an upwelling of dread the likes of which I have never known.

On one hand, I know that my Dad loved me unconditionally. I also know that my secret would have gutted him to his core. So I can honestly say that I have NO idea what his reaction would be.

And my dreams yield no insight, because I always wake up before I reach him.

Ugh.

Why?

You are obviously mad at me. Why do you come here every day? I am just curious...
Not that I expect an answer, but I am still curious.

Here we gooo!

I am so not ready for M to be four. LOL.
*sigh*

So, the party is set. Email invites were sent. All replied but one, and I even got a pleasant surprise in the way of a friend willing to bring her granddaughter, who is just a few months younger than M. I think it will be a good time. I love seeing M happy and she just loves the place, even if I do not LOL.

T's bankruptcy went through yesterday. He also got all of the paperwork for the new job. Of course, they do a background check. His latest fall from grace left him with a misdemeanor (simple battery), and we are hoping that the company can over look it. He had to give a reason for it on the app. He was honest, as much as he could be.

He goes today to drop off the pre-employment paperwork, and to take the drug test.

Hopefully he can start within the next two weeks or so. It is going to be nutty for me until we get a car. I have to take T to work, across town, for 8, and somehow be back here to get M to school for 9. I am thinking he is going to have to go into work earlier during the week. On Fridays, hes going to have to go in later, as I will have to take Mom to work at 8, M to school for 9, THEN take T to work.

I am NOT going to complain ONE bit though, because IF he gets this job..I will be SO grateful.


SO. GRATEFUL.

greatful? grateful? Why do both of those words look wrong to me? I hate when that happens. LOL.


Anyway, moving on.. Next week is M's pre-k open house. I am so excited for her. She is so excited! When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she gave me quite the rundown, but the very first thing she asked for was "nice, new clothes for school!"

I cannot get over how..dainty she is. Me..have a dainty child? Hahaha! I was not even dainty in utero... she is just so wee and cute. My little peanut. I am excited for her new adventure! :)

Aannd I am off..gotta run back over to Tampa. Just call me Taxi Jen. :P

Huzzah!

So. Despite all that has gone on. And despite the fact that a lot of you think I am crazy for trying again, I am. Deal, mmkay? Good. Thanks. LOL.

I really did not mean that to sound as flippant as it does. I am just tired of it all. I am following my heart. I am smart enough to know that it could happen again. IF it does, at that time, I will do what is necessary. And that would be to bail. Completely. Divorce, restraining order so he cannot contact me, etc...

He is an addict. He IS working hard to overcome everything, and we are working together to move past what has happened. Can we do it? I do not know. Honestly. I really do not know. But we are going to try.

T interviewed for a job last week. We got the call today. He got the job. It is in Tampa, which REALLY sucks. He does not drive any more, which means I shall become a taxi LOL. NOT looking forward to that. But what I am looking forward to, is having our own place again, with a backyard for M. And having a kitty. I miss my cats SO much. And I cannot WAIT to have a vehicle again....

We do not know the details yet, they will be in touch tomorrow. All we know is that he got the job.

Amen to THAT!

Four

M asked me to look at old pictures the other day. Odd request from an almost 4 year old. So, I opened up the laptop and we started looking at pictures. I thought seeing our old life would bother me, but it didn't. We really had a nice life, and we will, once again, with or without T. I am working very hard for that.

We came across some photos from when we went to Shane and Shaun's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's last year. So guess where she wants her party this year?

So, I am guessing we will have it on Sunday, August 15th. The only people that will be there are us. I will let her other grandparents know. They are ALWAYS busy, so who knows. I hope at least Janet will come for an hour or so. I will invite Shane and Shaun and Heather, and hope that they will come because I do not know anyone else with kids. How sad is that?

That is why I am so excited for her to start school. She LOVES being around other kids. I cannot wait for her to have little friends she can play with and stuff.

I wish that I had more family in the area. *sigh*

So, Chuck E. Cheese it is. It should be fun. She LOVES the place. We went there for my niece's birthday recently, and she has talked about it ever since.

I cannot believe that my baby is going to be 4...

Survivor

As you MUST know by now, I am a HUGE Survivor junkie. I just read that after 10 years on Thursday nights, it is switching to Wednesday nights. Do you have ANY idea how that is going to COMPLETELY screw me UP?? LMAO!

THURSDAY is Survivor night man! Now I gotta try and get my brain to make it WEDNESDAY nights.

Meh.

Aahhh if only ALL my problems were so... ridiculous.

TOM

TOM is getting worse. It has always been bad for me. But these last two months have knocked me on my butt. I literally cannot leave the house for about 3 days. It used to just be a day like that, now it is three. Pfft. I have no insurance and no way of paying to go see my gyno. I am just hoping that nothing is seriously wrong. Ugh.

I am also having a ton of trouble sleeping. I am tired, I just cannot shut off my brain. There is just SO much going on in my life right now...UGH. I am really at a turning point, or a fork in the road I guess...major decisions need to be made and I am STILL not sure which way I am going.

My bestie told me the other day to just follow my heart. Do not listen to what anyone has to say about it, just follow my heart. Trouble with that? I am not sure what my heart feels. One day I am happy, the next, not so much.

In truth, I am a mess.

Gotta go study... see yah around.

I am 37, when does it END already?!

I was looking in the mirror, trying to figure out why in the HELL my face is breaking out like I am 13 years old...

TOM. Bitch will be here next week, and he sends his mail ahead of time. Jerk.

LOL

Taylor Lautner

I.Don't.Get.It.

At all.

Watching him on Letterman, and even if I remove the fact that he is ONLY 18? Still..Ew.

I just do not get it. He is not even remotely attractive to me.

Pron star

So. I went to high school with a dude who ended up in pron. And for those of you less internet savvy... yes, that is misspelled intentionally. LOL.

He dated a good friend of mine for awhile. And years later, another friend of mine (Stace) sent me a movie she copied off of one of the naughty channels...swearing to GOD that the dude in the movie was CG, the guy we went to school with. I watched it and was like NO WAY... yet, yes way. It was.... odd. LOL.

Recently, he added me on Facebook. Imagine my surprise. LOL. Tonight we were chatting. It was odd. He made the following comment and I could not suppress my laughter: "I am not shooting much these days, as the economy has really made a ding in the industry."

Do you see the humor in this?? He is not shooting much lately... oooh the irony in that statement.

I felt bad for him, for about a millisecond. I WISH I could get it as often as he has over the years. And to be paid awesomely for it? Pshaw! Bonus! You know, if I didn't have to a ho to do that. LOL.

All joshing aside... whatever. He works for his money. Even if the work IS fun.

Kinda jealous given how my life has turned out.


(and NO.. I would not want to be a pron star. No worries. Just feeling sorry for myself, as me and T's hard work got us where??? Pfft. )

dammit

Ok guys. I am a dolt. That link takes you to the map, and not the street view. I took a screen shot of it, but it is on my moms computer. I will post the pic later. Right now, I am headed to the pool! My nephew flew in this morning and I am anxious to see him...

Thankful for Street View on Google Maps!

Whether or not T and I stay together, once I am working I will not be able to afford to live around here. I have been looking around at the Cape Coral area. You can rent a house down there for about what a 2 bedroom apartment goes for around here.

So I find this house on craigslist. Keep in mind that I am just looking around, there is no way I will be able to do anything for a long while. Anyway, so I find this... .. Go see.

So.. I am loving the house. I read in the description that there is only ONE neighbor. And I thought... Hmmmm, so I plugged the address given into Google Maps. Thank GOD for street view.

Because THIS is the one neighbor.

NOW I know why the place is empty. LOL

Angry

I just watched the Dateline special about the oil spill in the Gulf. I am so fucking enraged right now, I can barely see straight. I am REALLY ANGRY.

Please tell me, someone, anyone, that the poor pelican they kept showing actually got some HELP. Please?

God. What a mess. And it could have been avoided.

That is what makes me madder than a pissed off hornet. According to the people they spoke to (and yes, I know one cannot always believe everything they hear..I am sorta trusting of the Dateline folks, forgive me...)this was TOTALLY avoidable.

I am not going to get into the details here. If you watched, you know. And you should understand why I am outraged. It is not just the pelicans and pipers and seagulls that suffer. It is not just the fisherman and the consumers who want their oysters that will suffer.

This is HUGE people. HUGE. And it goes so much deeper (no pun intended) than a lot of people realize.

I am angry. I am upset. I grew up on the coast. I live on the coast now. I LOVE watching the pipers scurry and the pelican do their graceful scoops. I love the smell of the ocean and I love floating about in her waves.

If you have never seen a pelican in action, you are missing nature at its best. It even makes me sad to know that those pesky seagulls that pluck half-sandwiches and Pringles right out of my hands, when I am not paying attention, are in trouble too. Then, there are all of those things that you DON'T see in the ocean. Things that will interrupt the food chain, that will have a long and lasting effect on our oceans.

Way to spend my birthday-eve. I am so totally depressed, and so totally disappointed yet again in humanity....


And then, something else that is bothering me and it should not because I SUCK in this capacity....but, I have not received even ONE birthday card. Happy Birthday to me....ugh.

Thanks

I just wanted those of you who comment to know that I NEVER think ill of you for giving your two cents. If I did not want your input, I would not blog. So no worries, mmkay??

Good. Now.. that being said, I know I sound ridiculous in saying that he is doing everything right blah blah blah. I just cannot put him out on the street. I can't. If he was sitting here all wasted all of the time, yes, that would be easy to do. But he is not. If he was smoking the big C again, definitely. I did not put up with that in our own home, I am not about to put up with it here.

What I do know is that yes, he is an addict. He is also on heavy duty pain meds because he truly requires them. And that, is too much temptation. So how does one resolve this? I do not know. I really do not.

I also know that he cannot live without pain relief. That is not an exaggeration, or an excuse. It is fact. Even on the meds, he is in incredible pain. Bad enough that he cannot chase after the Pea, he cannot get down on the floor with her. Doing the dishes even, causes him great pain. But he does it all anyway.

He says he is not snorting his meds. I am not stupid. I believe that he is. I am not sure how many pills he does (never more than 1 a day, because hes not short any pills at the moment...)or if he does it every day. I think hes careful about leaving evidence behind.

And as I had stated before, once his fines are paid, hes got to get his own place. Because for as much as I love him, I hate him just as much. And that is a recipe for disaster.

So I would rather just start clean. And yes, I KNOW that I go back and forth on this like I am on a see-saw. That is because this IS DAMNED HARD. I believe he will forever hold my heart. I really do. I think he was 'IT' ...

I also know that in a year, 5 years, I may look back on all of this and kick myself in the ass. I just have to take it one day at a time. Everyone is so concerned about M. She is here with me and my mom, not just him. He is non-violent. We have fought in front of her ONCE. I do not leave her alone with him except for when I have to go pick up my mom.

She is a happy, well-adjusted kid if you ask me. It isn't like this is a drug house and she is sitting amongst a bunch of high people. No one can tell when T has done anything. I usually can, because his pupils get all big. But that is the only sign, scouts honor.

Anyway, whatever. I gotta go get my mom...

ugh

So I have been chatting with an old friend this morning. I had wanted to show her the satellite image of my old house that was on google. Imagine my surprise when I googled the address only to find an updated image. All of the palm trees are dead, the pool is a deep green..

It made my heart SINK. It is killing me that it is just sitting there, rotting.

meh.

See?

This is why I hardly blog these days. The only time I feel compelled to come here is when I am angry. Who wants to read that shit? Ugh. Well, here I am. And if I don't whine a bit, I am gonna go postal.

I will be the first to admit that I need some help. I need someone (professional) to talk to. And I cannot do that without insurance. GREAT. I am a mess. I mean, I get up in the mornings, take care of my kid, the house, etc. I try to eat good and exercise.

But I really think I am losing my mind.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, right? Well, here I am doing the same thing over and over, only I KNOW that the result is going to be the same. THAT, my friends, is STUPIDITY. And I am not sure WHY I do this. I guess because I am stupid.

I KNOW he should be out on his ass. And I cannot make him go because I would NOT want someone doing that to me. He has done everything right since getting here, with the exception of snorting his meds once again. I am livid.

However, if I toss him out on the street with nowhere to go, all the work Mom and I have put into this whole mess was for NOTHING. I am just not about to make someone homeless, whether or not HE brought this upon himself.

Let me make one thing clear here. There are NO illegal drugs in this house. That is not what is going on. He takes more of his prescribed stuff than he should, and he snorts it instead of just swallowing it.

Drugs are drugs. I know this. And according to NA, one is no better than the other. I disagree, at least right now. He is not out smoking crack and hanging with drug dealers, so..whatever.

Yeah. I am an enabler, I guess. Even though I do not agree with that either, because he would snort his meds whether he was here or under a bridge. At least here, he is safe.

The major problem with kicking him out is his probation. This is the address on file with the sheriff, so if he were to no longer have an address, a warrant goes out for his arrest.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Yet, knowing what I now know about addiction, I cannot kick him out and make him homeless now, anymore than I could if he had cancer.

Yes, I believe it is a disease. And yes, when we fight he turns into a major asshole. But you know what? SO DO I. I say mean and hurtful things, things that I know are gonna sting. I hate that about me.

So, the plan is this... hes here until his probation is done. His lawyer is going to try to get him early termination since he has done everything that he was supposed to do. Once he no longer has that hefty fine to pay each month, his unemployment should be enough to get him a room somewhere, or a small efficiency/1 bedroom apartment.

At that point, I cannot do what I did last time. I have to immediately file for divorce, get sole custody of M, and move the fuck on. And you know what??

Once he is in his own place? I can feel good about what I did. I can say, without a doubt, that I did all that I could. What he does from that point on is just not my problem. I WILL change my number, put in for child support... and try to find myself again...


because right now, I am very, very lost. And I want me back. I really do.

Trenton, NJ

D, is that you?

I was just sitting here, wallowing in self-pity, feeling like I am just spinning in cirlces..

I want some old time JM to listen to man.

Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I am a die hard John Mellencamp fan. Hell... I BLEED Mellencamp. And the one thing that I love most about his music is that..it is timeless to me. To this day, I can listen to something he did 15 years ago, and it is as relevant to me now as it was back then.

And as I sit here RIGHT now reflecting on my current situation, I yearn for some old time John Cougar. My CDs are tucked away in my storage unit. I know exactly where they are and tomorrow I am going to dig them out.

I WANT I WANT. I NEED I NEED...

Funny how things change, but still stay the same when they are tried and true. I would DIE inside without JM. *sigh*

Teh_funneh

We watched Kitchen Nightmares tonight. We both love Chef Ramsay and just about any show he does. Tonight's episode was for a place in Miami. The name of the restaurant was Fleming. T remembered the place almost immediately. It is literally about 4 minutes away from the house he grew up in as a kid.

So we decided that if we make it through this mess (which is highly unlikely at this point, but whatever) that we would go there. The new menu that Chef Ramsay implemented sounded divine!

I just went and googled them, to take a gander at the menu. I don't think we could afford to eat there!! LMAO! They charge $24 for beef stroganoff! When I mentioned that to T, he says "How long does it take to stroke off the cow???" *eyeroll*

I replied with "They bring the cow into the dining room and make you do it yourself, or else they would charge $48!!"

THEN he says "I wonder if that $24 is for a 6 inch or a 12 inch stroganoff..."

I nearly peed. I laughed SO hard.. I think it took T by surprise..because is eyes popped out of his head cartoon-style. It was hilarious. He gave off his usual spontaneous, gruff laugh that he does when he finds something truly funny...

And that is when I got very sad.

I hear people all around me talking about how people these days don't take marriage seriously, that they give up when the going gets tough, that no one takes that 'in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer' thing seriously.

And here I am, trying with all of my might to do just that, and people condemn me for it.

I KNOW I am fighting a losing battle here. I just do not know how to shut the door and move on, no matter how much people tell me that is what I need to do.

I LOVE THIS MAN. He has issues. He is an addict. He is STILL A PERSON with feelings and thoughts and desires. He is not just an asshole, as most people view him. His addiction over takes him. I am not sure how to handle this.

People say that I am just making excuses for him, that he is just a loser. I do not see it that way, but whatever.

I know that in due time, I will have to say goodbye. Plans are set and already in motion for that to be.

And that KILLS a huge part of me.

I know that I cannot have this around, for M's sake, never mind my own.
I just wish that there was something that could be done. Unfortunately, with his back issues and his pain issues, he NEEDS to have pain relief. Being an addict, he is not able to NOT abuse them. So, I do not know what the answer is there..

Anyway. I love him. I really do. And he has not just come here, and been a schlep. He does a LOT around here. M adores the hell out of him.

I really screwed up by even letting him back into our lives and I feel like a colossal failure for doing so.

oops

Sorry about that. Totally forgot that I had even posted this. LOL.
So, I left off with feeling hatred for the person that I had considered to be one of my very best friends. That was such a crappy time in my life. I really found out who my real friends were. So this 'friend' later told me that she did it because she saw it as an 'in' with some of older girls, so she went for it. Nice thing to do to a friend huh?

It took a few months, but I eventually forgave her. However, you all know that I never forget. LOL.

Years later, when I got married, she became scarce. I hardly ever saw her in those 3 years unless I went to her house. When I decided to move to FL, she took it all personal and got mad at me. Yes, you read that right. She wrote me a long letter and asked me not to read it until I got to FL. When I finally read it, it really made me so mad. She stated that she felt like I only viewed her as a 'high school' friend and not a 'forever friend' and that made her heart sad. Pfft. I wrote her back telling her that after what she did to me in high school, I could not ever trust her again. And while I felt that we would always be friends, it was not the same as it had once been.

I never sent her the letter I wrote. You have to be very careful with what you say to her, and how you say it. I didn't need or want the drama, so I let it go.

From 1999 to 2005, I heard from her twice. Once when her father died, and once when my dad died. After that, I called a few times, attempting to be better about keeping in touch. Those phone calls consisted of her bitching about her life and how awful it was. At that time, my life was at its best. As a result, I never had much to say because she would have taken that as me 'rubbing it in'.

Our last communication consisted of me listening to her, at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning, getting high on cocaine and slugging back some Vodka. Oy. That moment, was defining. I realized that her and I had stopped having things in common YEARS before and that it was probably time to let go.

I did not call her again. That December I found that I was pregnant. I had sent her and her family a Christmas card, and I jotted a note in it about being pregnant. It was sort of a last ditch effort at the friendship I guess.

She never responded.

Awhile after that, a mutual friend had visited with her and when my name was mentioned, she rolled her eyes. THAT pissed me off. If ANYONE should be doing any eye rolling, it is me.

Her daughter is going on 17 years of age. And I just heard that A is 6 months pregnant...

I nearly fell over at that tidbit of info. I am not sure why I care. I see her kids myspace page, and that girl is drama, just like her mama. At least she has had the same boyfriend for awhile now. By that age, I had lost count of how many guys A had been with.

I don't know why I felt the need to purge all of that, just to tell you that A is pregnant. I am weird, what can I say??

Em, you know who I am talkin about right?

Pfffft.

Ok ok ok. Jeebus. All 7 of you have convinced me not to give it up totally. I just want to make one thing clear. ....

I am going through an extremely shitty and confusing and (pardon me) fucked up time in my life. And I feel like if I keep coming here bitching about the same old shit, you are all gonna start rolling your eyes at me and shit. I do not know what to do just yet.

And I am in a wee bit of turmoil over it. See..there are some things that have happened. And I KNOW in my head and in my heart, that in the end, the pea and I will be venturing out on our own. I look forward to this. I will NOT make enough money right out of the gate to live on my own. So I will need a room mate. A very decent and good friend of mine has said that if she is available when I am ready, she will be our roomy.

I cannot tell you what kind of peace of mind this has given me. Even if it does not pan out...the fact that she is willing, is HUGE to me. Thanks Lin.

So, I do not want to keep beating a dead horse over here so I will move along to something else.

This will mean nothing to most of you..but EM, pay attention. ( A clue for you, A lived a few houses away from frak...)

Back when I first moved from Cape Cod to Dartmouth, I made friends with a girl. We shall call her A. I was instantly drawn to her. We had TONS in common. The trouble with being a pre-teen outsider was that A, being a resident of Dartmouth for her entire life, had a subset of lifelong friends already in place. For years I felt like I had to compete with these other two gals, H and D. H and D were always good to me. They were never actually the problem. A was the problem. Hell, maybe it was ME that was the problem in that regard. I dunno.

What I DO know, is that I would have gone to the ends of the earth for A. Our freshman year of high school, a bunch of us had gone to the mall. We were at a local pizza place, all seated and eating our lunch. We had been in school about 3 days.

I noticed that the table behind us contained what I believed to be fellow students and I pointed this out to the other girls, wondering if any of them knew who these girls were. No one really seemed to recognize any of them, so we went on about eating our lunch and talking about the upcoming school year.

This one particular gal at that other table kept giving me the evil eye. It was not just paranoia on my part... every time I looked up, this gal was staring me down. I became a bit unnerved as I was about 5 feet tall at the time and this gal was easily pushing 5' 10" or so. And she looked PISSED off....

Finally, A asked me what was wrong. I said, and these were my EXACT words "That gal over there... with the crazy long hair, she keeps staring me down. What the hell did I do..lookit her, she looks like she wants to eat me..."

Everyone sorta laughed. I did not.

The next Monday at school, I was walking to my locker and some girl comes up to me and says "Nia is going to beat your ass..." And I said "Who is Nia?"

And she says " The girl you were talking shit about at the mall the other day...."
It really took me a minute or two to get who and what she was talking about.

I said "I did not talk any shit about her. I thought that I had seen her before so I asked my friends if she was a classmate of ours or not... Then I noticed that she was staring me down like I was prey?" And the girl says " You ARE prey. A told her everything you said..."

Now.. At this point, I had thought that A was one of my very best friends. I was crushed. I could say NOTHING more in that moment, because I had just been betrayed by someone that I had trusted with ALL OF MY SOUL.

The next few days are a blur. I remember being pushed around and threatened by Nia and her crew. And then one day while out delivering papers on my route, A pulled up in a car with some people, and started shouting at me like she was Nia, yelling at me that she was going to beat my ass.

She laughed at me when I turned around. She really thought that what she was doing was funny.

I remember silently crying the rest of my route, and all the way home.

And that is the first time I can honestly say that I had felt hatred in my heart.

Part two of this story to come tomorrow. I am tired...

Maybe another time?

Meh. Got nothin' to say as of late. I don't think anyone comes here but H, Stace and Em anyway, and I talk to you guys alla time anyway.

Later peeps.

Irritated

A year and a half ago when we realized that we were sinking faster than the Titanic (financially speaking), we called our mortgage company. We had just seen a rep from the company on the nightly news talking about how homeowners need to get in touch with them BEFORE they quit making payments. They had all kinds of things they could do to help people. So we called. We were told that we had to write a 'hardship' letter, and we had to provide all kinds of financial information. We sent along what they requested, and never heard anything from them. So we called again. And we were told that they did not receive anything from us. Fine. We sent it all off again, this time they had to sign for it. We never heard anything from them. When we called this time, they said that there was nothing that they could do for us at that time. They had such a backlog of foreclosures, and they would not be initiating any foreclosures at this time. It was safe for us to stop paying the mortgage, and when they got caught up, they would then try to work something out with us.

Yes, I am serious. This is what they told us. So we quit paying the mortgage. Of course, most of you know what happened then. T relapsed. I moved out. And the house has been sitting vacant, going to hell since August-ish.

They served us with the paperwork the other day. They are finally foreclosing. This whole thing has been very hard, but at this point I am just relieved. I hate to know how it is sitting there going to shit. I would much rather that someone scoop it up and make it their home. *sigh*

So, the reason for my irritability? The mortgage company has sent no less than THREE letters by UPS in the last 4 days telling us how eager they are to help us keep our home.

Fuck off.

Really? Ugh. Where the hell were you a year and a half ago??

We couldn't keep it now anyway, since T is not working and most likely will not be doing so ever again. And the whole drug scene that went on there? I cannot even go there to root through our stuff that was left behind, let alone live in it again. And there is the whole dead drug dealer issue too. I could never live there knowing what went on in there.

we would have lost that house one way or the other. Even if T had not relapsed on the cocaine, he was still abusing his pain meds... and he still would have lost his job. So in the end it would still be this way. So I guess none of it matters. I am still just irritated and pissy about the whole thing though. Meh. I feel a nap coming on...

LOLCAT indeed.

I nearly peed when I saw this. HAHAHA!

Happy Easter!

Blah.

TOM decided to visit me today, a week late, on Easter. Jerk. I hate TOM. So today has been a very blah day.

I really want M to know what this day is really for, but upon trying to talk about it, she gets too confused. I have no idea how to go about talking to her about Jesus, considering that I am not sure what I believe myself. *sigh*

We got up this morning to her delight over her SMALL Easter basket. I am not about to make every stinking holiday about candy, so she got very little. She did get a kite and she is super excited about that. She got some new crayons and coloring books as well, and some flash cards.

The Easter Bunny had eaten his plate of carrots that she left out for him and this just thrilled her to bits! He also hid all of the eggs that we had colored the night before. She LOVED looking for them.


Right now, she is cleaning up with her Daddy. She had this place a mess!

It has been a nice, lazy day. I feel awful for wasting it inside but I was just not up to going out. I feel awful. Guh. And tomorrow will be more of the same.

I have to be up early tomorrow for 2 reasons. One, Space Shuttle Discovery is going up at 6:21 a.m. and I wanna see it. And second, I have to take T to his community service.

I have totally slacked in going to the gym this week and I feel like a loser for doing so. I need to make exercise EVERY DAY a part of my life. Unfortunately, when TOM is here, for about 2 days, that is just not an option. *sigh*

There is no excuse for all of the other days though. I am just a lazy slug and I have NO idea what my effing problem is. I am so disgusted with myself. SO disgusted.
blah.

Road Rage Lite

I do not even know what to say. I am pretty steamed right now. In one 5 minute ride to go pick up my mom, I almost got sideswiped by someone who thought it wise to change lanes on a whim and without looking. I almost got rear-ended at the red light because the guy tailgating me assumed that I was going to run the red light. He cursed at me and flipped me the bird. I then almost hit the guy who shot across FOUR lanes of traffic, into my lane with little to no warning, and then proceeded to go 25 mph under the speed limit. Awesome.

I do not chase people down. I rarely flip the bird. I never yell at anyone. But god dammit if I am not completely steamed right now. I follow the rules of the road. I do the speed limit. I cannot afford any tickets, nor can I afford an accident. I have NO health insurance any more. And I am tired of all of these thoughtless jackholes who put my life safety in jeopardy each time I go out.

A few years ago, I read a comment that someone had made on their blog in regards to people like me getting angry at others while on the road. He said "Maybe that person had a good reason for what they did." Really? I can find no good reason to change lanes without looking first. I can find no good reason for the people who decide at the last minute to make a turn, jack on the brakes, no blinker, and then get mad when someone almost hits them.

No one has any common sense any more and no one has any common courtesy either. Pffft.

I am off to the gym to run off some of the anger.

Grrrr.

This is just GROSS

Many years ago, I stored my friend Frank's dresser and some other things in my garage. When he moved to a bigger place, he came to get his stuff. Upon moving the dresser out of my garage, I had opened the top drawer to get a better grip while moving it out to the truck. I looked down, and there was a breakfast burrito from McDonalds. We had a good laugh over it. It was...petrified. It had completely solidified. It did not degrade at all. It was SO hard, that when we threw it against my concrete driveway, it did not break, not even a little bit.

I never ate one of those things ever again. I HAVE eaten Mickey Ds again though, against my better judgment.

We all know that fast food is bad. We all know that processed food in general is bad.
But this? Oy. Disgusting. No more of that crap is going to ever enter my body, or the body of my kid (as long as I have control over that anyway, in regards to M)... I do not know why I never remembered the burrito, but this certainly reminded me!

yuck.

Reflectiveness.

Ok, so a quick recap..

When I was 4 months pregnant, T lost his mind. I do not know how else to put it. He went bonkers. He started spending recklessly, not eating, not sleeping, and starting on projects big and small, yet never finishing ANY of them. He had a HUGELY inflated sense of self (again, NOT like him) and felt like he was untouchable.
It was so far removed from the T that I knew. An old Doc of ours had warned T, he said he thought T was borderline bipolar.

A short time later, T was actually diagnosed with bipolar, and put on a cocktail of meds. At the end of it all, he had to choke down over 17 pills, twice (and sometimes 3x) a day. I could not keep up with all that he was on. He was on his pain meds, meds for his migraines, antidepressants, anticonvulsants, anxiety meds and meds for the bipolar. It was insane. I have read many times over of people DYING after taking a combo of these very same drugs (like oxycontin, xanax,and percocet)just a few times and here was T taking them 2 and 3 times a day.

When the pain and the anxiety and the racing thoughts did not stop, he started snorting his oxys because it allowed him NOT to think. He always complained that he could never 'shut off his thoughts.'

It was clearly a BAD and devastating choice, but at that time he was not really capable of making good decisions.

He saw a new doc the other day. A behavioral and mood specialist. He is young and smart and on top of things, and he asked T about a million questions. How did T feel during that time. Did he do this? Did he feel that? Did he think this? T answered all of his questions and was very in-depth about it all.

This doc does not believe he is bipolar either. Not in the typical sense. He thinks it was pharmacologically induced hypomania. Meaning, he went bonkers due to all of the medicines he was on.

This is from Wikipedia:
People experiencing hypomania may also manifest a loss of inhibition, resulting in behavior such as reckless driving, gambling, spending sprees and sexual adventures. They may also report having a host of new ideas, but not following them through. People who are described as hypomanic are often very jolly to be with but may quickly become very impatient or unpleasant if they cannot get what they want.
.............

Holy crap. I read that and got the chills. That was T (minus the sexual part). That is a lot of the reason that I ended up in total denial about what was REALLY going on.

He was SO much fun to be around most of the time. We would have so much fun. When the episode would pass, he would start passing out from snorting, and he was horribly irritable and we would barely speak. That would go on for a day or two and then he was back to being fun again. The loss of inhibition brought on the drug use, which he was GREAT at hiding. I did not think in those moments of fun that he had snorted. I know now that he had indeed done just that. But because of being in this hypomanic state, he 'seemed' normal. It was the same thing when he started smoking crack. He was doing it for about a week or two before I caught on. He would go in the bathroom, get high, and come outside and throw darts with me. I had NO CLUE.

Wikipedia also had this:
However, many hypomanic patients also experience:
* obsessive behavior, whether mild or severe (check)
* poor judgment (double-check)
* uncontrolled, or only partially controllable, impulsivity (CHECK!)
* excessive sexual activity or sexual risk taking (NO. thank GOD. But this is where the drugs come in... for some it is sex, others drugs, others gambling...)

Some think I am making excuses for T. I am not. I have been TRYING to understand. I was aware and I totally believed that he was simply NOT able to make the right decisions at one time. Now I can see clearly WHY.

He owns up to what he has done. He wants to right the wrongs, and he is trying. And that is all that I can really ask for.

I will say this. He feels SO much better having a Doc that will TALK with him, and not tell him to just take the meds and hope for the best, which is what his other Doc had done.

blargh.

I have written out a post three different times now and I just end up hitting the delete key. *sigh*

Maybe next time. For now, let us just say that I am really trying to work on some things, personal things, mainly ME and my outlook on my past, present and future. It is not easy, and I need to change some things. I feel the need to PURGE so much. Yet I know that everyone will feel like I am beating a dead horse already. Meh.

More to come. Maybe.

Good day

Yesterday was a good day. M and I baked T a cake. Nothing fancy. I am not Betty Crocker over here. We went to a local eatery, Rumbas, for dinner. The service was a bit lacking, but the food, as always, was fantastic. I had a filet mignon kabob with coconut rice and black beans. I cannot wait to go back. I think I would order the same thing. It was DELISH. T and my mom both got the same thing, jerk chicken wings, ribs and shrimp. Mmm.

We came home and did the cake thing, and then we got the kidlet to bed and settled in to watch Idol.


All in all, it was a good day.

brain dump!

*blows dust off blog*

Hiya.

*waves*

Been busy. Gotta knock out school. And get a J O B.

Today is T's 41st birthday. Not a card or a phone call or anything from a soul.
(Wait, that is not entirely true. Emilee wished him a Happy Birthday..he said thanks Em.)

That makes me sad for him. *sigh* I know he has not done right by a lot of folks lately, but he still FEELS, yah know? Ugh. Anyway, M and I are going to bake him a cake later, and then we are going out to dinner after my mom gets home.

My mom went on an overnight trip with a friend and my Aunt (they hit some of the Casinos) and she poked herself in the eye with her mascara brush. I will have to take a pic of it. It is freaking gnarly. Yikes. She has what appears to be a blood blister.. IN HER EYE. *screams*

She just called from her eye docs..he says it looks a lot worse than it actually is. He is going to have her come back for an ultrasound to make sure there is no damage back there anywhere. She can see out of it just fine, it is just that the white part is dark, dark red, and it is sort of bubbled out. She has a demon eye. It freaks me OUT. LOL.

I am not good with anything to do with eyes. Blech.
*shudder*

I am just glad that she is ok.

I have to give major props to the casino in Immokalee though. She went down on a bus. Someone at the casino took a look at her eye and suggested she go to the hospital. She had to go by ambulance. It was a 45 minute ride. She had no way to get back other than by a cab. Someone from the casino came and got her, kept in touch with the bus driver and all to make sure that they did not leave without her. She couldn't hold up the bus though yah know? They did a great job with communication though, and the bus only had to wait five minutes for her. She got to go on to Coconut Creek, back to Immokalee and then home, with everyone else. She had a good time despite the drama.

I did not know any of this until she got home. I almost made her left eye match her right eye!!

LOL... (not really...jeesh)

I was SO mad that she did not tell me any of this!! Argh. Anyway, she is fine. And M is in here watching Peep and Paz. I cannot stand Paz so I am outta here....

Progress

Today was T's appointment at the VA with his new primary care doctor. We had no idea what to expect. He is out of his anxiety meds, and has really been struggling. And I have noticed that he has been quite red faced lately.

We got an explanation for that. His blood pressure was 170/110. That could also be a reason for the headaches, because some of them have been awful, but NOT migraines.

Guh. So, needless to say, he is now on a blood pressure medicine. He is also up to 217 pounds. It is time to knock it off with the Doritos and the ice cream, me thinks. LOL. He went from 165 to 217 in what...3.5 months. Nuts. He's a porker. Heh.

He also is not getting good sleep at all. That is where his Valium came in handy. He never abused that. But because of his addiction issues, he has to go back next week to see a shrinky-dink, and one that specializes in addictions. He got meds for the migraines, and for pain, and a muscle relaxer. He also has to get a full MRI before they will go any further in evaluation of his pain management. Which is good. He does not want to be back on narcotics. I am not sure what all else there is for him, but I guess we will soon find out.

And that is that. Hoping he doesn't drop on me of a bloody heart attack or stroke. That has me seriously worried. *sigh*

ugh

I really, really, REALLY do not like Journey. That is all..carry on....

drama queeen

My kid knows how to bring the drama. She loves taking a bath. However, she will not tolerate having her hair washed. It is SUCH a struggle. I literally have to just dump water over her head to get the soap out, with her thrashing about and screaming. I have tried EVERYTHING to get her to relax. She does not like getting water in her eyes. Fine. I remember hating that as a child too. So trying to get her to lay back with a washcloth over her eyes would be a good idea, right? I first attempted this BEFORE bath time, so she knew what was coming. It was a no go. And then I tried it in the tub anyway.

Sometimes, momma is pretty thick. If it did not work outside of the tub, it ain't workin' inside of the tub, genius.

*sigh*
I just asked her if she wanted to take a bath, and she said yes. I usually wait until it is closer to bed time, but I have a sinus infection and that always seems to get worse in the evenings. I ran the water, got her in, did the usual dumping of water over her head as fast as I can, soaped up her head, and resumed with the dumping of more water (no worries, tear-free shampoo). I do this as fast as humanly possible. The moment it is over, she is fine.

Except today. I finished up, wiped her face and told her she could play for a bit. She stood up, sighed heavily, threw her hands up the air and said "It's no use! I just want to get out now!!"

I could not contain the laughter. She is just too much. I wish I could convey the tone with which she said this, because you would pee yourself. Really.

:)

Eating out.

What do you do when eating out? Do you get whatever you feel like having, or do you try to make good decisions about what to get?

My attitude on eating out has needed an adjustment for quite some time. I do not eat out often at all anymore. When I do, my attitude has always been to get what I want, no matter how unhealthy it may be, as everything in moderation is okay, right?

Well, it took me awhile, but I DO realize how sad that outlook is. It is stupid of me to justify eating something that is an entire days worth of calories just because I do not eat out often. The more I see things like this, the more disgusted I am that these companies put out this garbage. Ugh. And what is worse is that we buy it!!

I struggle with buying the right foods. I try to keep it as fresh as possible. I really do. I am not always successful with that though. I love to cook, and would rather make something myself, than to eat it out of a package of some sort.

Take this evening, for instance. We are having Hormel Beef Tips in gravy. All I have to do is heat it up, boil some whole wheat pasta, steam some broccoli and we have dinner. My mom bought it for T and I since she is going to be out this evening. And to be honest, I am thankful because I am sick as hell right now.

I feel as though someones taken a cleaver to my throat, and my sinuses are all gunked up and it makes my whole face throb. I have been asleep off and on for most of the day. I feel like poop.

Anyway, I digress. The beef tips are loaded with preservatives, partially hydrogenated oils and the ever present caramel coloring, which seems to be in just about EVERYTHING. We do not eat this sort of thing very often anymore at all. I cook everything now on most nights. And by cook, I do not mean 'throw in microwave.'

So, in reality, I should not feel bad about having this for dinner tonight. Or should I? What is your take on it?

Cold, white silence

That is what I miss most about the snow. I can remember being outside countless times in my younger years, just sitting there alone, listening to the silence. Sometimes, you could hear the snow falling. It was awesome. And I miss that.

I do not miss driving in it, or shoveling it, or freezing my ass off. But I do miss the beauty of a good snowfall. I used to hate when my toes would end up numb, despite the 94739 pairs of socks I had on. I remember being on an endless quest to find really good insulated boots. That never mattered. My toes always ended up numb. I finally confiscated my dad's battery operated socks. Those things ROCKED.

We really spent a lot of time outside in the winter. I can remember having to give in on numerous occasions though. We would go to Tina's house and I would sit right on their space heater. It was awesome. LOL. Instant thaw.

It took a little longer to warm up at my house, unless I dove into my 95 degree water bed. Which, by the way, is usually what I did!

So I see all of the snow that my loved ones are dealing with, and I am a wee bit jealous. *sigh*

Under $200

I need to come up with about $200. Ok, I don't NEED to. It is not a necessity. But it is for something that weighs very heavy on my heart.

T had pawned his brothers bass guitar and amp, the one thing that he truly treasured of Marks. Unreal. Anyway, he and I have had words over it several times. He feels horrid about it now, of course. As he should.

Anyway, upon last check, it was still at the pawn shop. And I want it back. *sigh*
I had a dream about Mark the other night. It was so real and so vivid. I could clearly see him. He hugged me and I could feel him. I could smell him. He always smelled so good. I won't get into the dream as it disturbed me quite a bit, but he was there in the end, telling me that it would all work itself out. He was always Mister Positive...

A lousy $200. Ugh.

Potty training

I had started potty training M back in October of 2008. Yeah, you read that right. Oh-EIGHT. Ugh.

I took it very slow, taking her into the bathroom with me when I had to go, sitting her on her potty while she was still in her diaper, etc. She took interest and would spend a lot of time sitting on it, but only actually went one time. In November, things with T and I had become so strained that I really just sort of gave up on it, as I did with most everything else. I spent my time playing and reading with her instead.

I was very depressed. I could not sleep most nights, and during the day it was all I could do just to remain awake. I spent a lot of time wandering around my house, crying, knowing that I was going to lose it. Ugh.

In April I had to come here to my moms. I tried to resume the potty thing once her and I got into a routine over here. She was NOT having it. And I did not push. Everything she knew was gone, and even though we had established a routine, I just did not want to push too hard.

Everything I had ever read about training said not to push them, that when they were ready, they would go. Riiiight.

We are several days into this now, and she is doing really well. I had visions of cleaning poop off of the carpet and stuff. So far, so good. She has peed on the carpet only twice, and both of those times I SWEAR she did it out of spite. LOL.

She wore her underwear for the first 3 days with no problems. I keep her in a pull-up at night just in case. She has stayed dry most nights. The last 2 days though, she has refused to wear her underwear. She wants a pull-up. Well, I only have two left and I am broke. SO... when I grabbed her undies this morning, she FREAKED the fuck OUT. I am talking about a screaming, writhing, throwing-up, demonic-like tantrum like I have never seen from her.

She was PISSED.

I let her scream, writhe, gag and flop of the floor for a few minutes. I told her the choice was hers, she could sit there and wig out, or she could put her undies on, have a juice, and watch the Backyardigans. And I walked away.

The tantrum continued. She screamed from the depths of her very being, and at that point I was concerned that she was going to shred her throat. So I went out, picked her up off of the floor and just held her and talked to her and she eventually calmed right down. She asked to put her undies on, and its been smooth sailing since then.

It is only 9:38 a.m. and mama is wondering if it is too early to make a drink.

(I am kidding. Kinda...)

Anyway, all it took was a push. I put my foot down and said NO MORE, and here we are. I wish I had done this sooner. *sigh*

Courteous

We have extremely courteous garbage men. At my old house, they would tear up the street at 5 a.m., dumping trash and heaving the barrels back in the direction from whence they came. I would usually have to go over to my neighbors to get my lids. The cans were often left in the middle of the street too.

I have noticed since being here at my moms that the men return the barrels to the sidewalk, and even replace the lids!

See? It is the little things that make me happy, people. LOL

Wow

I was just looking back at old posts on here.
http://jen-hen.blogspot.com/2008/12/empty-heart.html

I was in a bad place then, hoping 2009 would be a better year.
I had NO idea what was just around the corner. *sigh*

I lost it all. My house, my vehicle, my routine, my comfort, and almost my husband.
I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by sticking it out with him. I question how I can still love him after all that he has done. But the bottom line is that I DO love him. I just hope that I do not feel like I did in that post, or in the months that followed EVER again.

Because it was my own little slice of Hell. It really, truly was.

I know it could always be worse. I think of M a lot in this regard. She is healthy. She is wonderful. I see moms and dads with sick or dying little kids and I THANK GOD that THAT is not my life.

And while I am thankful for being able to walk and talk and see and hear each day, and I am thankful that I have my child, and my mom, both healthy... it does not take away the sting of what DID happen.

I am not sure that T will be able to keep it together. Time will tell, I guess.
I know that I want, more than ANYTHING, for it all to work out.

PT: Day 2

As Shelley would say ... "Awesomesauce!"

M continued to use the potty last night. She had quite a few accidents, but I am not sure if it was because she was not used to holding it in, or if it was because she just wanted to wear each and every pair of undies that she has! LOL

She went to bed with just a pull up on. She stayed dry all night! This morning when she got up, the first thing she did was use the potty. She even takes it to the bathroom and flushes it. So today we are going to work on going on the actual toilet, at least for when she has to poop, that way mommy does not gag and stuff today.

*wink*

She has a pull up on today just to keep her from peeing all over the carpet, but so far, she has stayed totally dry.

See? Awesomesauce!

Poop

Yep. A post about poop.

Today while at the playground, M was playing with a 2.5 year old boy who was fully potty trained. This made me feel like a colossal failure. So we came home and with no diapers left, I told her that this was simply IT.

She can scream and cry all she wants. No more diapers. I have some pull-ups for at night, but that is IT.

T brought out her potty. She promptly carried it back to the bathroom. There was much drama. I took off her last diaper and put her new Dora skivvies on. She got to prance around in front of the mirror to see them. She went for two hours, and then assumed her position between couch and coffee table (this would be prime pooping position) and I gently reminded her that she needed to use the potty.

And she did.

She walked over, pulled down her skivvies, sat down, and pooped.

Mommy gagged.

How can poop in the potty somehow be worse than poop in a diaper?? What kind of mindfuck is that? I mean, poop is poop. I think maybe seeing it in a potty container flipped a switch in my brain. Not to mention, how does a 3 year old poop larger poops than I do?? It clogged the terlet.

Yes yes. I know you could have done without that tidbit of info.

Anyway. She did it. We made a big, huge, colossal deal out of it.
Then, she followed me into the office, and promptly peed on the floor.

\m/

Steps up onto soapbox.....

I have been seeing a lot of things lately that are really getting me fired up. The first one being on Facebook, consists of a group of people trying to get a group kicked off of Facebook. I do not remember the exact name of the group, but it is something about not supporting the troops.

Now, before you go getting your skivvies in a wad, let me 'splain myself here...

I do not agree with that group any more than the next guy. I certainly would not have much to say to anyone who has joined up. I know a LOT of folks who do not support the war(s), but still support the men and women who choose to stand up for this nation.

I support our military. Fully.

I also support free speech. It is one of our most precious freedoms. I just do not believe in taking that right away from anyone...even IF the people involved are against those that fought for us to have that right, and continue to FIGHT for that right, amongst the many things that they fight for. *breathes*

Censorship is not a good thing, in my opinion.

It is ok to abhor the group and what it stands for. Don't join. Start your own group in support of the troops, or for/against something that really means something to you. But to sit and whine about how wrong it is for these people to have their group, and their say, well, it is not going to do any good.

I find that to be such a common theme these days, especially in regards to politics.
If someone does not agree with another person's view, then that person is wrong, or an idiot, or ignorant.

Why? Because they do not see things the same way that you do?? Pffft.
Do not get me wrong. There truly are some ignorant, and flat out moronic people out there.

I have come across some real ignorance in dealing with T and all that has happened as of late. Sometimes the things that people say leave me on the floor.

Anyway, stepping down off of the soapbox for now. I am tired. Night night.

Forgotten places

Wow. Until some asshat spammer tried to comment on a post, I had totally forgot about this space. Seeing as I had to (yes, HAD to) do some paid blogging over at my other place, I think I will start posting here again as well. The paid stuff definitely changes the way that I write, and I hate that. But that little extra money really helps. So, I do what I gotta do.