empty heart.

I have been a die hard John Mellencamp fan for many years. His music has always spoken to me. I find bits and pieces of myself in his words.

For the first time in a loong time, I listened to him today. I turned on the stereo in the living room, and the Lonesome Jubilee CD was in there. This has long been one of my favorites. Every song on this speaks to me. It is an amazing piece of work.

What REALLY amazes me is how 10 years ago, this album spoke to me. And here I am all these years later, in a different place, and shaking my head saying "Ain't THAT the truth." I can STILL find myself in these songs.

Today, I had to stop what I was doing, and allow myself to have a good cry.
It was because of a song called Empty Hands. Now, do not get me wrong. We are having money issues. But I know that we are STILL far more fortunate that a LOT of people. It was not the 'being broke' aspect of this song that got to me though. It was about looking back, and thinking of all of those dreams and expectations I had when T and I first got together. It was about seeing all of that go down the drain. It was about the absolute despair that I feel. It was about feeling like I am failing my child for staying in a crappy situation.

The lyric that did me in?

'Maryanne, she´s fixin´ up some breakfast
Got the lights on, on the christmas tree
Sittin´ there, lookin´ up at an angel
With something dyin´ inside of me

Grew up with great expectations
Heard the promise and I knew the plan
They say people get what they deserve
But lord, sometimes it´s much worse than '

I was making breakfast and cleaning the kitchen. The lights on the tree are on.
And something inside of me is indeed dying.
And yes, sometimes? It IS much worse than that.
*sigh*

Towards the end of the song, another partial verse did me in, the flood gates opened, I had to stop the heat under my eggs and run for the kleenex. Man, I had a GOOD hard cry. Not that it did any good, really. It DID help me feel a wee bit less like I have an anvil sitting on my heart though, so I guess that is something.

'Without hope, without love
You´ve got nothing but pain
Just makes a man not give a damn
That´s no way for us to live'

Yeah. Got lots of crappy things going on. So did not need this, ever. But it is out of my hands. For the first time in my life, I have turned it over to God. I have done all that I can do.

Merry Christmas. Not sure how much I will be around, as I have to get school done, so I can get a job, so I can get me and Maya a place to live.

Yeah. You read that right.

2009 HAS to be a better year, because I cannot do this any.more.