Sunday, May 23, 2010


This is why I hardly blog these days. The only time I feel compelled to come here is when I am angry. Who wants to read that shit? Ugh. Well, here I am. And if I don't whine a bit, I am gonna go postal.

I will be the first to admit that I need some help. I need someone (professional) to talk to. And I cannot do that without insurance. GREAT. I am a mess. I mean, I get up in the mornings, take care of my kid, the house, etc. I try to eat good and exercise.

But I really think I am losing my mind.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, right? Well, here I am doing the same thing over and over, only I KNOW that the result is going to be the same. THAT, my friends, is STUPIDITY. And I am not sure WHY I do this. I guess because I am stupid.

I KNOW he should be out on his ass. And I cannot make him go because I would NOT want someone doing that to me. He has done everything right since getting here, with the exception of snorting his meds once again. I am livid.

However, if I toss him out on the street with nowhere to go, all the work Mom and I have put into this whole mess was for NOTHING. I am just not about to make someone homeless, whether or not HE brought this upon himself.

Let me make one thing clear here. There are NO illegal drugs in this house. That is not what is going on. He takes more of his prescribed stuff than he should, and he snorts it instead of just swallowing it.

Drugs are drugs. I know this. And according to NA, one is no better than the other. I disagree, at least right now. He is not out smoking crack and hanging with drug dealers, so..whatever.

Yeah. I am an enabler, I guess. Even though I do not agree with that either, because he would snort his meds whether he was here or under a bridge. At least here, he is safe.

The major problem with kicking him out is his probation. This is the address on file with the sheriff, so if he were to no longer have an address, a warrant goes out for his arrest.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Yet, knowing what I now know about addiction, I cannot kick him out and make him homeless now, anymore than I could if he had cancer.

Yes, I believe it is a disease. And yes, when we fight he turns into a major asshole. But you know what? SO DO I. I say mean and hurtful things, things that I know are gonna sting. I hate that about me.

So, the plan is this... hes here until his probation is done. His lawyer is going to try to get him early termination since he has done everything that he was supposed to do. Once he no longer has that hefty fine to pay each month, his unemployment should be enough to get him a room somewhere, or a small efficiency/1 bedroom apartment.

At that point, I cannot do what I did last time. I have to immediately file for divorce, get sole custody of M, and move the fuck on. And you know what??

Once he is in his own place? I can feel good about what I did. I can say, without a doubt, that I did all that I could. What he does from that point on is just not my problem. I WILL change my number, put in for child support... and try to find myself again...

because right now, I am very, very lost. And I want me back. I really do.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Trenton, NJ

D, is that you?

I was just sitting here, wallowing in self-pity, feeling like I am just spinning in cirlces..

I want some old time JM to listen to man.

Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I am a die hard John Mellencamp fan. Hell... I BLEED Mellencamp. And the one thing that I love most about his music is is timeless to me. To this day, I can listen to something he did 15 years ago, and it is as relevant to me now as it was back then.

And as I sit here RIGHT now reflecting on my current situation, I yearn for some old time John Cougar. My CDs are tucked away in my storage unit. I know exactly where they are and tomorrow I am going to dig them out.


Funny how things change, but still stay the same when they are tried and true. I would DIE inside without JM. *sigh*

Friday, May 7, 2010


We watched Kitchen Nightmares tonight. We both love Chef Ramsay and just about any show he does. Tonight's episode was for a place in Miami. The name of the restaurant was Fleming. T remembered the place almost immediately. It is literally about 4 minutes away from the house he grew up in as a kid.

So we decided that if we make it through this mess (which is highly unlikely at this point, but whatever) that we would go there. The new menu that Chef Ramsay implemented sounded divine!

I just went and googled them, to take a gander at the menu. I don't think we could afford to eat there!! LMAO! They charge $24 for beef stroganoff! When I mentioned that to T, he says "How long does it take to stroke off the cow???" *eyeroll*

I replied with "They bring the cow into the dining room and make you do it yourself, or else they would charge $48!!"

THEN he says "I wonder if that $24 is for a 6 inch or a 12 inch stroganoff..."

I nearly peed. I laughed SO hard.. I think it took T by surprise..because is eyes popped out of his head cartoon-style. It was hilarious. He gave off his usual spontaneous, gruff laugh that he does when he finds something truly funny...

And that is when I got very sad.

I hear people all around me talking about how people these days don't take marriage seriously, that they give up when the going gets tough, that no one takes that 'in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer' thing seriously.

And here I am, trying with all of my might to do just that, and people condemn me for it.

I KNOW I am fighting a losing battle here. I just do not know how to shut the door and move on, no matter how much people tell me that is what I need to do.

I LOVE THIS MAN. He has issues. He is an addict. He is STILL A PERSON with feelings and thoughts and desires. He is not just an asshole, as most people view him. His addiction over takes him. I am not sure how to handle this.

People say that I am just making excuses for him, that he is just a loser. I do not see it that way, but whatever.

I know that in due time, I will have to say goodbye. Plans are set and already in motion for that to be.

And that KILLS a huge part of me.

I know that I cannot have this around, for M's sake, never mind my own.
I just wish that there was something that could be done. Unfortunately, with his back issues and his pain issues, he NEEDS to have pain relief. Being an addict, he is not able to NOT abuse them. So, I do not know what the answer is there..

Anyway. I love him. I really do. And he has not just come here, and been a schlep. He does a LOT around here. M adores the hell out of him.

I really screwed up by even letting him back into our lives and I feel like a colossal failure for doing so.