I do not even know what to say. I am pretty steamed right now. In one 5 minute ride to go pick up my mom, I almost got sideswiped by someone who thought it wise to change lanes on a whim and without looking. I almost got rear-ended at the red light because the guy tailgating me assumed that I was going to run the red light. He cursed at me and flipped me the bird. I then almost hit the guy who shot across FOUR lanes of traffic, into my lane with little to no warning, and then proceeded to go 25 mph under the speed limit. Awesome.
I do not chase people down. I rarely flip the bird. I never yell at anyone. But god dammit if I am not completely steamed right now. I follow the rules of the road. I do the speed limit. I cannot afford any tickets, nor can I afford an accident. I have NO health insurance any more. And I am tired of all of these thoughtless jackholes who put my life safety in jeopardy each time I go out.
A few years ago, I read a comment that someone had made on their blog in regards to people like me getting angry at others while on the road. He said "Maybe that person had a good reason for what they did." Really? I can find no good reason to change lanes without looking first. I can find no good reason for the people who decide at the last minute to make a turn, jack on the brakes, no blinker, and then get mad when someone almost hits them.
No one has any common sense any more and no one has any common courtesy either. Pffft.
I am off to the gym to run off some of the anger.
Grrrr.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
This is just GROSS
Many years ago, I stored my friend Frank's dresser and some other things in my garage. When he moved to a bigger place, he came to get his stuff. Upon moving the dresser out of my garage, I had opened the top drawer to get a better grip while moving it out to the truck. I looked down, and there was a breakfast burrito from McDonalds. We had a good laugh over it. It was...petrified. It had completely solidified. It did not degrade at all. It was SO hard, that when we threw it against my concrete driveway, it did not break, not even a little bit.
I never ate one of those things ever again. I HAVE eaten Mickey Ds again though, against my better judgment.
We all know that fast food is bad. We all know that processed food in general is bad.
But this? Oy. Disgusting. No more of that crap is going to ever enter my body, or the body of my kid (as long as I have control over that anyway, in regards to M)... I do not know why I never remembered the burrito, but this certainly reminded me!
yuck.
I never ate one of those things ever again. I HAVE eaten Mickey Ds again though, against my better judgment.
We all know that fast food is bad. We all know that processed food in general is bad.
But this? Oy. Disgusting. No more of that crap is going to ever enter my body, or the body of my kid (as long as I have control over that anyway, in regards to M)... I do not know why I never remembered the burrito, but this certainly reminded me!
yuck.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Reflectiveness.
Ok, so a quick recap..
When I was 4 months pregnant, T lost his mind. I do not know how else to put it. He went bonkers. He started spending recklessly, not eating, not sleeping, and starting on projects big and small, yet never finishing ANY of them. He had a HUGELY inflated sense of self (again, NOT like him) and felt like he was untouchable.
It was so far removed from the T that I knew. An old Doc of ours had warned T, he said he thought T was borderline bipolar.
A short time later, T was actually diagnosed with bipolar, and put on a cocktail of meds. At the end of it all, he had to choke down over 17 pills, twice (and sometimes 3x) a day. I could not keep up with all that he was on. He was on his pain meds, meds for his migraines, antidepressants, anticonvulsants, anxiety meds and meds for the bipolar. It was insane. I have read many times over of people DYING after taking a combo of these very same drugs (like oxycontin, xanax,and percocet)just a few times and here was T taking them 2 and 3 times a day.
When the pain and the anxiety and the racing thoughts did not stop, he started snorting his oxys because it allowed him NOT to think. He always complained that he could never 'shut off his thoughts.'
It was clearly a BAD and devastating choice, but at that time he was not really capable of making good decisions.
He saw a new doc the other day. A behavioral and mood specialist. He is young and smart and on top of things, and he asked T about a million questions. How did T feel during that time. Did he do this? Did he feel that? Did he think this? T answered all of his questions and was very in-depth about it all.
This doc does not believe he is bipolar either. Not in the typical sense. He thinks it was pharmacologically induced hypomania. Meaning, he went bonkers due to all of the medicines he was on.
This is from Wikipedia:
People experiencing hypomania may also manifest a loss of inhibition, resulting in behavior such as reckless driving, gambling, spending sprees and sexual adventures. They may also report having a host of new ideas, but not following them through. People who are described as hypomanic are often very jolly to be with but may quickly become very impatient or unpleasant if they cannot get what they want.
.............
Holy crap. I read that and got the chills. That was T (minus the sexual part). That is a lot of the reason that I ended up in total denial about what was REALLY going on.
He was SO much fun to be around most of the time. We would have so much fun. When the episode would pass, he would start passing out from snorting, and he was horribly irritable and we would barely speak. That would go on for a day or two and then he was back to being fun again. The loss of inhibition brought on the drug use, which he was GREAT at hiding. I did not think in those moments of fun that he had snorted. I know now that he had indeed done just that. But because of being in this hypomanic state, he 'seemed' normal. It was the same thing when he started smoking crack. He was doing it for about a week or two before I caught on. He would go in the bathroom, get high, and come outside and throw darts with me. I had NO CLUE.
Wikipedia also had this:
However, many hypomanic patients also experience:
* obsessive behavior, whether mild or severe (check)
* poor judgment (double-check)
* uncontrolled, or only partially controllable, impulsivity (CHECK!)
* excessive sexual activity or sexual risk taking (NO. thank GOD. But this is where the drugs come in... for some it is sex, others drugs, others gambling...)
Some think I am making excuses for T. I am not. I have been TRYING to understand. I was aware and I totally believed that he was simply NOT able to make the right decisions at one time. Now I can see clearly WHY.
He owns up to what he has done. He wants to right the wrongs, and he is trying. And that is all that I can really ask for.
I will say this. He feels SO much better having a Doc that will TALK with him, and not tell him to just take the meds and hope for the best, which is what his other Doc had done.
When I was 4 months pregnant, T lost his mind. I do not know how else to put it. He went bonkers. He started spending recklessly, not eating, not sleeping, and starting on projects big and small, yet never finishing ANY of them. He had a HUGELY inflated sense of self (again, NOT like him) and felt like he was untouchable.
It was so far removed from the T that I knew. An old Doc of ours had warned T, he said he thought T was borderline bipolar.
A short time later, T was actually diagnosed with bipolar, and put on a cocktail of meds. At the end of it all, he had to choke down over 17 pills, twice (and sometimes 3x) a day. I could not keep up with all that he was on. He was on his pain meds, meds for his migraines, antidepressants, anticonvulsants, anxiety meds and meds for the bipolar. It was insane. I have read many times over of people DYING after taking a combo of these very same drugs (like oxycontin, xanax,and percocet)just a few times and here was T taking them 2 and 3 times a day.
When the pain and the anxiety and the racing thoughts did not stop, he started snorting his oxys because it allowed him NOT to think. He always complained that he could never 'shut off his thoughts.'
It was clearly a BAD and devastating choice, but at that time he was not really capable of making good decisions.
He saw a new doc the other day. A behavioral and mood specialist. He is young and smart and on top of things, and he asked T about a million questions. How did T feel during that time. Did he do this? Did he feel that? Did he think this? T answered all of his questions and was very in-depth about it all.
This doc does not believe he is bipolar either. Not in the typical sense. He thinks it was pharmacologically induced hypomania. Meaning, he went bonkers due to all of the medicines he was on.
This is from Wikipedia:
People experiencing hypomania may also manifest a loss of inhibition, resulting in behavior such as reckless driving, gambling, spending sprees and sexual adventures. They may also report having a host of new ideas, but not following them through. People who are described as hypomanic are often very jolly to be with but may quickly become very impatient or unpleasant if they cannot get what they want.
.............
Holy crap. I read that and got the chills. That was T (minus the sexual part). That is a lot of the reason that I ended up in total denial about what was REALLY going on.
He was SO much fun to be around most of the time. We would have so much fun. When the episode would pass, he would start passing out from snorting, and he was horribly irritable and we would barely speak. That would go on for a day or two and then he was back to being fun again. The loss of inhibition brought on the drug use, which he was GREAT at hiding. I did not think in those moments of fun that he had snorted. I know now that he had indeed done just that. But because of being in this hypomanic state, he 'seemed' normal. It was the same thing when he started smoking crack. He was doing it for about a week or two before I caught on. He would go in the bathroom, get high, and come outside and throw darts with me. I had NO CLUE.
Wikipedia also had this:
However, many hypomanic patients also experience:
* obsessive behavior, whether mild or severe (check)
* poor judgment (double-check)
* uncontrolled, or only partially controllable, impulsivity (CHECK!)
* excessive sexual activity or sexual risk taking (NO. thank GOD. But this is where the drugs come in... for some it is sex, others drugs, others gambling...)
Some think I am making excuses for T. I am not. I have been TRYING to understand. I was aware and I totally believed that he was simply NOT able to make the right decisions at one time. Now I can see clearly WHY.
He owns up to what he has done. He wants to right the wrongs, and he is trying. And that is all that I can really ask for.
I will say this. He feels SO much better having a Doc that will TALK with him, and not tell him to just take the meds and hope for the best, which is what his other Doc had done.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
blargh.
I have written out a post three different times now and I just end up hitting the delete key. *sigh*
Maybe next time. For now, let us just say that I am really trying to work on some things, personal things, mainly ME and my outlook on my past, present and future. It is not easy, and I need to change some things. I feel the need to PURGE so much. Yet I know that everyone will feel like I am beating a dead horse already. Meh.
More to come. Maybe.
Maybe next time. For now, let us just say that I am really trying to work on some things, personal things, mainly ME and my outlook on my past, present and future. It is not easy, and I need to change some things. I feel the need to PURGE so much. Yet I know that everyone will feel like I am beating a dead horse already. Meh.
More to come. Maybe.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Good day
Yesterday was a good day. M and I baked T a cake. Nothing fancy. I am not Betty Crocker over here. We went to a local eatery, Rumbas, for dinner. The service was a bit lacking, but the food, as always, was fantastic. I had a filet mignon kabob with coconut rice and black beans. I cannot wait to go back. I think I would order the same thing. It was DELISH. T and my mom both got the same thing, jerk chicken wings, ribs and shrimp. Mmm.
We came home and did the cake thing, and then we got the kidlet to bed and settled in to watch Idol.
All in all, it was a good day.
We came home and did the cake thing, and then we got the kidlet to bed and settled in to watch Idol.
All in all, it was a good day.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
brain dump!
*blows dust off blog*
Hiya.
*waves*
Been busy. Gotta knock out school. And get a J O B.
Today is T's 41st birthday. Not a card or a phone call or anything from a soul.
(Wait, that is not entirely true. Emilee wished him a Happy Birthday..he said thanks Em.)
That makes me sad for him. *sigh* I know he has not done right by a lot of folks lately, but he still FEELS, yah know? Ugh. Anyway, M and I are going to bake him a cake later, and then we are going out to dinner after my mom gets home.
My mom went on an overnight trip with a friend and my Aunt (they hit some of the Casinos) and she poked herself in the eye with her mascara brush. I will have to take a pic of it. It is freaking gnarly. Yikes. She has what appears to be a blood blister.. IN HER EYE. *screams*
She just called from her eye docs..he says it looks a lot worse than it actually is. He is going to have her come back for an ultrasound to make sure there is no damage back there anywhere. She can see out of it just fine, it is just that the white part is dark, dark red, and it is sort of bubbled out. She has a demon eye. It freaks me OUT. LOL.
I am not good with anything to do with eyes. Blech.
*shudder*
I am just glad that she is ok.
I have to give major props to the casino in Immokalee though. She went down on a bus. Someone at the casino took a look at her eye and suggested she go to the hospital. She had to go by ambulance. It was a 45 minute ride. She had no way to get back other than by a cab. Someone from the casino came and got her, kept in touch with the bus driver and all to make sure that they did not leave without her. She couldn't hold up the bus though yah know? They did a great job with communication though, and the bus only had to wait five minutes for her. She got to go on to Coconut Creek, back to Immokalee and then home, with everyone else. She had a good time despite the drama.
I did not know any of this until she got home. I almost made her left eye match her right eye!!
LOL... (not really...jeesh)
I was SO mad that she did not tell me any of this!! Argh. Anyway, she is fine. And M is in here watching Peep and Paz. I cannot stand Paz so I am outta here....
Hiya.
*waves*
Been busy. Gotta knock out school. And get a J O B.
Today is T's 41st birthday. Not a card or a phone call or anything from a soul.
(Wait, that is not entirely true. Emilee wished him a Happy Birthday..he said thanks Em.)
That makes me sad for him. *sigh* I know he has not done right by a lot of folks lately, but he still FEELS, yah know? Ugh. Anyway, M and I are going to bake him a cake later, and then we are going out to dinner after my mom gets home.
My mom went on an overnight trip with a friend and my Aunt (they hit some of the Casinos) and she poked herself in the eye with her mascara brush. I will have to take a pic of it. It is freaking gnarly. Yikes. She has what appears to be a blood blister.. IN HER EYE. *screams*
She just called from her eye docs..he says it looks a lot worse than it actually is. He is going to have her come back for an ultrasound to make sure there is no damage back there anywhere. She can see out of it just fine, it is just that the white part is dark, dark red, and it is sort of bubbled out. She has a demon eye. It freaks me OUT. LOL.
I am not good with anything to do with eyes. Blech.
*shudder*
I am just glad that she is ok.
I have to give major props to the casino in Immokalee though. She went down on a bus. Someone at the casino took a look at her eye and suggested she go to the hospital. She had to go by ambulance. It was a 45 minute ride. She had no way to get back other than by a cab. Someone from the casino came and got her, kept in touch with the bus driver and all to make sure that they did not leave without her. She couldn't hold up the bus though yah know? They did a great job with communication though, and the bus only had to wait five minutes for her. She got to go on to Coconut Creek, back to Immokalee and then home, with everyone else. She had a good time despite the drama.
I did not know any of this until she got home. I almost made her left eye match her right eye!!
LOL... (not really...jeesh)
I was SO mad that she did not tell me any of this!! Argh. Anyway, she is fine. And M is in here watching Peep and Paz. I cannot stand Paz so I am outta here....
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