oops

Sorry about that. Totally forgot that I had even posted this. LOL.
So, I left off with feeling hatred for the person that I had considered to be one of my very best friends. That was such a crappy time in my life. I really found out who my real friends were. So this 'friend' later told me that she did it because she saw it as an 'in' with some of older girls, so she went for it. Nice thing to do to a friend huh?

It took a few months, but I eventually forgave her. However, you all know that I never forget. LOL.

Years later, when I got married, she became scarce. I hardly ever saw her in those 3 years unless I went to her house. When I decided to move to FL, she took it all personal and got mad at me. Yes, you read that right. She wrote me a long letter and asked me not to read it until I got to FL. When I finally read it, it really made me so mad. She stated that she felt like I only viewed her as a 'high school' friend and not a 'forever friend' and that made her heart sad. Pfft. I wrote her back telling her that after what she did to me in high school, I could not ever trust her again. And while I felt that we would always be friends, it was not the same as it had once been.

I never sent her the letter I wrote. You have to be very careful with what you say to her, and how you say it. I didn't need or want the drama, so I let it go.

From 1999 to 2005, I heard from her twice. Once when her father died, and once when my dad died. After that, I called a few times, attempting to be better about keeping in touch. Those phone calls consisted of her bitching about her life and how awful it was. At that time, my life was at its best. As a result, I never had much to say because she would have taken that as me 'rubbing it in'.

Our last communication consisted of me listening to her, at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning, getting high on cocaine and slugging back some Vodka. Oy. That moment, was defining. I realized that her and I had stopped having things in common YEARS before and that it was probably time to let go.

I did not call her again. That December I found that I was pregnant. I had sent her and her family a Christmas card, and I jotted a note in it about being pregnant. It was sort of a last ditch effort at the friendship I guess.

She never responded.

Awhile after that, a mutual friend had visited with her and when my name was mentioned, she rolled her eyes. THAT pissed me off. If ANYONE should be doing any eye rolling, it is me.

Her daughter is going on 17 years of age. And I just heard that A is 6 months pregnant...

I nearly fell over at that tidbit of info. I am not sure why I care. I see her kids myspace page, and that girl is drama, just like her mama. At least she has had the same boyfriend for awhile now. By that age, I had lost count of how many guys A had been with.

I don't know why I felt the need to purge all of that, just to tell you that A is pregnant. I am weird, what can I say??

Em, you know who I am talkin about right?

Pfffft.

Ok ok ok. Jeebus. All 7 of you have convinced me not to give it up totally. I just want to make one thing clear. ....

I am going through an extremely shitty and confusing and (pardon me) fucked up time in my life. And I feel like if I keep coming here bitching about the same old shit, you are all gonna start rolling your eyes at me and shit. I do not know what to do just yet.

And I am in a wee bit of turmoil over it. See..there are some things that have happened. And I KNOW in my head and in my heart, that in the end, the pea and I will be venturing out on our own. I look forward to this. I will NOT make enough money right out of the gate to live on my own. So I will need a room mate. A very decent and good friend of mine has said that if she is available when I am ready, she will be our roomy.

I cannot tell you what kind of peace of mind this has given me. Even if it does not pan out...the fact that she is willing, is HUGE to me. Thanks Lin.

So, I do not want to keep beating a dead horse over here so I will move along to something else.

This will mean nothing to most of you..but EM, pay attention. ( A clue for you, A lived a few houses away from frak...)

Back when I first moved from Cape Cod to Dartmouth, I made friends with a girl. We shall call her A. I was instantly drawn to her. We had TONS in common. The trouble with being a pre-teen outsider was that A, being a resident of Dartmouth for her entire life, had a subset of lifelong friends already in place. For years I felt like I had to compete with these other two gals, H and D. H and D were always good to me. They were never actually the problem. A was the problem. Hell, maybe it was ME that was the problem in that regard. I dunno.

What I DO know, is that I would have gone to the ends of the earth for A. Our freshman year of high school, a bunch of us had gone to the mall. We were at a local pizza place, all seated and eating our lunch. We had been in school about 3 days.

I noticed that the table behind us contained what I believed to be fellow students and I pointed this out to the other girls, wondering if any of them knew who these girls were. No one really seemed to recognize any of them, so we went on about eating our lunch and talking about the upcoming school year.

This one particular gal at that other table kept giving me the evil eye. It was not just paranoia on my part... every time I looked up, this gal was staring me down. I became a bit unnerved as I was about 5 feet tall at the time and this gal was easily pushing 5' 10" or so. And she looked PISSED off....

Finally, A asked me what was wrong. I said, and these were my EXACT words "That gal over there... with the crazy long hair, she keeps staring me down. What the hell did I do..lookit her, she looks like she wants to eat me..."

Everyone sorta laughed. I did not.

The next Monday at school, I was walking to my locker and some girl comes up to me and says "Nia is going to beat your ass..." And I said "Who is Nia?"

And she says " The girl you were talking shit about at the mall the other day...."
It really took me a minute or two to get who and what she was talking about.

I said "I did not talk any shit about her. I thought that I had seen her before so I asked my friends if she was a classmate of ours or not... Then I noticed that she was staring me down like I was prey?" And the girl says " You ARE prey. A told her everything you said..."

Now.. At this point, I had thought that A was one of my very best friends. I was crushed. I could say NOTHING more in that moment, because I had just been betrayed by someone that I had trusted with ALL OF MY SOUL.

The next few days are a blur. I remember being pushed around and threatened by Nia and her crew. And then one day while out delivering papers on my route, A pulled up in a car with some people, and started shouting at me like she was Nia, yelling at me that she was going to beat my ass.

She laughed at me when I turned around. She really thought that what she was doing was funny.

I remember silently crying the rest of my route, and all the way home.

And that is the first time I can honestly say that I had felt hatred in my heart.

Part two of this story to come tomorrow. I am tired...

Maybe another time?

Meh. Got nothin' to say as of late. I don't think anyone comes here but H, Stace and Em anyway, and I talk to you guys alla time anyway.

Later peeps.

Irritated

A year and a half ago when we realized that we were sinking faster than the Titanic (financially speaking), we called our mortgage company. We had just seen a rep from the company on the nightly news talking about how homeowners need to get in touch with them BEFORE they quit making payments. They had all kinds of things they could do to help people. So we called. We were told that we had to write a 'hardship' letter, and we had to provide all kinds of financial information. We sent along what they requested, and never heard anything from them. So we called again. And we were told that they did not receive anything from us. Fine. We sent it all off again, this time they had to sign for it. We never heard anything from them. When we called this time, they said that there was nothing that they could do for us at that time. They had such a backlog of foreclosures, and they would not be initiating any foreclosures at this time. It was safe for us to stop paying the mortgage, and when they got caught up, they would then try to work something out with us.

Yes, I am serious. This is what they told us. So we quit paying the mortgage. Of course, most of you know what happened then. T relapsed. I moved out. And the house has been sitting vacant, going to hell since August-ish.

They served us with the paperwork the other day. They are finally foreclosing. This whole thing has been very hard, but at this point I am just relieved. I hate to know how it is sitting there going to shit. I would much rather that someone scoop it up and make it their home. *sigh*

So, the reason for my irritability? The mortgage company has sent no less than THREE letters by UPS in the last 4 days telling us how eager they are to help us keep our home.

Fuck off.

Really? Ugh. Where the hell were you a year and a half ago??

We couldn't keep it now anyway, since T is not working and most likely will not be doing so ever again. And the whole drug scene that went on there? I cannot even go there to root through our stuff that was left behind, let alone live in it again. And there is the whole dead drug dealer issue too. I could never live there knowing what went on in there.

we would have lost that house one way or the other. Even if T had not relapsed on the cocaine, he was still abusing his pain meds... and he still would have lost his job. So in the end it would still be this way. So I guess none of it matters. I am still just irritated and pissy about the whole thing though. Meh. I feel a nap coming on...

LOLCAT indeed.

I nearly peed when I saw this. HAHAHA!

Happy Easter!

Blah.

TOM decided to visit me today, a week late, on Easter. Jerk. I hate TOM. So today has been a very blah day.

I really want M to know what this day is really for, but upon trying to talk about it, she gets too confused. I have no idea how to go about talking to her about Jesus, considering that I am not sure what I believe myself. *sigh*

We got up this morning to her delight over her SMALL Easter basket. I am not about to make every stinking holiday about candy, so she got very little. She did get a kite and she is super excited about that. She got some new crayons and coloring books as well, and some flash cards.

The Easter Bunny had eaten his plate of carrots that she left out for him and this just thrilled her to bits! He also hid all of the eggs that we had colored the night before. She LOVED looking for them.


Right now, she is cleaning up with her Daddy. She had this place a mess!

It has been a nice, lazy day. I feel awful for wasting it inside but I was just not up to going out. I feel awful. Guh. And tomorrow will be more of the same.

I have to be up early tomorrow for 2 reasons. One, Space Shuttle Discovery is going up at 6:21 a.m. and I wanna see it. And second, I have to take T to his community service.

I have totally slacked in going to the gym this week and I feel like a loser for doing so. I need to make exercise EVERY DAY a part of my life. Unfortunately, when TOM is here, for about 2 days, that is just not an option. *sigh*

There is no excuse for all of the other days though. I am just a lazy slug and I have NO idea what my effing problem is. I am so disgusted with myself. SO disgusted.
blah.