Pfffft.

Ok ok ok. Jeebus. All 7 of you have convinced me not to give it up totally. I just want to make one thing clear. ....

I am going through an extremely shitty and confusing and (pardon me) fucked up time in my life. And I feel like if I keep coming here bitching about the same old shit, you are all gonna start rolling your eyes at me and shit. I do not know what to do just yet.

And I am in a wee bit of turmoil over it. See..there are some things that have happened. And I KNOW in my head and in my heart, that in the end, the pea and I will be venturing out on our own. I look forward to this. I will NOT make enough money right out of the gate to live on my own. So I will need a room mate. A very decent and good friend of mine has said that if she is available when I am ready, she will be our roomy.

I cannot tell you what kind of peace of mind this has given me. Even if it does not pan out...the fact that she is willing, is HUGE to me. Thanks Lin.

So, I do not want to keep beating a dead horse over here so I will move along to something else.

This will mean nothing to most of you..but EM, pay attention. ( A clue for you, A lived a few houses away from frak...)

Back when I first moved from Cape Cod to Dartmouth, I made friends with a girl. We shall call her A. I was instantly drawn to her. We had TONS in common. The trouble with being a pre-teen outsider was that A, being a resident of Dartmouth for her entire life, had a subset of lifelong friends already in place. For years I felt like I had to compete with these other two gals, H and D. H and D were always good to me. They were never actually the problem. A was the problem. Hell, maybe it was ME that was the problem in that regard. I dunno.

What I DO know, is that I would have gone to the ends of the earth for A. Our freshman year of high school, a bunch of us had gone to the mall. We were at a local pizza place, all seated and eating our lunch. We had been in school about 3 days.

I noticed that the table behind us contained what I believed to be fellow students and I pointed this out to the other girls, wondering if any of them knew who these girls were. No one really seemed to recognize any of them, so we went on about eating our lunch and talking about the upcoming school year.

This one particular gal at that other table kept giving me the evil eye. It was not just paranoia on my part... every time I looked up, this gal was staring me down. I became a bit unnerved as I was about 5 feet tall at the time and this gal was easily pushing 5' 10" or so. And she looked PISSED off....

Finally, A asked me what was wrong. I said, and these were my EXACT words "That gal over there... with the crazy long hair, she keeps staring me down. What the hell did I do..lookit her, she looks like she wants to eat me..."

Everyone sorta laughed. I did not.

The next Monday at school, I was walking to my locker and some girl comes up to me and says "Nia is going to beat your ass..." And I said "Who is Nia?"

And she says " The girl you were talking shit about at the mall the other day...."
It really took me a minute or two to get who and what she was talking about.

I said "I did not talk any shit about her. I thought that I had seen her before so I asked my friends if she was a classmate of ours or not... Then I noticed that she was staring me down like I was prey?" And the girl says " You ARE prey. A told her everything you said..."

Now.. At this point, I had thought that A was one of my very best friends. I was crushed. I could say NOTHING more in that moment, because I had just been betrayed by someone that I had trusted with ALL OF MY SOUL.

The next few days are a blur. I remember being pushed around and threatened by Nia and her crew. And then one day while out delivering papers on my route, A pulled up in a car with some people, and started shouting at me like she was Nia, yelling at me that she was going to beat my ass.

She laughed at me when I turned around. She really thought that what she was doing was funny.

I remember silently crying the rest of my route, and all the way home.

And that is the first time I can honestly say that I had felt hatred in my heart.

Part two of this story to come tomorrow. I am tired...