Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Today was T's appointment at the VA with his new primary care doctor. We had no idea what to expect. He is out of his anxiety meds, and has really been struggling. And I have noticed that he has been quite red faced lately.

We got an explanation for that. His blood pressure was 170/110. That could also be a reason for the headaches, because some of them have been awful, but NOT migraines.

Guh. So, needless to say, he is now on a blood pressure medicine. He is also up to 217 pounds. It is time to knock it off with the Doritos and the ice cream, me thinks. LOL. He went from 165 to 217 in what...3.5 months. Nuts. He's a porker. Heh.

He also is not getting good sleep at all. That is where his Valium came in handy. He never abused that. But because of his addiction issues, he has to go back next week to see a shrinky-dink, and one that specializes in addictions. He got meds for the migraines, and for pain, and a muscle relaxer. He also has to get a full MRI before they will go any further in evaluation of his pain management. Which is good. He does not want to be back on narcotics. I am not sure what all else there is for him, but I guess we will soon find out.

And that is that. Hoping he doesn't drop on me of a bloody heart attack or stroke. That has me seriously worried. *sigh*


I really, really, REALLY do not like Journey. That is all..carry on....

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

drama queeen

My kid knows how to bring the drama. She loves taking a bath. However, she will not tolerate having her hair washed. It is SUCH a struggle. I literally have to just dump water over her head to get the soap out, with her thrashing about and screaming. I have tried EVERYTHING to get her to relax. She does not like getting water in her eyes. Fine. I remember hating that as a child too. So trying to get her to lay back with a washcloth over her eyes would be a good idea, right? I first attempted this BEFORE bath time, so she knew what was coming. It was a no go. And then I tried it in the tub anyway.

Sometimes, momma is pretty thick. If it did not work outside of the tub, it ain't workin' inside of the tub, genius.

I just asked her if she wanted to take a bath, and she said yes. I usually wait until it is closer to bed time, but I have a sinus infection and that always seems to get worse in the evenings. I ran the water, got her in, did the usual dumping of water over her head as fast as I can, soaped up her head, and resumed with the dumping of more water (no worries, tear-free shampoo). I do this as fast as humanly possible. The moment it is over, she is fine.

Except today. I finished up, wiped her face and told her she could play for a bit. She stood up, sighed heavily, threw her hands up the air and said "It's no use! I just want to get out now!!"

I could not contain the laughter. She is just too much. I wish I could convey the tone with which she said this, because you would pee yourself. Really.


Monday, February 8, 2010

Eating out.

What do you do when eating out? Do you get whatever you feel like having, or do you try to make good decisions about what to get?

My attitude on eating out has needed an adjustment for quite some time. I do not eat out often at all anymore. When I do, my attitude has always been to get what I want, no matter how unhealthy it may be, as everything in moderation is okay, right?

Well, it took me awhile, but I DO realize how sad that outlook is. It is stupid of me to justify eating something that is an entire days worth of calories just because I do not eat out often. The more I see things like this, the more disgusted I am that these companies put out this garbage. Ugh. And what is worse is that we buy it!!

I struggle with buying the right foods. I try to keep it as fresh as possible. I really do. I am not always successful with that though. I love to cook, and would rather make something myself, than to eat it out of a package of some sort.

Take this evening, for instance. We are having Hormel Beef Tips in gravy. All I have to do is heat it up, boil some whole wheat pasta, steam some broccoli and we have dinner. My mom bought it for T and I since she is going to be out this evening. And to be honest, I am thankful because I am sick as hell right now.

I feel as though someones taken a cleaver to my throat, and my sinuses are all gunked up and it makes my whole face throb. I have been asleep off and on for most of the day. I feel like poop.

Anyway, I digress. The beef tips are loaded with preservatives, partially hydrogenated oils and the ever present caramel coloring, which seems to be in just about EVERYTHING. We do not eat this sort of thing very often anymore at all. I cook everything now on most nights. And by cook, I do not mean 'throw in microwave.'

So, in reality, I should not feel bad about having this for dinner tonight. Or should I? What is your take on it?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Cold, white silence

That is what I miss most about the snow. I can remember being outside countless times in my younger years, just sitting there alone, listening to the silence. Sometimes, you could hear the snow falling. It was awesome. And I miss that.

I do not miss driving in it, or shoveling it, or freezing my ass off. But I do miss the beauty of a good snowfall. I used to hate when my toes would end up numb, despite the 94739 pairs of socks I had on. I remember being on an endless quest to find really good insulated boots. That never mattered. My toes always ended up numb. I finally confiscated my dad's battery operated socks. Those things ROCKED.

We really spent a lot of time outside in the winter. I can remember having to give in on numerous occasions though. We would go to Tina's house and I would sit right on their space heater. It was awesome. LOL. Instant thaw.

It took a little longer to warm up at my house, unless I dove into my 95 degree water bed. Which, by the way, is usually what I did!

So I see all of the snow that my loved ones are dealing with, and I am a wee bit jealous. *sigh*

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Under $200

I need to come up with about $200. Ok, I don't NEED to. It is not a necessity. But it is for something that weighs very heavy on my heart.

T had pawned his brothers bass guitar and amp, the one thing that he truly treasured of Marks. Unreal. Anyway, he and I have had words over it several times. He feels horrid about it now, of course. As he should.

Anyway, upon last check, it was still at the pawn shop. And I want it back. *sigh*
I had a dream about Mark the other night. It was so real and so vivid. I could clearly see him. He hugged me and I could feel him. I could smell him. He always smelled so good. I won't get into the dream as it disturbed me quite a bit, but he was there in the end, telling me that it would all work itself out. He was always Mister Positive...

A lousy $200. Ugh.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Potty training

I had started potty training M back in October of 2008. Yeah, you read that right. Oh-EIGHT. Ugh.

I took it very slow, taking her into the bathroom with me when I had to go, sitting her on her potty while she was still in her diaper, etc. She took interest and would spend a lot of time sitting on it, but only actually went one time. In November, things with T and I had become so strained that I really just sort of gave up on it, as I did with most everything else. I spent my time playing and reading with her instead.

I was very depressed. I could not sleep most nights, and during the day it was all I could do just to remain awake. I spent a lot of time wandering around my house, crying, knowing that I was going to lose it. Ugh.

In April I had to come here to my moms. I tried to resume the potty thing once her and I got into a routine over here. She was NOT having it. And I did not push. Everything she knew was gone, and even though we had established a routine, I just did not want to push too hard.

Everything I had ever read about training said not to push them, that when they were ready, they would go. Riiiight.

We are several days into this now, and she is doing really well. I had visions of cleaning poop off of the carpet and stuff. So far, so good. She has peed on the carpet only twice, and both of those times I SWEAR she did it out of spite. LOL.

She wore her underwear for the first 3 days with no problems. I keep her in a pull-up at night just in case. She has stayed dry most nights. The last 2 days though, she has refused to wear her underwear. She wants a pull-up. Well, I only have two left and I am broke. SO... when I grabbed her undies this morning, she FREAKED the fuck OUT. I am talking about a screaming, writhing, throwing-up, demonic-like tantrum like I have never seen from her.

She was PISSED.

I let her scream, writhe, gag and flop of the floor for a few minutes. I told her the choice was hers, she could sit there and wig out, or she could put her undies on, have a juice, and watch the Backyardigans. And I walked away.

The tantrum continued. She screamed from the depths of her very being, and at that point I was concerned that she was going to shred her throat. So I went out, picked her up off of the floor and just held her and talked to her and she eventually calmed right down. She asked to put her undies on, and its been smooth sailing since then.

It is only 9:38 a.m. and mama is wondering if it is too early to make a drink.

(I am kidding. Kinda...)

Anyway, all it took was a push. I put my foot down and said NO MORE, and here we are. I wish I had done this sooner. *sigh*