huh.

So, every now and then out of boredom, I do google searches for things like the small town that I used to live in when I was a kid. I do searches on Flickr as well.

Tonight, on myspace, I did a search for people within a 10 mile radius of the zip code. I found my cousin, who lives in the next town over. Cool. Then, I see this face. The face of a 36 year old woman. Only I didn't see the face of her now as she is. I saw the face of a 9 year old girl. My best friend, Yolanda.

Y and I were great friends. We spent lots of time together and one day her Mom packed up her and her brother, Shannon, and left town. I never heard from her again. To this VERY day, I think of her. It bothers me because this would have been a life long friendship, without a doubt. I've missed her. I know that her birthday was in May, and this woman is a Taurus. That is April/May, right??

She is 36. Right age. And her eyes. And her smile. I swear ta GOD, if this is not her, I will eat my shoes. I will be VERY surprised.

Of course, it could just be wishful thinking, and as soon as my brain saw her and her name and age, my imagination went into overdrive.

But I hope that is not the case. I hope it is her. I sent her a message. I will be checking my myspace with rabid OCD-ness in the next few days. The other things? Some people on her friends list are from Illinois. I DO know that that is where she was originally from. All the rest of her friends are all from that area in WV.

Oh. I hope it is her. I really really do.
*sigh*

Perspective

I was on Flickr just now. Found a group for photos taken in the 80s. What a hoot. So I came across some photos from this one woman, and I clicked over to her stream. She mentioned that she was the mom of 5 children. Two of whom died. One girl was stillborn and a boy who died and was delivered at 17 weeks. She took photos, and posted them on her site, with a warning due to the graphic nature.

I couldn't click through. I just. couldn't. do. it.

I am sitting here now, a sobbing, snotty mess.

I love Maya with every fiber of my being. And that is a LOT of fibers. I just simply can NOT imagine. And here I sit and bitch about her sleep issues as of late. Pffft.

I am one lucky woman. And I am going to start living my life as a mother in that regard. No more bitching about sleep, or lack of sleep, or whether or not she has taken all of her clothes out of her drawers.

She is here. Alive. Healthy and wonderful. And I just want to enjoy it, enjoy her and my time with her.

I need to go sob some more. Night...

Holy Crap

Is this a good representation of the youth in this country? Because this is pretty much what myspace is made up of, at least from this age group.

That shit right there, is SCARY. Holy crap, man. And what is with all of these stupid white kids calling each other 'nigga'?? It just does not get much lamer than that. Damn.
*shakes head*

I cannot tell you how sad I find this. Are these kids REALLY that STUPID?? REALLY?
gah. Those must be some proud parents.. And before any one jumps on me... I KNOW that there are good and decent teens out there. I also know that as a parent, you can only do so much.

I read several bloggers who have teens and those kids are just as normal as can be. I am talking about these yahoos. Look at that kids page, look at the comments from his friends. I see that crap ALL over myspace. I have 2 teens on my friends list (kids of old friends) and this kid is a friend of a friend of one of them. I just start clicking around randomly when bored and I see this crap..they are every where. Like a virus.

I know that as a teen I was not perfect. We 'do' things as kids. We act stupid and we are carefree and we do shit for stupid reasons. And most of us don't care about consequences. That is where I (and a few of my good friends) differed. I DID care.
I thought about things most times, before I did anything. I avoided some really stupid situations by simply giving a shit about what my parents actually thought of me. I KNEW BETTER. (That being said, I did get myself into one mess, that I regret, and that I feel awful over to this very day. But I cannot change the past, and it really changed who I am. Just wanting to show that I was not some goody-goody who never did anything wrong. I did plenty.)

But even at my dumbest, at my absolute worst, I was nowhere near this. And I have several people who can vouch for me on that!! (Tina, Nana, Lynn, Stace, MOM!)

My parents would have KICKED MY ASS if I had even THOUGHT of acting like such an idiot.

I mean, I am all for exploring ones self, and for testing boundaries and all that. It is normal and it is how we learn and grow. It is helps us to get where we are today. Lord knows, I made some REALLY stupid decisions over the years. But again, my ni*gas, I never, EVER, was like this...

It just boggles my mind.
Tina, can you imagine if Johnny or Jacob turned out like that???
They would never see the light of day!! LOL

(PS. Don't get your panties in a wad over the 'n' word. Keep it in context, people. Thanks)

Random Brain Dump

I found the kid of one of my former best friends on myspace. She brings the drama just like her mama. Poor kid.

Awhile back we converted Maya's crib to a toddler bed. She never attempted to get out, which both amazed and amused us. That is no longer. I put her down for a nap yesterday, and after about 30 minutes I realized that there was no way she was going to go to sleep. When I went in to get her, this is what I found:




That would be all of her dirty laundry, a mostly full package of diapers as well as a mostly full package of wipes. Good times, yo. She KNEW she was so busted as soon as I opened the door. Her little face had "Ooooh SHIT!" written aaaall over it. I had to stifle my laughter, and then I tried to salvage as many wipes as I could.

I have been flat out exhausted the last few days. During the day I am ok, but come 8 p.m. or so, and I am falling asleep in my chair. Never happens. I was in bed by 9:30 last night. I farted around on my phone for a bit, but by 10:20 or so I was OUT, and I didn't get up til almost 7. This is odd for my night owl-ness and insomnia-prone self. I could have gone right back to sleep too, but Maya is up.

If it were humanly possible, I'd swear I was pregnant. This is how I felt in the early days of my pregnancy with Maya. But no, I am SURE that I am not. You have to have sex to get pregnant. :OP

Annnnnyway. My office is so nice now. All organized and clean and stuffs. I have a load or two of clothes to get done today, and I need to vacuum. I also want to get Maya outside for a bit to run off some of her boundless energy! I gotta empty the dishwasher, take some chicken out of the freezer, and I have lots of studying to do today. Sorry to bore you that. That list was more for my benefit. LOL

*yawns*

And with that, I am off. :O)

Irritated

People just assume that if you are having trouble paying for your house, that you just bought too much house.

That is not the case for a lot of people. We purchased well under what we were approved for. We live in a 30 year old house in a 35 year old neighborhood. Meh. I know I have talked about this before. I feel guilty. Guilty that we are in this mess. I wonder what people think, even though I really shouldn't give a shit.

We do not have an adjustable rate mortgage. We have debt due to unforeseen mental and physical illnesses. We have debt, yes, in part to careless spending. But only because the mental/medical thing happened. We were able to pay for the spending prior to that. And by careless, I mean that we bought new furniture when we bought our house. And we went out to eat a lot. And we took vacations. And we bowled twice a week. And we had friends over for BBQs and parties. We were just...living.

Our biggest mistake was not focusing on savings. While we WERE putting money away, it was not enough.

And now, help would be a welcomed thing. Maybe then I could sleep at night. See, we are awaiting the report from when Todd had his MRI. He may (most likely) be facing more surgery. This time, a probable spinal fusion, and clearing out of arthritis in his lumbar spine. His legs are getting weaker by the day, and he can no longer feel his feet. Temporary disability pays about 60% of his salary. We can say goodbye to this house in that event. *sigh*
So THAT is why the help is needed. As it stands right this very second, we are barely making ends meet. My Mom helps us get groceries and I cannot tell you how much of a loser I feel like as a result. I am so thankful for my Mom. In more ways than one.

He smokes too much, about a pack a day, and that is the most frivolous of our (his) spending. He blows way too much money on the crap but I cannot make him quit, so I have no choice but to deal. I don't go out. I don't do ANYTHING. And it blows.
We do not eat out anymore. We most likely won't even be able to get a Christmas tree this year. And it all boils down to this house payment.

He is due to get a raise in about 5 months. Hopefully it will be a good one. As I had stated in another post, due to some job hopping (as a result of the mental issues he was facing) he is making less now than he was five years ago.

If we could get back to that pay level, all would be well. I am also trying to finish up my schooling so I can get a job. THAT would help things immensely. All we need at this point? Is like an extra $300 a MONTH. That's it. A measly three bills a month and we would be out of the gutter. Ugh.

Anyway... I still cannot help but to get angry at all these comments I am reading on various news articles that pertain to helping people struggling with their mortgage. People just automatically assume that people like me were irresponsible and greedy.
And that is just not the case. Ok, irresponsibility played a small part, but only because we were dumb enough to have that "It won't happen to us" attitude in regards to sickness and craptastic luck.

eh. Sorry. Just venting.

Help...maybe?

I had wanted to post something about today being Veteran's Day. And then I saw this article and I was reduced to tears. I hope we can partake in this. It would make our lives SO much easier right now.

After I stop sobbing like a school girl who just lost her BFF, I will post something of more substance...

breaking bread

My Mom gave me her bread machine about a year or two ago. It has been sitting gathering dust ever since. Good intentions and all...

So today, I knocked the dust off, and baked a loaf of Italian bread. GOOD LORD.
I cannot tell you how freaking deeeelicious it is!! I am going to bake a loaf for my neighbors tomorrow.

I was talking to C today, she is my neighbor across the street. They are in the same kind of financial predicament that we are in. I had no idea. We talked and talked this evening, and she told me that it was so nice to have someone to talk to, that understood what they were going through.

They are on the verge of losing the home that they have lived in for THIRTY years. They refi'd about a year or two ago, before the market went south, anyway. They needed new windows and a new roof and a new AC. They also painted the inside of the house and redid a bathroom. And I can say, the place needed the work. Thirty years of nothing ever being done in there, left it really needing some help.

They did not go overboard with anything. It was a modest bathroom remodel... Anyway, now she has lost clients due to the economy, and W works his ass off. They are just barely making it. She is waiting to hear from the mortgage company as to whether or not they are going to restructure the loan, so they can avoid foreclosure.

We are not quite that bad off just yet. We do have a ridiculous mortgage. That is because we used what equity we had to make improvements. Then we refi'd to consolidate debt and get more money to finish some work we had started.

At that time, it was all well and good as T was making good money. Then he fell apart and went through like 4 jobs. He is now making less than he was 4 years ago, and that has hurt us a LOT. Add in some unforeseen medical expenses and it is a party. And it all just sucks. The market crashed and now we are left with a house that is valued WELL below what it was just 2 years ago. We now have a mortgage that far surpasses the value of the house. We will never get enough in a sale to cover what we owe. So we are stuck.

Same thing with our trucks. We cannot sell them because we are SO upside down on them. We owe way over what they are worth. So selling them is useless, as we would never get what we need to cover the loan. *sigh*

The baking of the bread thing is going to happen a LOT more, because it just simply doesn't get much easier than adding ingredients, and then eating warm gooey bread three hours later. LOL

mmmmm

Next up, cheddar and herb bread and onion soup bread. MMMMM.

Thanks Mom!

Holy Tantrum Batman!!

Yesterday morning, even though it was gray outside and looked like rain, I decided to take Maya to the park. We got there about 9. I was surprised how busy it was. So she is off and running. Everything was going along fine for about 40 minutes. Then, as she was about to go down a big slide, I noticed a wee one at the bottom. Maya would have plowed her over. Wee ones Mother was nowhere to be seen. Who does that? Is it just me? Another woman was there with twin newborns and she just left them in the stroller and was all the way over on the other side of the playground with her son. I mean, would you do that?? Is it just me??

Anyway, I digress. I tell Maya to hold on before she shoots down the slide and kills this small being. I moved the little girl out of the way, and told Maya to come on down. Oy. Too late. She was in the beginnings of a tantrum. I totally thought that once she was able to come on down, all would be ok. HAHAHAHAA. Riiight.

So she slides down the slide. She said she wanted to do it again. So I tried to lead her back to the stairs. She was NOT having it. She started walking in circles. This is never a good sign. LOL

Me: Do you want to go down the slide again?
Her: *screams*
Me: Do you want to go on the swings?
Her: *screams*
Me: What do you want to do then?
Her: *screams*
Me: Ok then. You can sit there and scream. *walks away*
Her: *endoftheworldscreaming*

At this point all of the moms are staring at us. Ugh. Like their little precious has never melted down, right? Why are moms like that?? I'm not. I feel for a mom when I see this sort of thing happening.

I walked over to her to pick her up and she went all jelly on me. You know, the refusal to stand? Arms up so you cannot grasp and pick them up? So I let her plop to her butt. I bent down and tried to pick her up and I swear she dislocated herself at the shoulders, because I could NOT pick her up. She was like a pile of goo. I tried this three damned times before I finally gave in amongst the screaming, and tossed her over my shoulder, kicking and screaming, and headed to the truck.

After like 10 minutes, she was strapped into her car seat, and I shut the door and took a breather. Holy Shit. I have never seen a meltdown of this size from her. She was possessed. It was...weird, to see her this way. She was PISSED. OFF.

Tears rolling, snot flying, red faced, vein popping, gagging and choking pissed off.
I tried to give her her water, and she grabbed the cup, put the straw in her mouth, and bit it like a dog with a chew toy. Head shake and all.

At that point I had to close the door again so she didn't see me CRACK UP. It was hilarious. Poor kid.

I attempted a swipe at the snot with a wipe, that just made her even angrier. So I gave up. I got in the truck and drove home. I WAS going to go vote, but that was going to have to wait. There had been a line at the polling place and I was just spent anyway.

She screamed the whole way home about how she wanted to go back to the playground. I told her that we could try again tomorrow. I told her that I was sorry that she was mad, and that its ok to be mad. However, we were not going back to the playground today. She settled down a bit. When we got home and I took her out of the truck, she wrapped herself around me. We came in the house and sat down and she just chilled out on me for a bit.

Whenever she does this these days, I take it all in. I always want to remember how she feels in my arms. Because I won't always be able to do this. I won't always be able to make things right in her world, simply by holding her and loving her. *tear*

She ate lunch (hot dog and applesauce! YUM...) and then took a THREE HOUR nap.

I guess tantrum-ing is hard work, huh?

Anti-Sammich

Maya won't each sandwiches. It is kind of funny, yet frustrating. She pulls them apart, and eats whatever is inside. You can imagine that with something like PB&J, this makes quite the mess. Today I gave her a cheese sammich, and she did the same. Pulled it apart, ate the cheese and licked the Miracle Whip off of the bread. I don't get it. She LIKES bread. She eats toast, both with just butter and with jelly and even with applesauce on it. She eats a hot dog in a bun. She eats bread with butter when we have beef stew, etc. But a sammich? Nope.

What the hell? LOL

Weirdo.

Halloween was good. She was a witch. Again, no camera. We took pics with my mom's camera so when she sends them to me, I will post. We met my Mom over at my in-laws place and just went to a few houses. She is small yet and we just do not need all that candy in the house. She had a good time, and so did we. It is always good to see my mom-in-law and my Mom. I am so very fortunate that T's family is so wonderful. I REALLY enjoy my MIL's company. (Remember, this is T's step mom, not his mom-mom.) And her and my Mom get on just fine too, which is very cool.

Maya does not get much sugar. I mean, she does as far as fruit goes, being a big fruit eater. But as for garbage sugar? No. So the one little snickers she had today has fueled her craziness all damned day. Bouncing off the walls and such. Momma needs a drink. LOL

Off to clean the pool and grill up some kabobs. mmmmm.