Dad

My cousin posted a pic on Facebook tonight, a pic of my Dad, and his mom and sister, and what I believe is his half-brother.

It really got me.

My Dad would have loved seeing such an old pic, especially since my Nan and my Aunt have recently passed. It would have brought a smile to his face and tears to his eyes, as it did for me.

I miss my Dad in ways that I still cannot put into words. And all that I can hope for is that he has all of the answers to all of his questions now. Of course, that also means that he now knows things about me that he never knew. My deepest, darkest secret, if you will.

That bothers me. I have dreams of dying, and he is there, waiting for me as I cross over to whatever is next. The agony of not knowing what his reaction will be causes an upwelling of dread the likes of which I have never known.

On one hand, I know that my Dad loved me unconditionally. I also know that my secret would have gutted him to his core. So I can honestly say that I have NO idea what his reaction would be.

And my dreams yield no insight, because I always wake up before I reach him.

Ugh.

Why?

You are obviously mad at me. Why do you come here every day? I am just curious...
Not that I expect an answer, but I am still curious.

Here we gooo!

I am so not ready for M to be four. LOL.
*sigh*

So, the party is set. Email invites were sent. All replied but one, and I even got a pleasant surprise in the way of a friend willing to bring her granddaughter, who is just a few months younger than M. I think it will be a good time. I love seeing M happy and she just loves the place, even if I do not LOL.

T's bankruptcy went through yesterday. He also got all of the paperwork for the new job. Of course, they do a background check. His latest fall from grace left him with a misdemeanor (simple battery), and we are hoping that the company can over look it. He had to give a reason for it on the app. He was honest, as much as he could be.

He goes today to drop off the pre-employment paperwork, and to take the drug test.

Hopefully he can start within the next two weeks or so. It is going to be nutty for me until we get a car. I have to take T to work, across town, for 8, and somehow be back here to get M to school for 9. I am thinking he is going to have to go into work earlier during the week. On Fridays, hes going to have to go in later, as I will have to take Mom to work at 8, M to school for 9, THEN take T to work.

I am NOT going to complain ONE bit though, because IF he gets this job..I will be SO grateful.


SO. GRATEFUL.

greatful? grateful? Why do both of those words look wrong to me? I hate when that happens. LOL.


Anyway, moving on.. Next week is M's pre-k open house. I am so excited for her. She is so excited! When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she gave me quite the rundown, but the very first thing she asked for was "nice, new clothes for school!"

I cannot get over how..dainty she is. Me..have a dainty child? Hahaha! I was not even dainty in utero... she is just so wee and cute. My little peanut. I am excited for her new adventure! :)

Aannd I am off..gotta run back over to Tampa. Just call me Taxi Jen. :P

Huzzah!

So. Despite all that has gone on. And despite the fact that a lot of you think I am crazy for trying again, I am. Deal, mmkay? Good. Thanks. LOL.

I really did not mean that to sound as flippant as it does. I am just tired of it all. I am following my heart. I am smart enough to know that it could happen again. IF it does, at that time, I will do what is necessary. And that would be to bail. Completely. Divorce, restraining order so he cannot contact me, etc...

He is an addict. He IS working hard to overcome everything, and we are working together to move past what has happened. Can we do it? I do not know. Honestly. I really do not know. But we are going to try.

T interviewed for a job last week. We got the call today. He got the job. It is in Tampa, which REALLY sucks. He does not drive any more, which means I shall become a taxi LOL. NOT looking forward to that. But what I am looking forward to, is having our own place again, with a backyard for M. And having a kitty. I miss my cats SO much. And I cannot WAIT to have a vehicle again....

We do not know the details yet, they will be in touch tomorrow. All we know is that he got the job.

Amen to THAT!

Four

M asked me to look at old pictures the other day. Odd request from an almost 4 year old. So, I opened up the laptop and we started looking at pictures. I thought seeing our old life would bother me, but it didn't. We really had a nice life, and we will, once again, with or without T. I am working very hard for that.

We came across some photos from when we went to Shane and Shaun's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's last year. So guess where she wants her party this year?

So, I am guessing we will have it on Sunday, August 15th. The only people that will be there are us. I will let her other grandparents know. They are ALWAYS busy, so who knows. I hope at least Janet will come for an hour or so. I will invite Shane and Shaun and Heather, and hope that they will come because I do not know anyone else with kids. How sad is that?

That is why I am so excited for her to start school. She LOVES being around other kids. I cannot wait for her to have little friends she can play with and stuff.

I wish that I had more family in the area. *sigh*

So, Chuck E. Cheese it is. It should be fun. She LOVES the place. We went there for my niece's birthday recently, and she has talked about it ever since.

I cannot believe that my baby is going to be 4...

Survivor

As you MUST know by now, I am a HUGE Survivor junkie. I just read that after 10 years on Thursday nights, it is switching to Wednesday nights. Do you have ANY idea how that is going to COMPLETELY screw me UP?? LMAO!

THURSDAY is Survivor night man! Now I gotta try and get my brain to make it WEDNESDAY nights.

Meh.

Aahhh if only ALL my problems were so... ridiculous.

TOM

TOM is getting worse. It has always been bad for me. But these last two months have knocked me on my butt. I literally cannot leave the house for about 3 days. It used to just be a day like that, now it is three. Pfft. I have no insurance and no way of paying to go see my gyno. I am just hoping that nothing is seriously wrong. Ugh.

I am also having a ton of trouble sleeping. I am tired, I just cannot shut off my brain. There is just SO much going on in my life right now...UGH. I am really at a turning point, or a fork in the road I guess...major decisions need to be made and I am STILL not sure which way I am going.

My bestie told me the other day to just follow my heart. Do not listen to what anyone has to say about it, just follow my heart. Trouble with that? I am not sure what my heart feels. One day I am happy, the next, not so much.

In truth, I am a mess.

Gotta go study... see yah around.

I am 37, when does it END already?!

I was looking in the mirror, trying to figure out why in the HELL my face is breaking out like I am 13 years old...

TOM. Bitch will be here next week, and he sends his mail ahead of time. Jerk.

LOL

Taylor Lautner

I.Don't.Get.It.

At all.

Watching him on Letterman, and even if I remove the fact that he is ONLY 18? Still..Ew.

I just do not get it. He is not even remotely attractive to me.