Dad

My cousin posted a pic on Facebook tonight, a pic of my Dad, and his mom and sister, and what I believe is his half-brother.

It really got me.

My Dad would have loved seeing such an old pic, especially since my Nan and my Aunt have recently passed. It would have brought a smile to his face and tears to his eyes, as it did for me.

I miss my Dad in ways that I still cannot put into words. And all that I can hope for is that he has all of the answers to all of his questions now. Of course, that also means that he now knows things about me that he never knew. My deepest, darkest secret, if you will.

That bothers me. I have dreams of dying, and he is there, waiting for me as I cross over to whatever is next. The agony of not knowing what his reaction will be causes an upwelling of dread the likes of which I have never known.

On one hand, I know that my Dad loved me unconditionally. I also know that my secret would have gutted him to his core. So I can honestly say that I have NO idea what his reaction would be.

And my dreams yield no insight, because I always wake up before I reach him.

Ugh.