See?

This is why I hardly blog these days. The only time I feel compelled to come here is when I am angry. Who wants to read that shit? Ugh. Well, here I am. And if I don't whine a bit, I am gonna go postal.

I will be the first to admit that I need some help. I need someone (professional) to talk to. And I cannot do that without insurance. GREAT. I am a mess. I mean, I get up in the mornings, take care of my kid, the house, etc. I try to eat good and exercise.

But I really think I am losing my mind.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, right? Well, here I am doing the same thing over and over, only I KNOW that the result is going to be the same. THAT, my friends, is STUPIDITY. And I am not sure WHY I do this. I guess because I am stupid.

I KNOW he should be out on his ass. And I cannot make him go because I would NOT want someone doing that to me. He has done everything right since getting here, with the exception of snorting his meds once again. I am livid.

However, if I toss him out on the street with nowhere to go, all the work Mom and I have put into this whole mess was for NOTHING. I am just not about to make someone homeless, whether or not HE brought this upon himself.

Let me make one thing clear here. There are NO illegal drugs in this house. That is not what is going on. He takes more of his prescribed stuff than he should, and he snorts it instead of just swallowing it.

Drugs are drugs. I know this. And according to NA, one is no better than the other. I disagree, at least right now. He is not out smoking crack and hanging with drug dealers, so..whatever.

Yeah. I am an enabler, I guess. Even though I do not agree with that either, because he would snort his meds whether he was here or under a bridge. At least here, he is safe.

The major problem with kicking him out is his probation. This is the address on file with the sheriff, so if he were to no longer have an address, a warrant goes out for his arrest.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Yet, knowing what I now know about addiction, I cannot kick him out and make him homeless now, anymore than I could if he had cancer.

Yes, I believe it is a disease. And yes, when we fight he turns into a major asshole. But you know what? SO DO I. I say mean and hurtful things, things that I know are gonna sting. I hate that about me.

So, the plan is this... hes here until his probation is done. His lawyer is going to try to get him early termination since he has done everything that he was supposed to do. Once he no longer has that hefty fine to pay each month, his unemployment should be enough to get him a room somewhere, or a small efficiency/1 bedroom apartment.

At that point, I cannot do what I did last time. I have to immediately file for divorce, get sole custody of M, and move the fuck on. And you know what??

Once he is in his own place? I can feel good about what I did. I can say, without a doubt, that I did all that I could. What he does from that point on is just not my problem. I WILL change my number, put in for child support... and try to find myself again...


because right now, I am very, very lost. And I want me back. I really do.