Thanks

I just wanted those of you who comment to know that I NEVER think ill of you for giving your two cents. If I did not want your input, I would not blog. So no worries, mmkay??

Good. Now.. that being said, I know I sound ridiculous in saying that he is doing everything right blah blah blah. I just cannot put him out on the street. I can't. If he was sitting here all wasted all of the time, yes, that would be easy to do. But he is not. If he was smoking the big C again, definitely. I did not put up with that in our own home, I am not about to put up with it here.

What I do know is that yes, he is an addict. He is also on heavy duty pain meds because he truly requires them. And that, is too much temptation. So how does one resolve this? I do not know. I really do not.

I also know that he cannot live without pain relief. That is not an exaggeration, or an excuse. It is fact. Even on the meds, he is in incredible pain. Bad enough that he cannot chase after the Pea, he cannot get down on the floor with her. Doing the dishes even, causes him great pain. But he does it all anyway.

He says he is not snorting his meds. I am not stupid. I believe that he is. I am not sure how many pills he does (never more than 1 a day, because hes not short any pills at the moment...)or if he does it every day. I think hes careful about leaving evidence behind.

And as I had stated before, once his fines are paid, hes got to get his own place. Because for as much as I love him, I hate him just as much. And that is a recipe for disaster.

So I would rather just start clean. And yes, I KNOW that I go back and forth on this like I am on a see-saw. That is because this IS DAMNED HARD. I believe he will forever hold my heart. I really do. I think he was 'IT' ...

I also know that in a year, 5 years, I may look back on all of this and kick myself in the ass. I just have to take it one day at a time. Everyone is so concerned about M. She is here with me and my mom, not just him. He is non-violent. We have fought in front of her ONCE. I do not leave her alone with him except for when I have to go pick up my mom.

She is a happy, well-adjusted kid if you ask me. It isn't like this is a drug house and she is sitting amongst a bunch of high people. No one can tell when T has done anything. I usually can, because his pupils get all big. But that is the only sign, scouts honor.

Anyway, whatever. I gotta go get my mom...