Ugh.

Well, that did not take long huh?

My head is SPINNING and I just need to vent.

I made T leave today.

For real this time. I know I know, I can see you rolling your eyes. Quit it. I am serious.

For the last 2 weeks or so, he has been whacked out of his mind, and I could not figure out how he was doing it. All of his meds are accounted for. He is taking them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME most of the time... so WTF??

Today, I caught him snorting a pill, and he told me it was one of his morphine pills. It did not dawn on me until AFTER I asked him to leave, but that was NOT a morphine pill. His pills are blue. This was a white pill.

Anyway, I have just simply had ENOUGH. I cannot take another day living like this.

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Last night, I sat here for almost FOUR hours. I cried the entire time,and went through an ENTIRE box of tissue, while going through all of the photos of our time together that I have on this computer. It was torture. I am not sure why we as humans do shit like that. But whatever. I did just that. I came across three photos that just left me speechless.

These photos show a beautiful, happy, smiling T. I see the man that I fell so deeply in love with, the man that I had hoped to grow old with. They cut me to my core and left me gasping for breath. The crying was unstoppable.

People see him now in a bad way. They think he is an asshole, or a jerk. He is none of those things. He is simply an addict, an addict with real pain issues, who is faced with a very difficult choice several times a day. Each day when it is time to take his pain meds, he has to fight to do the right thing. Now, before anyone jumps on me for 'making excuses' for him, it is what it is. That is just how it goes for addicts. Not an excuse, but FACT.

I apologize for rambling and being all over the place. I knew this day would come. I have known that for awhile now. It is still hard because I love him. Well, I love WHO he once was. He is not that man anymore. There are still bits of the man I love in there, but mostly he is gone.

I gave him a choice today. Leave and know that you are NOT coming back. EVER. Or stay, and tomorrow I take you for help.

He kissed me on the forehead, told me that he loved me, hugged M tight, and walked out the door.

THAT. Right there...was IT.

Then. AFTER he left, I thought of something.

Recenly, my mom had been put on Methadone for her pain. She had a very negative reaction to it. She told me that she was going to take it in to the docs for disposal. I called her this evening (she is away on vacation) and when I asked her if the pills were white, she said yes. I asked her where she put them. She told me and I went to look.

They are gone.

NOW I know why hes been so whacked out, and how hes been able to do it without going through a bunch of his pain meds.

And THAT made me steaming MAD. I have been lied to, right to my face, for the LAST time.

He left on his bicycle, with his meds, and a change of clothes. I told him that I would keep all his stuff til he had a place to take it all. That day, I am pretty sure, will never come. As soon as he left, I checked his calls on the tmobile website..and I checked his contacts. Sure enough, hes already been in touch with a cr@ck dealer!

So I messaged him to tell him that the phone would be shut off tomorrow by noon, and that he needed to get himself a phone with minutes PRONTO. I think he has his phone off so not sure if he got the message or not. But tomorrow by noon, it WILL be off.

And I am changing my number from the get go. I am not playing all of those games like the last time. Screw that noise. He also needs to get a PO box because I do not want to be responsible for his mail and his meds coming here ...

I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I really though that after M went to bed, I would be a MESS. I am not. I am sad. I am angry. I am empty. I am afraid of what is to come... his drama and all that. Afraid that hes going to kill himself. But all of this is HIS doing. I did ALL THAT I COULD to help him.

I have known that you cannot fix broken people. And yet, I STILL always try.

WHAT is wrong with me?

Oh, And I hope to file for divorce within a month. Just need the $500 to get it started on my own so I don't have to pay a lawyer $3k.

Ok. That is better. I am going to go watch Army Wives now...