bubeye

Done here. May pop up elsewhere at some point. Will need a fresh start somewhere else, some day.

Thanks for following along. You can always find me on Facebook for now.

Brain Dump

I wish that I did not love him so much. *sigh*

My brother has a warrant here in this county from 2008.

M's ear draining (she has swimmer's ear) is GROSS. I used to get that a lot as a kid. I had forgotten about the ooze. Yuk.

Her teacher told me yesterday that she is "blossoming in every area! She is amazing!" Then she went on to tell me that M is a joy and she has enjoyed watching her open up. *beams*

I am afraid of the future. I do not know if I am doing the right thing on any front. I have never been one to be so afraid ... ugh.

I am trying to just.. have faith. Believe.. believe that it will all be ok. I keep telling myself to 'just believe' ...

I am hooked on 'The Event' and had NO idea that was Jason Ritter. He is nice to look at. LOL.

My kid says the cutest things. Today she told me that she was ready for the 'confection' in her ear to go away. The other day she was coaxing her toy kitty to 'come to Uncle Maya' .. LOL. I was after her to pick up her toys the other day and she responded by putting her hand on her hip, cocking her head while throwing me a glance and saying "Fiiiiine!" Oy.


And that is it. I guess. I had more, but I have been interrupted so many times while trying to post this!

Jim

Jim has been around for a long time. I mean, you know, on the internet. ;o)
I have switched blogs and platforms so much over the years, that I lose links. I have a copy of my very first blog though, with the link list intact. And every so often I venture in there and have a look-see. Most of the blogs are long gone. Not Jim, though.

The funny things is that I had been thinking about him recently. He had a Nan and Pop, just like me. And when his Nan passed, he moved into her home, and made it his family's new abode. He did tons of remodeling. I remember him posting pictures. It turned out absolutely magical and I was SO happy for him.

I, hopefully, am about to do the same thing. There will be no wild upgrades or remodels or anything like that. I am just going to move my stuff in, and make it mine. You know, if all goes well. It is all still up in the air and I probably should not even be mentioning it, but I am busting at the seams over here. I already know where I am putting things. I am hopeful, and excited, and scared that it won't happen. So I am just pushing the negative aside, and staying positive that that is where I belong, and so it shall be.

*breathes deep*

Venting

People irritate me.

This morning when I logged in to Facebook, there was a story from a local news station about a Deputy who was killed in an early morning accident. The story was an update from the original reporting of the story, and it simply stated that the officer was dead following the accident downtown.

No other details are given.

And the people commenting are going off because they used the word dead.

Now, I know a few people that simply to not like the word, for whatever reason. But I am of the thought that well, it is just a word. Dead is dead. We all die. It is one thing to not like the word, but to go ON and ON about how they should have worded it differently, perhaps to say that the officer passed away, would have been nicer.

Really? Guess what? If someone passes away, they are still dead! Changing the word does not change the fact!

Meh. I am just being pissy I guess. *sigh*

Hmmm

So I was thinking that I would just blog over at the old Mother Hen site for things related to M and parenting and all that. Oooh. A mommyblog! Aren't you all just THRILLED? Hah!

I do know that some of you like to know what is going on in that realm, and I like to blog about her, so why not? I am thinking though, that I may password it, so that I can freely post pictures and stuff.

I just do not know yet. I AM blogging elsewhere. It is a place to dump my heart and soul in regards to T and what has happened. I am not putting it out there, as I have clearly done enough of THAT. I just needed a private place to blather on. No one has the URL and I think I am gonna keep it that way.

I am also blogging over at Tikigirl but a lot of that is paid posting. I try my best to keep it real but sometimes I have to stretch LOL.

What else? Hmm. Oh yah. This morning, I promised the pea that she could have a donut this afternoon if she went to school with no screaming (because she started in first thing this morning!)and no drama. Bad mama, I know. But she does not get that sort of thing often at all. We eat pretty healthy over here. So, it was a treat. She was a doll this morning and her teachers said she had another GREAT day! YAY! So, we went to D and D and she got a chocolate milk and a strawberry frosted donut with sprinkles.

And I managed to lose my Paypal debit card while there. I called the store but no one turned it in. I am pretty sure I lost it in the parking lot. I had stuffed it in my pocket and my pockets are shallow. Pea sat in the front seat with me while she ate. When I got out to buckle her into her seat, I am sure it fell out into the parking lot. Ah well.

So I transferred the money to my bank account, cancelled the card, and requested a new one.

No studying til tonight after the pea is in bed...as my mom is at work today. Anxious to get it all done so I can get a J O B.

Had to go to Tampa today to bring T his checks. The palm trees in my old backyard are so dead, one of them fell over. Ugh. Makes me so very sad. But, I cannot dwell on what was lost. I allow myself to cry when I need to, but all of that shit is no longer my focus.

M and our future IS what my focus is and will continue to be.

I am DYING to get back to the gym. The next time I take a body pump class, it is going to KILL me since I have not been in like a month. Major suckage right there.
I was going to get back into it this week, but feel like death due to a wonderful sinus infection. ugh.

Aaannnd that is all me thinks. Off to watch my guilty pleasure (Days of Our Lives. SHUSH.) and then I am off to Walgreens for more Nyquil, Vicks and tissues!!

Til next time........

Changes

Gonna have to ditch this place soon, as I am not going to be jenhen for much longer. Have an appointment with a divorce attorney this week. I really just want to get it all over with so I can move the hell on.

I cannot spend too much time blogging, facebooking or tweeting. I cannot spend a whole lot of time doing much of anything, as I MUST complete school and get a job. No more dragging my feet. No more sitting around, depressed and mopey. I do not have time for that anymore. NO more excuses.

I opened photoshop this morning and made a wee collage that included a photo of M, a photo of an Xterra similar to the one that I used to have, a pic of a cute little house with a fenced yard, and a kitty. THAT is my inspiration. I want nothing more than to finish school, get a job, get my damned truck, get a place to live with a yard so my kid can go outside to play (we can't do that here. she is not supposed to be here. No one under 18. Luckily mom has tolerant and kind neighbors..for now anyway.)and a kitty.

And a fish tank. LOL.

Anyway, it now resides on my desktop, where it will stay until I get each of those things checked off of my to do list!

Sometimes I need that motivation. Sometimes, I NEED that kick in the ass so I can get over my self and my self pity and get a move on.

I procrastinate. A lot. It is the one thing that I wish to change about myself above all else. I would have a lot less problems in life if I just stopped with the procrastination already.

And with that, its back to studying.

:)

Ugh.

Well, that did not take long huh?

My head is SPINNING and I just need to vent.

I made T leave today.

For real this time. I know I know, I can see you rolling your eyes. Quit it. I am serious.

For the last 2 weeks or so, he has been whacked out of his mind, and I could not figure out how he was doing it. All of his meds are accounted for. He is taking them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME most of the time... so WTF??

Today, I caught him snorting a pill, and he told me it was one of his morphine pills. It did not dawn on me until AFTER I asked him to leave, but that was NOT a morphine pill. His pills are blue. This was a white pill.

Anyway, I have just simply had ENOUGH. I cannot take another day living like this.

---------------

Last night, I sat here for almost FOUR hours. I cried the entire time,and went through an ENTIRE box of tissue, while going through all of the photos of our time together that I have on this computer. It was torture. I am not sure why we as humans do shit like that. But whatever. I did just that. I came across three photos that just left me speechless.

These photos show a beautiful, happy, smiling T. I see the man that I fell so deeply in love with, the man that I had hoped to grow old with. They cut me to my core and left me gasping for breath. The crying was unstoppable.

People see him now in a bad way. They think he is an asshole, or a jerk. He is none of those things. He is simply an addict, an addict with real pain issues, who is faced with a very difficult choice several times a day. Each day when it is time to take his pain meds, he has to fight to do the right thing. Now, before anyone jumps on me for 'making excuses' for him, it is what it is. That is just how it goes for addicts. Not an excuse, but FACT.

I apologize for rambling and being all over the place. I knew this day would come. I have known that for awhile now. It is still hard because I love him. Well, I love WHO he once was. He is not that man anymore. There are still bits of the man I love in there, but mostly he is gone.

I gave him a choice today. Leave and know that you are NOT coming back. EVER. Or stay, and tomorrow I take you for help.

He kissed me on the forehead, told me that he loved me, hugged M tight, and walked out the door.

THAT. Right there...was IT.

Then. AFTER he left, I thought of something.

Recenly, my mom had been put on Methadone for her pain. She had a very negative reaction to it. She told me that she was going to take it in to the docs for disposal. I called her this evening (she is away on vacation) and when I asked her if the pills were white, she said yes. I asked her where she put them. She told me and I went to look.

They are gone.

NOW I know why hes been so whacked out, and how hes been able to do it without going through a bunch of his pain meds.

And THAT made me steaming MAD. I have been lied to, right to my face, for the LAST time.

He left on his bicycle, with his meds, and a change of clothes. I told him that I would keep all his stuff til he had a place to take it all. That day, I am pretty sure, will never come. As soon as he left, I checked his calls on the tmobile website..and I checked his contacts. Sure enough, hes already been in touch with a cr@ck dealer!

So I messaged him to tell him that the phone would be shut off tomorrow by noon, and that he needed to get himself a phone with minutes PRONTO. I think he has his phone off so not sure if he got the message or not. But tomorrow by noon, it WILL be off.

And I am changing my number from the get go. I am not playing all of those games like the last time. Screw that noise. He also needs to get a PO box because I do not want to be responsible for his mail and his meds coming here ...

I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I really though that after M went to bed, I would be a MESS. I am not. I am sad. I am angry. I am empty. I am afraid of what is to come... his drama and all that. Afraid that hes going to kill himself. But all of this is HIS doing. I did ALL THAT I COULD to help him.

I have known that you cannot fix broken people. And yet, I STILL always try.

WHAT is wrong with me?

Oh, And I hope to file for divorce within a month. Just need the $500 to get it started on my own so I don't have to pay a lawyer $3k.

Ok. That is better. I am going to go watch Army Wives now...