Pron star

So. I went to high school with a dude who ended up in pron. And for those of you less internet savvy... yes, that is misspelled intentionally. LOL.

He dated a good friend of mine for awhile. And years later, another friend of mine (Stace) sent me a movie she copied off of one of the naughty channels...swearing to GOD that the dude in the movie was CG, the guy we went to school with. I watched it and was like NO WAY... yet, yes way. It was.... odd. LOL.

Recently, he added me on Facebook. Imagine my surprise. LOL. Tonight we were chatting. It was odd. He made the following comment and I could not suppress my laughter: "I am not shooting much these days, as the economy has really made a ding in the industry."

Do you see the humor in this?? He is not shooting much lately... oooh the irony in that statement.

I felt bad for him, for about a millisecond. I WISH I could get it as often as he has over the years. And to be paid awesomely for it? Pshaw! Bonus! You know, if I didn't have to a ho to do that. LOL.

All joshing aside... whatever. He works for his money. Even if the work IS fun.

Kinda jealous given how my life has turned out.


(and NO.. I would not want to be a pron star. No worries. Just feeling sorry for myself, as me and T's hard work got us where??? Pfft. )

dammit

Ok guys. I am a dolt. That link takes you to the map, and not the street view. I took a screen shot of it, but it is on my moms computer. I will post the pic later. Right now, I am headed to the pool! My nephew flew in this morning and I am anxious to see him...

Thankful for Street View on Google Maps!

Whether or not T and I stay together, once I am working I will not be able to afford to live around here. I have been looking around at the Cape Coral area. You can rent a house down there for about what a 2 bedroom apartment goes for around here.

So I find this house on craigslist. Keep in mind that I am just looking around, there is no way I will be able to do anything for a long while. Anyway, so I find this... .. Go see.

So.. I am loving the house. I read in the description that there is only ONE neighbor. And I thought... Hmmmm, so I plugged the address given into Google Maps. Thank GOD for street view.

Because THIS is the one neighbor.

NOW I know why the place is empty. LOL

Angry

I just watched the Dateline special about the oil spill in the Gulf. I am so fucking enraged right now, I can barely see straight. I am REALLY ANGRY.

Please tell me, someone, anyone, that the poor pelican they kept showing actually got some HELP. Please?

God. What a mess. And it could have been avoided.

That is what makes me madder than a pissed off hornet. According to the people they spoke to (and yes, I know one cannot always believe everything they hear..I am sorta trusting of the Dateline folks, forgive me...)this was TOTALLY avoidable.

I am not going to get into the details here. If you watched, you know. And you should understand why I am outraged. It is not just the pelicans and pipers and seagulls that suffer. It is not just the fisherman and the consumers who want their oysters that will suffer.

This is HUGE people. HUGE. And it goes so much deeper (no pun intended) than a lot of people realize.

I am angry. I am upset. I grew up on the coast. I live on the coast now. I LOVE watching the pipers scurry and the pelican do their graceful scoops. I love the smell of the ocean and I love floating about in her waves.

If you have never seen a pelican in action, you are missing nature at its best. It even makes me sad to know that those pesky seagulls that pluck half-sandwiches and Pringles right out of my hands, when I am not paying attention, are in trouble too. Then, there are all of those things that you DON'T see in the ocean. Things that will interrupt the food chain, that will have a long and lasting effect on our oceans.

Way to spend my birthday-eve. I am so totally depressed, and so totally disappointed yet again in humanity....


And then, something else that is bothering me and it should not because I SUCK in this capacity....but, I have not received even ONE birthday card. Happy Birthday to me....ugh.

Thanks

I just wanted those of you who comment to know that I NEVER think ill of you for giving your two cents. If I did not want your input, I would not blog. So no worries, mmkay??

Good. Now.. that being said, I know I sound ridiculous in saying that he is doing everything right blah blah blah. I just cannot put him out on the street. I can't. If he was sitting here all wasted all of the time, yes, that would be easy to do. But he is not. If he was smoking the big C again, definitely. I did not put up with that in our own home, I am not about to put up with it here.

What I do know is that yes, he is an addict. He is also on heavy duty pain meds because he truly requires them. And that, is too much temptation. So how does one resolve this? I do not know. I really do not.

I also know that he cannot live without pain relief. That is not an exaggeration, or an excuse. It is fact. Even on the meds, he is in incredible pain. Bad enough that he cannot chase after the Pea, he cannot get down on the floor with her. Doing the dishes even, causes him great pain. But he does it all anyway.

He says he is not snorting his meds. I am not stupid. I believe that he is. I am not sure how many pills he does (never more than 1 a day, because hes not short any pills at the moment...)or if he does it every day. I think hes careful about leaving evidence behind.

And as I had stated before, once his fines are paid, hes got to get his own place. Because for as much as I love him, I hate him just as much. And that is a recipe for disaster.

So I would rather just start clean. And yes, I KNOW that I go back and forth on this like I am on a see-saw. That is because this IS DAMNED HARD. I believe he will forever hold my heart. I really do. I think he was 'IT' ...

I also know that in a year, 5 years, I may look back on all of this and kick myself in the ass. I just have to take it one day at a time. Everyone is so concerned about M. She is here with me and my mom, not just him. He is non-violent. We have fought in front of her ONCE. I do not leave her alone with him except for when I have to go pick up my mom.

She is a happy, well-adjusted kid if you ask me. It isn't like this is a drug house and she is sitting amongst a bunch of high people. No one can tell when T has done anything. I usually can, because his pupils get all big. But that is the only sign, scouts honor.

Anyway, whatever. I gotta go get my mom...

ugh

So I have been chatting with an old friend this morning. I had wanted to show her the satellite image of my old house that was on google. Imagine my surprise when I googled the address only to find an updated image. All of the palm trees are dead, the pool is a deep green..

It made my heart SINK. It is killing me that it is just sitting there, rotting.

meh.

See?

This is why I hardly blog these days. The only time I feel compelled to come here is when I am angry. Who wants to read that shit? Ugh. Well, here I am. And if I don't whine a bit, I am gonna go postal.

I will be the first to admit that I need some help. I need someone (professional) to talk to. And I cannot do that without insurance. GREAT. I am a mess. I mean, I get up in the mornings, take care of my kid, the house, etc. I try to eat good and exercise.

But I really think I am losing my mind.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, right? Well, here I am doing the same thing over and over, only I KNOW that the result is going to be the same. THAT, my friends, is STUPIDITY. And I am not sure WHY I do this. I guess because I am stupid.

I KNOW he should be out on his ass. And I cannot make him go because I would NOT want someone doing that to me. He has done everything right since getting here, with the exception of snorting his meds once again. I am livid.

However, if I toss him out on the street with nowhere to go, all the work Mom and I have put into this whole mess was for NOTHING. I am just not about to make someone homeless, whether or not HE brought this upon himself.

Let me make one thing clear here. There are NO illegal drugs in this house. That is not what is going on. He takes more of his prescribed stuff than he should, and he snorts it instead of just swallowing it.

Drugs are drugs. I know this. And according to NA, one is no better than the other. I disagree, at least right now. He is not out smoking crack and hanging with drug dealers, so..whatever.

Yeah. I am an enabler, I guess. Even though I do not agree with that either, because he would snort his meds whether he was here or under a bridge. At least here, he is safe.

The major problem with kicking him out is his probation. This is the address on file with the sheriff, so if he were to no longer have an address, a warrant goes out for his arrest.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Yet, knowing what I now know about addiction, I cannot kick him out and make him homeless now, anymore than I could if he had cancer.

Yes, I believe it is a disease. And yes, when we fight he turns into a major asshole. But you know what? SO DO I. I say mean and hurtful things, things that I know are gonna sting. I hate that about me.

So, the plan is this... hes here until his probation is done. His lawyer is going to try to get him early termination since he has done everything that he was supposed to do. Once he no longer has that hefty fine to pay each month, his unemployment should be enough to get him a room somewhere, or a small efficiency/1 bedroom apartment.

At that point, I cannot do what I did last time. I have to immediately file for divorce, get sole custody of M, and move the fuck on. And you know what??

Once he is in his own place? I can feel good about what I did. I can say, without a doubt, that I did all that I could. What he does from that point on is just not my problem. I WILL change my number, put in for child support... and try to find myself again...


because right now, I am very, very lost. And I want me back. I really do.