An update!

I came here in search of an old post about my kidlet. I found it. But I also got roped into reading my archives. Wow. Hard to believe that that was my life. Dreadful. A nightmare, for sure. I figured I would give an update, not that anyone reads here any more... but just in case. ;) I am proud to say that I stuck by my husband. I stayed true to our vows. For better or worse, in sickness and in health.. I stayed true to HIM.. because I loved him and I believed in him (although that wavered greatly, as you can see from reading past posts). Just about everyone encouraged me to walk away. I had to do 'what was best' for our daughter. Well, in my heart, I felt that what was best was for her to have her mommy and daddy, together, and to have her daddy healthy again. It was a long road. A very long road. M was very small and while I am sure she remembers things, she was very sheltered from a LOT of what was going on. It is not like he was sitting there doing drugs with her on his lap. She never witnessed him doing ANYTHING. She never witnessed our big fights. Lots of arguing, yes. As much as I tried to avoid that, it happened. What my daughter has now is her mom and her dad.. together and happy. She has no 'issues', other than being spoiled and hating to be told "NO", but we are working that out! The spoiling comes from being our only child, not so much because of anything else. She has a solid, united family, with rules and traditions, and lots and lots of laughter and love. T is an addict and he always will be an addict. It is a fact in our lives that we cannot change. We keep the lines of communication open as best as we can. Sometimes it takes prodding, but we talk. He is in a TON of pain as his problems gets worse and worse with time. We have started to work on some stretching exercises, working our way to doing some yoga in the future, but it is a very slow process. We lost everything and moved to another state. First to one town, then to another. Our saving grace and our angel, my mother, purchased a house so we had somewhere to live that was decent. A short time later, T was awarded disability and we have paid the mortgage on it ever since. We have a savings account again. We have a nice vehicle again. We have the time to take M and DO things WITH her. We are involved in her education. We have some great neighbors/friends. We found a WONDERFUL church and are active in it. I am a Daisy Scout leader. We got a riding mower so T can do the yard. He helps out when and where he can, but most days it is hard for him to make it out of bed and to the living room. All in all, the best part of it all is this; We are happy. We are happy. Once again. We talk. We laugh. We share. We parent. We care. We have date nights! Our... uh... intimate moments... are back and are wonderful. lol. (There were a few years where that no longer existed. argh.) The pain of what was lost lingers from time to time. Looking at old pictures is sometimes hard. But whenever the sadness creeps in, we remind ourselves how far WE have come. We remind ourselves to just take it one day at a time. We remind ourselves how important it is to NOT repeat the mistakes. We wake each day with grateful thoughts and gratitude-filled hearts. Those that helped us along the way are appreciated more than they know. We can never repay my mom for all that she has done for our family. As it stands right now, she is selling her place in FL and moving up here with us. She is getting older and does not like being alone. She misses us when she goes home and we miss her. It will be nice to have her here for good. I want to be able to take care of HER for once. :) And that.. is that. A love story turned to horror, with a happy ending. ;) I still love him very, VERY much. It is nice to have my T back. We have made a nice life here. I can only hope and pray that it continues on this way... Thanks for reading.

Huh

Wow. I had forgotten all about this place. I got a statcounter e-mail (first one in FOREVER) that let me know someone from Fairhaven, as well as Tampa, and Michigan have been here recently. Huh. Well. Hi. *waves* Life is good. Certainly a LOT better than it was the last time I posted here!!

bubeye

Done here. May pop up elsewhere at some point. Will need a fresh start somewhere else, some day.

Thanks for following along. You can always find me on Facebook for now.

Brain Dump

I wish that I did not love him so much. *sigh*

My brother has a warrant here in this county from 2008.

M's ear draining (she has swimmer's ear) is GROSS. I used to get that a lot as a kid. I had forgotten about the ooze. Yuk.

Her teacher told me yesterday that she is "blossoming in every area! She is amazing!" Then she went on to tell me that M is a joy and she has enjoyed watching her open up. *beams*

I am afraid of the future. I do not know if I am doing the right thing on any front. I have never been one to be so afraid ... ugh.

I am trying to just.. have faith. Believe.. believe that it will all be ok. I keep telling myself to 'just believe' ...

I am hooked on 'The Event' and had NO idea that was Jason Ritter. He is nice to look at. LOL.

My kid says the cutest things. Today she told me that she was ready for the 'confection' in her ear to go away. The other day she was coaxing her toy kitty to 'come to Uncle Maya' .. LOL. I was after her to pick up her toys the other day and she responded by putting her hand on her hip, cocking her head while throwing me a glance and saying "Fiiiiine!" Oy.


And that is it. I guess. I had more, but I have been interrupted so many times while trying to post this!

Jim

Jim has been around for a long time. I mean, you know, on the internet. ;o)
I have switched blogs and platforms so much over the years, that I lose links. I have a copy of my very first blog though, with the link list intact. And every so often I venture in there and have a look-see. Most of the blogs are long gone. Not Jim, though.

The funny things is that I had been thinking about him recently. He had a Nan and Pop, just like me. And when his Nan passed, he moved into her home, and made it his family's new abode. He did tons of remodeling. I remember him posting pictures. It turned out absolutely magical and I was SO happy for him.

I, hopefully, am about to do the same thing. There will be no wild upgrades or remodels or anything like that. I am just going to move my stuff in, and make it mine. You know, if all goes well. It is all still up in the air and I probably should not even be mentioning it, but I am busting at the seams over here. I already know where I am putting things. I am hopeful, and excited, and scared that it won't happen. So I am just pushing the negative aside, and staying positive that that is where I belong, and so it shall be.

*breathes deep*

Venting

People irritate me.

This morning when I logged in to Facebook, there was a story from a local news station about a Deputy who was killed in an early morning accident. The story was an update from the original reporting of the story, and it simply stated that the officer was dead following the accident downtown.

No other details are given.

And the people commenting are going off because they used the word dead.

Now, I know a few people that simply to not like the word, for whatever reason. But I am of the thought that well, it is just a word. Dead is dead. We all die. It is one thing to not like the word, but to go ON and ON about how they should have worded it differently, perhaps to say that the officer passed away, would have been nicer.

Really? Guess what? If someone passes away, they are still dead! Changing the word does not change the fact!

Meh. I am just being pissy I guess. *sigh*

Hmmm

So I was thinking that I would just blog over at the old Mother Hen site for things related to M and parenting and all that. Oooh. A mommyblog! Aren't you all just THRILLED? Hah!

I do know that some of you like to know what is going on in that realm, and I like to blog about her, so why not? I am thinking though, that I may password it, so that I can freely post pictures and stuff.

I just do not know yet. I AM blogging elsewhere. It is a place to dump my heart and soul in regards to T and what has happened. I am not putting it out there, as I have clearly done enough of THAT. I just needed a private place to blather on. No one has the URL and I think I am gonna keep it that way.

I am also blogging over at Tikigirl but a lot of that is paid posting. I try my best to keep it real but sometimes I have to stretch LOL.

What else? Hmm. Oh yah. This morning, I promised the pea that she could have a donut this afternoon if she went to school with no screaming (because she started in first thing this morning!)and no drama. Bad mama, I know. But she does not get that sort of thing often at all. We eat pretty healthy over here. So, it was a treat. She was a doll this morning and her teachers said she had another GREAT day! YAY! So, we went to D and D and she got a chocolate milk and a strawberry frosted donut with sprinkles.

And I managed to lose my Paypal debit card while there. I called the store but no one turned it in. I am pretty sure I lost it in the parking lot. I had stuffed it in my pocket and my pockets are shallow. Pea sat in the front seat with me while she ate. When I got out to buckle her into her seat, I am sure it fell out into the parking lot. Ah well.

So I transferred the money to my bank account, cancelled the card, and requested a new one.

No studying til tonight after the pea is in bed...as my mom is at work today. Anxious to get it all done so I can get a J O B.

Had to go to Tampa today to bring T his checks. The palm trees in my old backyard are so dead, one of them fell over. Ugh. Makes me so very sad. But, I cannot dwell on what was lost. I allow myself to cry when I need to, but all of that shit is no longer my focus.

M and our future IS what my focus is and will continue to be.

I am DYING to get back to the gym. The next time I take a body pump class, it is going to KILL me since I have not been in like a month. Major suckage right there.
I was going to get back into it this week, but feel like death due to a wonderful sinus infection. ugh.

Aaannnd that is all me thinks. Off to watch my guilty pleasure (Days of Our Lives. SHUSH.) and then I am off to Walgreens for more Nyquil, Vicks and tissues!!

Til next time........

Changes

Gonna have to ditch this place soon, as I am not going to be jenhen for much longer. Have an appointment with a divorce attorney this week. I really just want to get it all over with so I can move the hell on.

I cannot spend too much time blogging, facebooking or tweeting. I cannot spend a whole lot of time doing much of anything, as I MUST complete school and get a job. No more dragging my feet. No more sitting around, depressed and mopey. I do not have time for that anymore. NO more excuses.

I opened photoshop this morning and made a wee collage that included a photo of M, a photo of an Xterra similar to the one that I used to have, a pic of a cute little house with a fenced yard, and a kitty. THAT is my inspiration. I want nothing more than to finish school, get a job, get my damned truck, get a place to live with a yard so my kid can go outside to play (we can't do that here. she is not supposed to be here. No one under 18. Luckily mom has tolerant and kind neighbors..for now anyway.)and a kitty.

And a fish tank. LOL.

Anyway, it now resides on my desktop, where it will stay until I get each of those things checked off of my to do list!

Sometimes I need that motivation. Sometimes, I NEED that kick in the ass so I can get over my self and my self pity and get a move on.

I procrastinate. A lot. It is the one thing that I wish to change about myself above all else. I would have a lot less problems in life if I just stopped with the procrastination already.

And with that, its back to studying.

:)

Ugh.

Well, that did not take long huh?

My head is SPINNING and I just need to vent.

I made T leave today.

For real this time. I know I know, I can see you rolling your eyes. Quit it. I am serious.

For the last 2 weeks or so, he has been whacked out of his mind, and I could not figure out how he was doing it. All of his meds are accounted for. He is taking them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME most of the time... so WTF??

Today, I caught him snorting a pill, and he told me it was one of his morphine pills. It did not dawn on me until AFTER I asked him to leave, but that was NOT a morphine pill. His pills are blue. This was a white pill.

Anyway, I have just simply had ENOUGH. I cannot take another day living like this.

---------------

Last night, I sat here for almost FOUR hours. I cried the entire time,and went through an ENTIRE box of tissue, while going through all of the photos of our time together that I have on this computer. It was torture. I am not sure why we as humans do shit like that. But whatever. I did just that. I came across three photos that just left me speechless.

These photos show a beautiful, happy, smiling T. I see the man that I fell so deeply in love with, the man that I had hoped to grow old with. They cut me to my core and left me gasping for breath. The crying was unstoppable.

People see him now in a bad way. They think he is an asshole, or a jerk. He is none of those things. He is simply an addict, an addict with real pain issues, who is faced with a very difficult choice several times a day. Each day when it is time to take his pain meds, he has to fight to do the right thing. Now, before anyone jumps on me for 'making excuses' for him, it is what it is. That is just how it goes for addicts. Not an excuse, but FACT.

I apologize for rambling and being all over the place. I knew this day would come. I have known that for awhile now. It is still hard because I love him. Well, I love WHO he once was. He is not that man anymore. There are still bits of the man I love in there, but mostly he is gone.

I gave him a choice today. Leave and know that you are NOT coming back. EVER. Or stay, and tomorrow I take you for help.

He kissed me on the forehead, told me that he loved me, hugged M tight, and walked out the door.

THAT. Right there...was IT.

Then. AFTER he left, I thought of something.

Recenly, my mom had been put on Methadone for her pain. She had a very negative reaction to it. She told me that she was going to take it in to the docs for disposal. I called her this evening (she is away on vacation) and when I asked her if the pills were white, she said yes. I asked her where she put them. She told me and I went to look.

They are gone.

NOW I know why hes been so whacked out, and how hes been able to do it without going through a bunch of his pain meds.

And THAT made me steaming MAD. I have been lied to, right to my face, for the LAST time.

He left on his bicycle, with his meds, and a change of clothes. I told him that I would keep all his stuff til he had a place to take it all. That day, I am pretty sure, will never come. As soon as he left, I checked his calls on the tmobile website..and I checked his contacts. Sure enough, hes already been in touch with a cr@ck dealer!

So I messaged him to tell him that the phone would be shut off tomorrow by noon, and that he needed to get himself a phone with minutes PRONTO. I think he has his phone off so not sure if he got the message or not. But tomorrow by noon, it WILL be off.

And I am changing my number from the get go. I am not playing all of those games like the last time. Screw that noise. He also needs to get a PO box because I do not want to be responsible for his mail and his meds coming here ...

I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I really though that after M went to bed, I would be a MESS. I am not. I am sad. I am angry. I am empty. I am afraid of what is to come... his drama and all that. Afraid that hes going to kill himself. But all of this is HIS doing. I did ALL THAT I COULD to help him.

I have known that you cannot fix broken people. And yet, I STILL always try.

WHAT is wrong with me?

Oh, And I hope to file for divorce within a month. Just need the $500 to get it started on my own so I don't have to pay a lawyer $3k.

Ok. That is better. I am going to go watch Army Wives now...

Stick a fork in me..

I am all done here. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Play nice.. take care.

Dad

My cousin posted a pic on Facebook tonight, a pic of my Dad, and his mom and sister, and what I believe is his half-brother.

It really got me.

My Dad would have loved seeing such an old pic, especially since my Nan and my Aunt have recently passed. It would have brought a smile to his face and tears to his eyes, as it did for me.

I miss my Dad in ways that I still cannot put into words. And all that I can hope for is that he has all of the answers to all of his questions now. Of course, that also means that he now knows things about me that he never knew. My deepest, darkest secret, if you will.

That bothers me. I have dreams of dying, and he is there, waiting for me as I cross over to whatever is next. The agony of not knowing what his reaction will be causes an upwelling of dread the likes of which I have never known.

On one hand, I know that my Dad loved me unconditionally. I also know that my secret would have gutted him to his core. So I can honestly say that I have NO idea what his reaction would be.

And my dreams yield no insight, because I always wake up before I reach him.

Ugh.

Why?

You are obviously mad at me. Why do you come here every day? I am just curious...
Not that I expect an answer, but I am still curious.

Here we gooo!

I am so not ready for M to be four. LOL.
*sigh*

So, the party is set. Email invites were sent. All replied but one, and I even got a pleasant surprise in the way of a friend willing to bring her granddaughter, who is just a few months younger than M. I think it will be a good time. I love seeing M happy and she just loves the place, even if I do not LOL.

T's bankruptcy went through yesterday. He also got all of the paperwork for the new job. Of course, they do a background check. His latest fall from grace left him with a misdemeanor (simple battery), and we are hoping that the company can over look it. He had to give a reason for it on the app. He was honest, as much as he could be.

He goes today to drop off the pre-employment paperwork, and to take the drug test.

Hopefully he can start within the next two weeks or so. It is going to be nutty for me until we get a car. I have to take T to work, across town, for 8, and somehow be back here to get M to school for 9. I am thinking he is going to have to go into work earlier during the week. On Fridays, hes going to have to go in later, as I will have to take Mom to work at 8, M to school for 9, THEN take T to work.

I am NOT going to complain ONE bit though, because IF he gets this job..I will be SO grateful.


SO. GRATEFUL.

greatful? grateful? Why do both of those words look wrong to me? I hate when that happens. LOL.


Anyway, moving on.. Next week is M's pre-k open house. I am so excited for her. She is so excited! When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she gave me quite the rundown, but the very first thing she asked for was "nice, new clothes for school!"

I cannot get over how..dainty she is. Me..have a dainty child? Hahaha! I was not even dainty in utero... she is just so wee and cute. My little peanut. I am excited for her new adventure! :)

Aannd I am off..gotta run back over to Tampa. Just call me Taxi Jen. :P

Huzzah!

So. Despite all that has gone on. And despite the fact that a lot of you think I am crazy for trying again, I am. Deal, mmkay? Good. Thanks. LOL.

I really did not mean that to sound as flippant as it does. I am just tired of it all. I am following my heart. I am smart enough to know that it could happen again. IF it does, at that time, I will do what is necessary. And that would be to bail. Completely. Divorce, restraining order so he cannot contact me, etc...

He is an addict. He IS working hard to overcome everything, and we are working together to move past what has happened. Can we do it? I do not know. Honestly. I really do not know. But we are going to try.

T interviewed for a job last week. We got the call today. He got the job. It is in Tampa, which REALLY sucks. He does not drive any more, which means I shall become a taxi LOL. NOT looking forward to that. But what I am looking forward to, is having our own place again, with a backyard for M. And having a kitty. I miss my cats SO much. And I cannot WAIT to have a vehicle again....

We do not know the details yet, they will be in touch tomorrow. All we know is that he got the job.

Amen to THAT!

Four

M asked me to look at old pictures the other day. Odd request from an almost 4 year old. So, I opened up the laptop and we started looking at pictures. I thought seeing our old life would bother me, but it didn't. We really had a nice life, and we will, once again, with or without T. I am working very hard for that.

We came across some photos from when we went to Shane and Shaun's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's last year. So guess where she wants her party this year?

So, I am guessing we will have it on Sunday, August 15th. The only people that will be there are us. I will let her other grandparents know. They are ALWAYS busy, so who knows. I hope at least Janet will come for an hour or so. I will invite Shane and Shaun and Heather, and hope that they will come because I do not know anyone else with kids. How sad is that?

That is why I am so excited for her to start school. She LOVES being around other kids. I cannot wait for her to have little friends she can play with and stuff.

I wish that I had more family in the area. *sigh*

So, Chuck E. Cheese it is. It should be fun. She LOVES the place. We went there for my niece's birthday recently, and she has talked about it ever since.

I cannot believe that my baby is going to be 4...

Survivor

As you MUST know by now, I am a HUGE Survivor junkie. I just read that after 10 years on Thursday nights, it is switching to Wednesday nights. Do you have ANY idea how that is going to COMPLETELY screw me UP?? LMAO!

THURSDAY is Survivor night man! Now I gotta try and get my brain to make it WEDNESDAY nights.

Meh.

Aahhh if only ALL my problems were so... ridiculous.

TOM

TOM is getting worse. It has always been bad for me. But these last two months have knocked me on my butt. I literally cannot leave the house for about 3 days. It used to just be a day like that, now it is three. Pfft. I have no insurance and no way of paying to go see my gyno. I am just hoping that nothing is seriously wrong. Ugh.

I am also having a ton of trouble sleeping. I am tired, I just cannot shut off my brain. There is just SO much going on in my life right now...UGH. I am really at a turning point, or a fork in the road I guess...major decisions need to be made and I am STILL not sure which way I am going.

My bestie told me the other day to just follow my heart. Do not listen to what anyone has to say about it, just follow my heart. Trouble with that? I am not sure what my heart feels. One day I am happy, the next, not so much.

In truth, I am a mess.

Gotta go study... see yah around.

I am 37, when does it END already?!

I was looking in the mirror, trying to figure out why in the HELL my face is breaking out like I am 13 years old...

TOM. Bitch will be here next week, and he sends his mail ahead of time. Jerk.

LOL

Taylor Lautner

I.Don't.Get.It.

At all.

Watching him on Letterman, and even if I remove the fact that he is ONLY 18? Still..Ew.

I just do not get it. He is not even remotely attractive to me.

Pron star

So. I went to high school with a dude who ended up in pron. And for those of you less internet savvy... yes, that is misspelled intentionally. LOL.

He dated a good friend of mine for awhile. And years later, another friend of mine (Stace) sent me a movie she copied off of one of the naughty channels...swearing to GOD that the dude in the movie was CG, the guy we went to school with. I watched it and was like NO WAY... yet, yes way. It was.... odd. LOL.

Recently, he added me on Facebook. Imagine my surprise. LOL. Tonight we were chatting. It was odd. He made the following comment and I could not suppress my laughter: "I am not shooting much these days, as the economy has really made a ding in the industry."

Do you see the humor in this?? He is not shooting much lately... oooh the irony in that statement.

I felt bad for him, for about a millisecond. I WISH I could get it as often as he has over the years. And to be paid awesomely for it? Pshaw! Bonus! You know, if I didn't have to a ho to do that. LOL.

All joshing aside... whatever. He works for his money. Even if the work IS fun.

Kinda jealous given how my life has turned out.


(and NO.. I would not want to be a pron star. No worries. Just feeling sorry for myself, as me and T's hard work got us where??? Pfft. )