Just Another Jen

bubeye

2010-10-02T20:15:00.002-04:00

Done here. May pop up elsewhere at some point. Will need a fresh start somewhere else, some day.

Thanks for following along. You can always find me on Facebook for now.

Brain Dump

2010-10-02T13:54:00.002-04:00

I wish that I did not love him so much. *sigh*

My brother has a warrant here in this county from 2008.

M's ear draining (she has swimmer's ear) is GROSS. I used to get that a lot as a kid. I had forgotten about the ooze. Yuk.

Her teacher told me yesterday that she is "blossoming in every area! She is amazing!" Then she went on to tell me that M is a joy and she has enjoyed watching her open up. *beams*

I am afraid of the future. I do not know if I am doing the right thing on any front. I have never been one to be so afraid ... ugh.

I am trying to just.. have faith. Believe.. believe that it will all be ok. I keep telling myself to 'just believe' ...

I am hooked on 'The Event' and had NO idea that was Jason Ritter. He is nice to look at. LOL.

My kid says the cutest things. Today she told me that she was ready for the 'confection' in her ear to go away. The other day she was coaxing her toy kitty to 'come to Uncle Maya' .. LOL. I was after her to pick up her toys the other day and she responded by putting her hand on her hip, cocking her head while throwing me a glance and saying "Fiiiiine!" Oy.

And that is it. I guess. I had more, but I have been interrupted so many times while trying to post this!

Jim

2010-09-28T16:03:00.003-04:00

Jim has been around for a long time. I mean, you know, on the internet. ;o)
I have switched blogs and platforms so much over the years, that I lose links. I have a copy of my very first blog though, with the link list intact. And every so often I venture in there and have a look-see. Most of the blogs are long gone. Not Jim, though.

The funny things is that I had been thinking about him recently. He had a Nan and Pop, just like me. And when his Nan passed, he moved into her home, and made it his family's new abode. He did tons of remodeling. I remember him posting pictures. It turned out absolutely magical and I was SO happy for him.

I, hopefully, am about to do the same thing. There will be no wild upgrades or remodels or anything like that. I am just going to move my stuff in, and make it mine. You know, if all goes well. It is all still up in the air and I probably should not even be mentioning it, but I am busting at the seams over here. I already know where I am putting things. I am hopeful, and excited, and scared that it won't happen. So I am just pushing the negative aside, and staying positive that that is where I belong, and so it shall be.

*breathes deep*

Venting

2010-09-21T08:15:00.002-04:00

People irritate me.

This morning when I logged in to Facebook, there was a story from a local news station about a Deputy who was killed in an early morning accident. The story was an update from the original reporting of the story, and it simply stated that the officer was dead following the accident downtown.

No other details are given.

And the people commenting are going off because they used the word dead.

Now, I know a few people that simply to not like the word, for whatever reason. But I am of the thought that well, it is just a word. Dead is dead. We all die. It is one thing to not like the word, but to go ON and ON about how they should have worded it differently, perhaps to say that the officer passed away, would have been nicer.

Really? Guess what? If someone passes away, they are still dead! Changing the word does not change the fact!

Meh. I am just being pissy I guess. *sigh*

Hmmm

2010-08-31T13:31:00.004-04:00

So I was thinking that I would just blog over at the old Mother Hen site for things related to M and parenting and all that. Oooh. A mommyblog! Aren't you all just THRILLED? Hah!

I do know that some of you like to know what is going on in that realm, and I like to blog about her, so why not? I am thinking though, that I may password it, so that I can freely post pictures and stuff.

I just do not know yet. I AM blogging elsewhere. It is a place to dump my heart and soul in regards to T and what has happened. I am not putting it out there, as I have clearly done enough of THAT. I just needed a private place to blather on. No one has the URL and I think I am gonna keep it that way.

I am also blogging over at Tikigirl but a lot of that is paid posting. I try my best to keep it real but sometimes I have to stretch LOL.

What else? Hmm. Oh yah. This morning, I promised the pea that she could have a donut this afternoon if she went to school with no screaming (because she started in first thing this morning!)and no drama. Bad mama, I know. But she does not get that sort of thing often at all. We eat pretty healthy over here. So, it was a treat. She was a doll this morning and her teachers said she had another GREAT day! YAY! So, we went to D and D and she got a chocolate milk and a strawberry frosted donut with sprinkles.

And I managed to lose my Paypal debit card while there. I called the store but no one turned it in. I am pretty sure I lost it in the parking lot. I had stuffed it in my pocket and my pockets are shallow. Pea sat in the front seat with me while she ate. When I got out to buckle her into her seat, I am sure it fell out into the parking lot. Ah well.

So I transferred the money to my bank account, cancelled the card, and requested a new one.

No studying til tonight after the pea is in bed...as my mom is at work today. Anxious to get it all done so I can get a J O B.

Had to go to Tampa today to bring T his checks. The palm trees in my old backyard are so dead, one of them fell over. Ugh. Makes me so very sad. But, I cannot dwell on what was lost. I allow myself to cry when I need to, but all of that shit is no longer my focus.

M and our future IS what my focus is and will continue to be.

I am DYING to get back to the gym. The next time I take a body pump class, it is going to KILL me since I have not been in like a month. Major suckage right there.
I was going to get back into it this week, but feel like death due to a wonderful sinus infection. ugh.

Aaannnd that is all me thinks. Off to watch my guilty pleasure (Days of Our Lives. SHUSH.) and then I am off to Walgreens for more Nyquil, Vicks and tissues!!

Til next time........

Changes

2010-08-30T10:47:00.002-04:00

Gonna have to ditch this place soon, as I am not going to be jenhen for much longer. Have an appointment with a divorce attorney this week. I really just want to get it all over with so I can move the hell on.

I cannot spend too much time blogging, facebooking or tweeting. I cannot spend a whole lot of time doing much of anything, as I MUST complete school and get a job. No more dragging my feet. No more sitting around, depressed and mopey. I do not have time for that anymore. NO more excuses.

I opened photoshop this morning and made a wee collage that included a photo of M, a photo of an Xterra similar to the one that I used to have, a pic of a cute little house with a fenced yard, and a kitty. THAT is my inspiration. I want nothing more than to finish school, get a job, get my damned truck, get a place to live with a yard so my kid can go outside to play (we can't do that here. she is not supposed to be here. No one under 18. Luckily mom has tolerant and kind neighbors..for now anyway.)and a kitty.

And a fish tank. LOL.

Anyway, it now resides on my desktop, where it will stay until I get each of those things checked off of my to do list!

Sometimes I need that motivation. Sometimes, I NEED that kick in the ass so I can get over my self and my self pity and get a move on.

I procrastinate. A lot. It is the one thing that I wish to change about myself above all else. I would have a lot less problems in life if I just stopped with the procrastination already.

And with that, its back to studying.

:)

Ugh.

2010-08-22T22:05:00.002-04:00

Well, that did not take long huh?

My head is SPINNING and I just need to vent.

I made T leave today.

For real this time. I know I know, I can see you rolling your eyes. Quit it. I am serious.

For the last 2 weeks or so, he has been whacked out of his mind, and I could not figure out how he was doing it. All of his meds are accounted for. He is taking them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME most of the time... so WTF??

Today, I caught him snorting a pill, and he told me it was one of his morphine pills. It did not dawn on me until AFTER I asked him to leave, but that was NOT a morphine pill. His pills are blue. This was a white pill.

Anyway, I have just simply had ENOUGH. I cannot take another day living like this.

---------------

Last night, I sat here for almost FOUR hours. I cried the entire time,and went through an ENTIRE box of tissue, while going through all of the photos of our time together that I have on this computer. It was torture. I am not sure why we as humans do shit like that. But whatever. I did just that. I came across three photos that just left me speechless.

These photos show a beautiful, happy, smiling T. I see the man that I fell so deeply in love with, the man that I had hoped to grow old with. They cut me to my core and left me gasping for breath. The crying was unstoppable.

People see him now in a bad way. They think he is an asshole, or a jerk. He is none of those things. He is simply an addict, an addict with real pain issues, who is faced with a very difficult choice several times a day. Each day when it is time to take his pain meds, he has to fight to do the right thing. Now, before anyone jumps on me for 'making excuses' for him, it is what it is. That is just how it goes for addicts. Not an excuse, but FACT.

I apologize for rambling and being all over the place. I knew this day would come. I have known that for awhile now. It is still hard because I love him. Well, I love WHO he once was. He is not that man anymore. There are still bits of the man I love in there, but mostly he is gone.

I gave him a choice today. Leave and know that you are NOT coming back. EVER. Or stay, and tomorrow I take you for help.

He kissed me on the forehead, told me that he loved me, hugged M tight, and walked out the door.

THAT. Right there...was IT.

Then. AFTER he left, I thought of something.

Recenly, my mom had been put on Methadone for her pain. She had a very negative reaction to it. She told me that she was going to take it in to the docs for disposal. I called her this evening (she is away on vacation) and when I asked her if the pills were white, she said yes. I asked her where she put them. She told me and I went to look.

They are gone.

NOW I know why hes been so whacked out, and how hes been able to do it without going through a bunch of his pain meds.

And THAT made me steaming MAD. I have been lied to, right to my face, for the LAST time.

He left on his bicycle, with his meds, and a change of clothes. I told him that I would keep all his stuff til he had a place to take it all. That day, I am pretty sure, will never come. As soon as he left, I checked his calls on the tmobile website..and I checked his contacts. Sure enough, hes already been in touch with a cr@ck dealer!

So I messaged him to tell him that the phone would be shut off tomorrow by noon, and that he needed to get himself a phone with minutes PRONTO. I think he has his phone off so not sure if he got the message or not. But tomorrow by noon, it WILL be off.

And I am changing my number from the get go. I am not playing all of those games like the last time. Screw that noise. He also needs to get a PO box because I do not want to be responsible for his mail and his meds coming here ...

I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I really though that after M went to bed, I would be a MESS. I am not. I am sad. I am angry. I am empty. I am afraid of what is to come... his drama and all that. Afraid that hes going to kill himself. But all of this is HIS doing. I did ALL THAT I COULD to help him.

I have known that you cannot fix broken people. And yet, I STILL always try.

WHAT is wrong with me?

Oh, And I hope to file for divorce within a month. Just need the $500 to get it started on my own so I don't have to pay a lawyer $3k.

Ok. That is better. I am going to go watch Army Wives now...

Stick a fork in me..

2010-08-05T16:35:00.001-04:00

I am all done here. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Play nice.. take care.

Dad

2010-07-31T00:22:00.002-04:00

My cousin posted a pic on Facebook tonight, a pic of my Dad, and his mom and sister, and what I believe is his half-brother.

It really got me.

My Dad would have loved seeing such an old pic, especially since my Nan and my Aunt have recently passed. It would have brought a smile to his face and tears to his eyes, as it did for me.

I miss my Dad in ways that I still cannot put into words. And all that I can hope for is that he has all of the answers to all of his questions now. Of course, that also means that he now knows things about me that he never knew. My deepest, darkest secret, if you will.

That bothers me. I have dreams of dying, and he is there, waiting for me as I cross over to whatever is next. The agony of not knowing what his reaction will be causes an upwelling of dread the likes of which I have never known.

On one hand, I know that my Dad loved me unconditionally. I also know that my secret would have gutted him to his core. So I can honestly say that I have NO idea what his reaction would be.

And my dreams yield no insight, because I always wake up before I reach him.

Ugh.

Why?

2010-07-30T23:49:00.001-04:00

You are obviously mad at me. Why do you come here every day? I am just curious...
Not that I expect an answer, but I am still curious.

Here we gooo!

2010-07-29T11:52:00.003-04:00

I am so not ready for M to be four. LOL.
*sigh*

So, the party is set. Email invites were sent. All replied but one, and I even got a pleasant surprise in the way of a friend willing to bring her granddaughter, who is just a few months younger than M. I think it will be a good time. I love seeing M happy and she just loves the place, even if I do not LOL.

T's bankruptcy went through yesterday. He also got all of the paperwork for the new job. Of course, they do a background check. His latest fall from grace left him with a misdemeanor (simple battery), and we are hoping that the company can over look it. He had to give a reason for it on the app. He was honest, as much as he could be.

He goes today to drop off the pre-employment paperwork, and to take the drug test.

Hopefully he can start within the next two weeks or so. It is going to be nutty for me until we get a car. I have to take T to work, across town, for 8, and somehow be back here to get M to school for 9. I am thinking he is going to have to go into work earlier during the week. On Fridays, hes going to have to go in later, as I will have to take Mom to work at 8, M to school for 9, THEN take T to work.

I am NOT going to complain ONE bit though, because IF he gets this job..I will be SO grateful.

SO. GRATEFUL.

greatful? grateful? Why do both of those words look wrong to me? I hate when that happens. LOL.

Anyway, moving on.. Next week is M's pre-k open house. I am so excited for her. She is so excited! When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she gave me quite the rundown, but the very first thing she asked for was "nice, new clothes for school!"

I cannot get over how..dainty she is. Me..have a dainty child? Hahaha! I was not even dainty in utero... she is just so wee and cute. My little peanut. I am excited for her new adventure! :)

Aannd I am off..gotta run back over to Tampa. Just call me Taxi Jen. :P

Huzzah!

2010-07-26T18:06:00.003-04:00

So. Despite all that has gone on. And despite the fact that a lot of you think I am crazy for trying again, I am. Deal, mmkay? Good. Thanks. LOL.

I really did not mean that to sound as flippant as it does. I am just tired of it all. I am following my heart. I am smart enough to know that it could happen again. IF it does, at that time, I will do what is necessary. And that would be to bail. Completely. Divorce, restraining order so he cannot contact me, etc...

He is an addict. He IS working hard to overcome everything, and we are working together to move past what has happened. Can we do it? I do not know. Honestly. I really do not know. But we are going to try.

T interviewed for a job last week. We got the call today. He got the job. It is in Tampa, which REALLY sucks. He does not drive any more, which means I shall become a taxi LOL. NOT looking forward to that. But what I am looking forward to, is having our own place again, with a backyard for M. And having a kitty. I miss my cats SO much. And I cannot WAIT to have a vehicle again....

We do not know the details yet, they will be in touch tomorrow. All we know is that he got the job.

Amen to THAT!

Four

2010-07-24T12:20:00.001-04:00

M asked me to look at old pictures the other day. Odd request from an almost 4 year old. So, I opened up the laptop and we started looking at pictures. I thought seeing our old life would bother me, but it didn't. We really had a nice life, and we will, once again, with or without T. I am working very hard for that.

We came across some photos from when we went to Shane and Shaun's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's last year. So guess where she wants her party this year?

So, I am guessing we will have it on Sunday, August 15th. The only people that will be there are us. I will let her other grandparents know. They are ALWAYS busy, so who knows. I hope at least Janet will come for an hour or so. I will invite Shane and Shaun and Heather, and hope that they will come because I do not know anyone else with kids. How sad is that?

That is why I am so excited for her to start school. She LOVES being around other kids. I cannot wait for her to have little friends she can play with and stuff.

I wish that I had more family in the area. *sigh*

So, Chuck E. Cheese it is. It should be fun. She LOVES the place. We went there for my niece's birthday recently, and she has talked about it ever since.

I cannot believe that my baby is going to be 4...

Survivor

2010-07-22T18:14:00.003-04:00

As you MUST know by now, I am a HUGE Survivor junkie. I just read that after 10 years on Thursday nights, it is switching to Wednesday nights. Do you have ANY idea how that is going to COMPLETELY screw me UP?? LMAO!

THURSDAY is Survivor night man! Now I gotta try and get my brain to make it WEDNESDAY nights.

Meh.

Aahhh if only ALL my problems were so... ridiculous.

TOM

2010-07-22T12:13:00.003-04:00

TOM is getting worse. It has always been bad for me. But these last two months have knocked me on my butt. I literally cannot leave the house for about 3 days. It used to just be a day like that, now it is three. Pfft. I have no insurance and no way of paying to go see my gyno. I am just hoping that nothing is seriously wrong. Ugh.

I am also having a ton of trouble sleeping. I am tired, I just cannot shut off my brain. There is just SO much going on in my life right now...UGH. I am really at a turning point, or a fork in the road I guess...major decisions need to be made and I am STILL not sure which way I am going.

My bestie told me the other day to just follow my heart. Do not listen to what anyone has to say about it, just follow my heart. Trouble with that? I am not sure what my heart feels. One day I am happy, the next, not so much.

In truth, I am a mess.

Gotta go study... see yah around.

I am 37, when does it END already?!

2010-07-17T15:00:00.001-04:00

I was looking in the mirror, trying to figure out why in the HELL my face is breaking out like I am 13 years old...

TOM. Bitch will be here next week, and he sends his mail ahead of time. Jerk.

LOL

Taylor Lautner

2010-07-02T00:46:00.001-04:00

I.Don't.Get.It.

At all.

Watching him on Letterman, and even if I remove the fact that he is ONLY 18? Still..Ew.

I just do not get it. He is not even remotely attractive to me.

Pron star

2010-06-27T23:58:00.002-04:00

So. I went to high school with a dude who ended up in pron. And for those of you less internet savvy... yes, that is misspelled intentionally. LOL.

He dated a good friend of mine for awhile. And years later, another friend of mine (Stace) sent me a movie she copied off of one of the naughty channels...swearing to GOD that the dude in the movie was CG, the guy we went to school with. I watched it and was like NO WAY... yet, yes way. It was.... odd. LOL.

Recently, he added me on Facebook. Imagine my surprise. LOL. Tonight we were chatting. It was odd. He made the following comment and I could not suppress my laughter: "I am not shooting much these days, as the economy has really made a ding in the industry."

Do you see the humor in this?? He is not shooting much lately... oooh the irony in that statement.

I felt bad for him, for about a millisecond. I WISH I could get it as often as he has over the years. And to be paid awesomely for it? Pshaw! Bonus! You know, if I didn't have to a ho to do that. LOL.

All joshing aside... whatever. He works for his money. Even if the work IS fun.

Kinda jealous given how my life has turned out.

(and NO.. I would not want to be a pron star. No worries. Just feeling sorry for myself, as me and T's hard work got us where??? Pfft. )

dammit

2010-06-21T17:01:00.003-04:00

Ok guys. I am a dolt. That link takes you to the map, and not the street view. I took a screen shot of it, but it is on my moms computer. I will post the pic later. Right now, I am headed to the pool! My nephew flew in this morning and I am anxious to see him...

Thankful for Street View on Google Maps!

2010-06-14T21:21:00.003-04:00

Whether or not T and I stay together, once I am working I will not be able to afford to live around here. I have been looking around at the Cape Coral area. You can rent a house down there for about what a 2 bedroom apartment goes for around here.

So I find this house on craigslist. Keep in mind that I am just looking around, there is no way I will be able to do anything for a long while. Anyway, so I find this... .. Go see.

So.. I am loving the house. I read in the description that there is only ONE neighbor. And I thought... Hmmmm, so I plugged the address given into Google Maps. Thank GOD for street view.

Because THIS is the one neighbor.

NOW I know why the place is empty. LOL

Angry

2010-06-04T23:03:00.003-04:00

I just watched the Dateline special about the oil spill in the Gulf. I am so fucking enraged right now, I can barely see straight. I am REALLY ANGRY.

Please tell me, someone, anyone, that the poor pelican they kept showing actually got some HELP. Please?

God. What a mess. And it could have been avoided.

That is what makes me madder than a pissed off hornet. According to the people they spoke to (and yes, I know one cannot always believe everything they hear..I am sorta trusting of the Dateline folks, forgive me...)this was TOTALLY avoidable.

I am not going to get into the details here. If you watched, you know. And you should understand why I am outraged. It is not just the pelicans and pipers and seagulls that suffer. It is not just the fisherman and the consumers who want their oysters that will suffer.

This is HUGE people. HUGE. And it goes so much deeper (no pun intended) than a lot of people realize.

I am angry. I am upset. I grew up on the coast. I live on the coast now. I LOVE watching the pipers scurry and the pelican do their graceful scoops. I love the smell of the ocean and I love floating about in her waves.

If you have never seen a pelican in action, you are missing nature at its best. It even makes me sad to know that those pesky seagulls that pluck half-sandwiches and Pringles right out of my hands, when I am not paying attention, are in trouble too. Then, there are all of those things that you DON'T see in the ocean. Things that will interrupt the food chain, that will have a long and lasting effect on our oceans.

Way to spend my birthday-eve. I am so totally depressed, and so totally disappointed yet again in humanity....

And then, something else that is bothering me and it should not because I SUCK in this capacity....but, I have not received even ONE birthday card. Happy Birthday to me....ugh.

Thanks

2010-06-02T16:41:00.004-04:00

I just wanted those of you who comment to know that I NEVER think ill of you for giving your two cents. If I did not want your input, I would not blog. So no worries, mmkay??

Good. Now.. that being said, I know I sound ridiculous in saying that he is doing everything right blah blah blah. I just cannot put him out on the street. I can't. If he was sitting here all wasted all of the time, yes, that would be easy to do. But he is not. If he was smoking the big C again, definitely. I did not put up with that in our own home, I am not about to put up with it here.

What I do know is that yes, he is an addict. He is also on heavy duty pain meds because he truly requires them. And that, is too much temptation. So how does one resolve this? I do not know. I really do not.

I also know that he cannot live without pain relief. That is not an exaggeration, or an excuse. It is fact. Even on the meds, he is in incredible pain. Bad enough that he cannot chase after the Pea, he cannot get down on the floor with her. Doing the dishes even, causes him great pain. But he does it all anyway.

He says he is not snorting his meds. I am not stupid. I believe that he is. I am not sure how many pills he does (never more than 1 a day, because hes not short any pills at the moment...)or if he does it every day. I think hes careful about leaving evidence behind.

And as I had stated before, once his fines are paid, hes got to get his own place. Because for as much as I love him, I hate him just as much. And that is a recipe for disaster.

So I would rather just start clean. And yes, I KNOW that I go back and forth on this like I am on a see-saw. That is because this IS DAMNED HARD. I believe he will forever hold my heart. I really do. I think he was 'IT' ...

I also know that in a year, 5 years, I may look back on all of this and kick myself in the ass. I just have to take it one day at a time. Everyone is so concerned about M. She is here with me and my mom, not just him. He is non-violent. We have fought in front of her ONCE. I do not leave her alone with him except for when I have to go pick up my mom.

She is a happy, well-adjusted kid if you ask me. It isn't like this is a drug house and she is sitting amongst a bunch of high people. No one can tell when T has done anything. I usually can, because his pupils get all big. But that is the only sign, scouts honor.

Anyway, whatever. I gotta go get my mom...

ugh

2010-06-02T09:58:00.001-04:00

So I have been chatting with an old friend this morning. I had wanted to show her the satellite image of my old house that was on google. Imagine my surprise when I googled the address only to find an updated image. All of the palm trees are dead, the pool is a deep green..

It made my heart SINK. It is killing me that it is just sitting there, rotting.

meh.

See?

2010-05-23T09:06:00.002-04:00

This is why I hardly blog these days. The only time I feel compelled to come here is when I am angry. Who wants to read that shit? Ugh. Well, here I am. And if I don't whine a bit, I am gonna go postal.

I will be the first to admit that I need some help. I need someone (professional) to talk to. And I cannot do that without insurance. GREAT. I am a mess. I mean, I get up in the mornings, take care of my kid, the house, etc. I try to eat good and exercise.

But I really think I am losing my mind.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, right? Well, here I am doing the same thing over and over, only I KNOW that the result is going to be the same. THAT, my friends, is STUPIDITY. And I am not sure WHY I do this. I guess because I am stupid.

I KNOW he should be out on his ass. And I cannot make him go because I would NOT want someone doing that to me. He has done everything right since getting here, with the exception of snorting his meds once again. I am livid.

However, if I toss him out on the street with nowhere to go, all the work Mom and I have put into this whole mess was for NOTHING. I am just not about to make someone homeless, whether or not HE brought this upon himself.

Let me make one thing clear here. There are NO illegal drugs in this house. That is not what is going on. He takes more of his prescribed stuff than he should, and he snorts it instead of just swallowing it.

Drugs are drugs. I know this. And according to NA, one is no better than the other. I disagree, at least right now. He is not out smoking crack and hanging with drug dealers, so..whatever.

Yeah. I am an enabler, I guess. Even though I do not agree with that either, because he would snort his meds whether he was here or under a bridge. At least here, he is safe.

The major problem with kicking him out is his probation. This is the address on file with the sheriff, so if he were to no longer have an address, a warrant goes out for his arrest.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Yet, knowing what I now know about addiction, I cannot kick him out and make him homeless now, anymore than I could if he had cancer.

Yes, I believe it is a disease. And yes, when we fight he turns into a major asshole. But you know what? SO DO I. I say mean and hurtful things, things that I know are gonna sting. I hate that about me.

So, the plan is this... hes here until his probation is done. His lawyer is going to try to get him early termination since he has done everything that he was supposed to do. Once he no longer has that hefty fine to pay each month, his unemployment should be enough to get him a room somewhere, or a small efficiency/1 bedroom apartment.

At that point, I cannot do what I did last time. I have to immediately file for divorce, get sole custody of M, and move the fuck on. And you know what??

Once he is in his own place? I can feel good about what I did. I can say, without a doubt, that I did all that I could. What he does from that point on is just not my problem. I WILL change my number, put in for child support... and try to find myself again...

because right now, I am very, very lost. And I want me back. I really do.

Trenton, NJ

2010-05-17T00:21:00.002-04:00

D, is that you?

I was just sitting here, wallowing in self-pity, feeling like I am just spinning in cirlces..

I want some old time JM to listen to man.

Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I am a die hard John Mellencamp fan. Hell... I BLEED Mellencamp. And the one thing that I love most about his music is that..it is timeless to me. To this day, I can listen to something he did 15 years ago, and it is as relevant to me now as it was back then.

And as I sit here RIGHT now reflecting on my current situation, I yearn for some old time John Cougar. My CDs are tucked away in my storage unit. I know exactly where they are and tomorrow I am going to dig them out.

I WANT I WANT. I NEED I NEED...

Funny how things change, but still stay the same when they are tried and true. I would DIE inside without JM. *sigh*

Teh_funneh

2010-05-07T23:22:00.002-04:00

We watched Kitchen Nightmares tonight. We both love Chef Ramsay and just about any show he does. Tonight's episode was for a place in Miami. The name of the restaurant was Fleming. T remembered the place almost immediately. It is literally about 4 minutes away from the house he grew up in as a kid.

So we decided that if we make it through this mess (which is highly unlikely at this point, but whatever) that we would go there. The new menu that Chef Ramsay implemented sounded divine!

I just went and googled them, to take a gander at the menu. I don't think we could afford to eat there!! LMAO! They charge $24 for beef stroganoff! When I mentioned that to T, he says "How long does it take to stroke off the cow???" *eyeroll*

I replied with "They bring the cow into the dining room and make you do it yourself, or else they would charge $48!!"

THEN he says "I wonder if that $24 is for a 6 inch or a 12 inch stroganoff..."

I nearly peed. I laughed SO hard.. I think it took T by surprise..because is eyes popped out of his head cartoon-style. It was hilarious. He gave off his usual spontaneous, gruff laugh that he does when he finds something truly funny...

And that is when I got very sad.

I hear people all around me talking about how people these days don't take marriage seriously, that they give up when the going gets tough, that no one takes that 'in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer' thing seriously.

And here I am, trying with all of my might to do just that, and people condemn me for it.

I KNOW I am fighting a losing battle here. I just do not know how to shut the door and move on, no matter how much people tell me that is what I need to do.

I LOVE THIS MAN. He has issues. He is an addict. He is STILL A PERSON with feelings and thoughts and desires. He is not just an asshole, as most people view him. His addiction over takes him. I am not sure how to handle this.

People say that I am just making excuses for him, that he is just a loser. I do not see it that way, but whatever.

I know that in due time, I will have to say goodbye. Plans are set and already in motion for that to be.

And that KILLS a huge part of me.

I know that I cannot have this around, for M's sake, never mind my own.
I just wish that there was something that could be done. Unfortunately, with his back issues and his pain issues, he NEEDS to have pain relief. Being an addict, he is not able to NOT abuse them. So, I do not know what the answer is there..

Anyway. I love him. I really do. And he has not just come here, and been a schlep. He does a LOT around here. M adores the hell out of him.

I really screwed up by even letting him back into our lives and I feel like a colossal failure for doing so.

oops

2010-04-30T08:53:00.002-04:00

Sorry about that. Totally forgot that I had even posted this. LOL.
So, I left off with feeling hatred for the person that I had considered to be one of my very best friends. That was such a crappy time in my life. I really found out who my real friends were. So this 'friend' later told me that she did it because she saw it as an 'in' with some of older girls, so she went for it. Nice thing to do to a friend huh?

It took a few months, but I eventually forgave her. However, you all know that I never forget. LOL.

Years later, when I got married, she became scarce. I hardly ever saw her in those 3 years unless I went to her house. When I decided to move to FL, she took it all personal and got mad at me. Yes, you read that right. She wrote me a long letter and asked me not to read it until I got to FL. When I finally read it, it really made me so mad. She stated that she felt like I only viewed her as a 'high school' friend and not a 'forever friend' and that made her heart sad. Pfft. I wrote her back telling her that after what she did to me in high school, I could not ever trust her again. And while I felt that we would always be friends, it was not the same as it had once been.

I never sent her the letter I wrote. You have to be very careful with what you say to her, and how you say it. I didn't need or want the drama, so I let it go.

From 1999 to 2005, I heard from her twice. Once when her father died, and once when my dad died. After that, I called a few times, attempting to be better about keeping in touch. Those phone calls consisted of her bitching about her life and how awful it was. At that time, my life was at its best. As a result, I never had much to say because she would have taken that as me 'rubbing it in'.

Our last communication consisted of me listening to her, at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning, getting high on cocaine and slugging back some Vodka. Oy. That moment, was defining. I realized that her and I had stopped having things in common YEARS before and that it was probably time to let go.

I did not call her again. That December I found that I was pregnant. I had sent her and her family a Christmas card, and I jotted a note in it about being pregnant. It was sort of a last ditch effort at the friendship I guess.

She never responded.

Awhile after that, a mutual friend had visited with her and when my name was mentioned, she rolled her eyes. THAT pissed me off. If ANYONE should be doing any eye rolling, it is me.

Her daughter is going on 17 years of age. And I just heard that A is 6 months pregnant...

I nearly fell over at that tidbit of info. I am not sure why I care. I see her kids myspace page, and that girl is drama, just like her mama. At least she has had the same boyfriend for awhile now. By that age, I had lost count of how many guys A had been with.

I don't know why I felt the need to purge all of that, just to tell you that A is pregnant. I am weird, what can I say??

Em, you know who I am talkin about right?

Pfffft.

2010-04-27T00:40:00.003-04:00

Ok ok ok. Jeebus. All 7 of you have convinced me not to give it up totally. I just want to make one thing clear. ....

I am going through an extremely shitty and confusing and (pardon me) fucked up time in my life. And I feel like if I keep coming here bitching about the same old shit, you are all gonna start rolling your eyes at me and shit. I do not know what to do just yet.

And I am in a wee bit of turmoil over it. See..there are some things that have happened. And I KNOW in my head and in my heart, that in the end, the pea and I will be venturing out on our own. I look forward to this. I will NOT make enough money right out of the gate to live on my own. So I will need a room mate. A very decent and good friend of mine has said that if she is available when I am ready, she will be our roomy.

I cannot tell you what kind of peace of mind this has given me. Even if it does not pan out...the fact that she is willing, is HUGE to me. Thanks Lin.

So, I do not want to keep beating a dead horse over here so I will move along to something else.

This will mean nothing to most of you..but EM, pay attention. ( A clue for you, A lived a few houses away from frak...)

Back when I first moved from Cape Cod to Dartmouth, I made friends with a girl. We shall call her A. I was instantly drawn to her. We had TONS in common. The trouble with being a pre-teen outsider was that A, being a resident of Dartmouth for her entire life, had a subset of lifelong friends already in place. For years I felt like I had to compete with these other two gals, H and D. H and D were always good to me. They were never actually the problem. A was the problem. Hell, maybe it was ME that was the problem in that regard. I dunno.

What I DO know, is that I would have gone to the ends of the earth for A. Our freshman year of high school, a bunch of us had gone to the mall. We were at a local pizza place, all seated and eating our lunch. We had been in school about 3 days.

I noticed that the table behind us contained what I believed to be fellow students and I pointed this out to the other girls, wondering if any of them knew who these girls were. No one really seemed to recognize any of them, so we went on about eating our lunch and talking about the upcoming school year.

This one particular gal at that other table kept giving me the evil eye. It was not just paranoia on my part... every time I looked up, this gal was staring me down. I became a bit unnerved as I was about 5 feet tall at the time and this gal was easily pushing 5' 10" or so. And she looked PISSED off....

Finally, A asked me what was wrong. I said, and these were my EXACT words "That gal over there... with the crazy long hair, she keeps staring me down. What the hell did I do..lookit her, she looks like she wants to eat me..."

Everyone sorta laughed. I did not.

The next Monday at school, I was walking to my locker and some girl comes up to me and says "Nia is going to beat your ass..." And I said "Who is Nia?"

And she says " The girl you were talking shit about at the mall the other day...."
It really took me a minute or two to get who and what she was talking about.

I said "I did not talk any shit about her. I thought that I had seen her before so I asked my friends if she was a classmate of ours or not... Then I noticed that she was staring me down like I was prey?" And the girl says " You ARE prey. A told her everything you said..."

Now.. At this point, I had thought that A was one of my very best friends. I was crushed. I could say NOTHING more in that moment, because I had just been betrayed by someone that I had trusted with ALL OF MY SOUL.

The next few days are a blur. I remember being pushed around and threatened by Nia and her crew. And then one day while out delivering papers on my route, A pulled up in a car with some people, and started shouting at me like she was Nia, yelling at me that she was going to beat my ass.

She laughed at me when I turned around. She really thought that what she was doing was funny.

I remember silently crying the rest of my route, and all the way home.

And that is the first time I can honestly say that I had felt hatred in my heart.

Part two of this story to come tomorrow. I am tired...

Maybe another time?

2010-04-24T12:47:00.001-04:00

Meh. Got nothin' to say as of late. I don't think anyone comes here but H, Stace and Em anyway, and I talk to you guys alla time anyway.

Later peeps.

Irritated

2010-04-17T13:25:00.003-04:00

A year and a half ago when we realized that we were sinking faster than the Titanic (financially speaking), we called our mortgage company. We had just seen a rep from the company on the nightly news talking about how homeowners need to get in touch with them BEFORE they quit making payments. They had all kinds of things they could do to help people. So we called. We were told that we had to write a 'hardship' letter, and we had to provide all kinds of financial information. We sent along what they requested, and never heard anything from them. So we called again. And we were told that they did not receive anything from us. Fine. We sent it all off again, this time they had to sign for it. We never heard anything from them. When we called this time, they said that there was nothing that they could do for us at that time. They had such a backlog of foreclosures, and they would not be initiating any foreclosures at this time. It was safe for us to stop paying the mortgage, and when they got caught up, they would then try to work something out with us.

Yes, I am serious. This is what they told us. So we quit paying the mortgage. Of course, most of you know what happened then. T relapsed. I moved out. And the house has been sitting vacant, going to hell since August-ish.

They served us with the paperwork the other day. They are finally foreclosing. This whole thing has been very hard, but at this point I am just relieved. I hate to know how it is sitting there going to shit. I would much rather that someone scoop it up and make it their home. *sigh*

So, the reason for my irritability? The mortgage company has sent no less than THREE letters by UPS in the last 4 days telling us how eager they are to help us keep our home.

Fuck off.

Really? Ugh. Where the hell were you a year and a half ago??

We couldn't keep it now anyway, since T is not working and most likely will not be doing so ever again. And the whole drug scene that went on there? I cannot even go there to root through our stuff that was left behind, let alone live in it again. And there is the whole dead drug dealer issue too. I could never live there knowing what went on in there.

we would have lost that house one way or the other. Even if T had not relapsed on the cocaine, he was still abusing his pain meds... and he still would have lost his job. So in the end it would still be this way. So I guess none of it matters. I am still just irritated and pissy about the whole thing though. Meh. I feel a nap coming on...

LOLCAT indeed.

2010-04-06T14:31:00.001-04:00

I nearly peed when I saw this. HAHAHA!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T17:58:00.004-04:00

Blah.

TOM decided to visit me today, a week late, on Easter. Jerk. I hate TOM. So today has been a very blah day.

I really want M to know what this day is really for, but upon trying to talk about it, she gets too confused. I have no idea how to go about talking to her about Jesus, considering that I am not sure what I believe myself. *sigh*

We got up this morning to her delight over her SMALL Easter basket. I am not about to make every stinking holiday about candy, so she got very little. She did get a kite and she is super excited about that. She got some new crayons and coloring books as well, and some flash cards.

The Easter Bunny had eaten his plate of carrots that she left out for him and this just thrilled her to bits! He also hid all of the eggs that we had colored the night before. She LOVED looking for them.

Right now, she is cleaning up with her Daddy. She had this place a mess!

It has been a nice, lazy day. I feel awful for wasting it inside but I was just not up to going out. I feel awful. Guh. And tomorrow will be more of the same.

I have to be up early tomorrow for 2 reasons. One, Space Shuttle Discovery is going up at 6:21 a.m. and I wanna see it. And second, I have to take T to his community service.

I have totally slacked in going to the gym this week and I feel like a loser for doing so. I need to make exercise EVERY DAY a part of my life. Unfortunately, when TOM is here, for about 2 days, that is just not an option. *sigh*

There is no excuse for all of the other days though. I am just a lazy slug and I have NO idea what my effing problem is. I am so disgusted with myself. SO disgusted.
blah.

Road Rage Lite

2010-03-29T12:45:00.003-04:00

I do not even know what to say. I am pretty steamed right now. In one 5 minute ride to go pick up my mom, I almost got sideswiped by someone who thought it wise to change lanes on a whim and without looking. I almost got rear-ended at the red light because the guy tailgating me assumed that I was going to run the red light. He cursed at me and flipped me the bird. I then almost hit the guy who shot across FOUR lanes of traffic, into my lane with little to no warning, and then proceeded to go 25 mph under the speed limit. Awesome.

I do not chase people down. I rarely flip the bird. I never yell at anyone. But god dammit if I am not completely steamed right now. I follow the rules of the road. I do the speed limit. I cannot afford any tickets, nor can I afford an accident. I have NO health insurance any more. And I am tired of all of these thoughtless jackholes who put my life safety in jeopardy each time I go out.

A few years ago, I read a comment that someone had made on their blog in regards to people like me getting angry at others while on the road. He said "Maybe that person had a good reason for what they did." Really? I can find no good reason to change lanes without looking first. I can find no good reason for the people who decide at the last minute to make a turn, jack on the brakes, no blinker, and then get mad when someone almost hits them.

No one has any common sense any more and no one has any common courtesy either. Pffft.

I am off to the gym to run off some of the anger.

Grrrr.

This is just GROSS

2010-03-19T12:25:00.002-04:00

Many years ago, I stored my friend Frank's dresser and some other things in my garage. When he moved to a bigger place, he came to get his stuff. Upon moving the dresser out of my garage, I had opened the top drawer to get a better grip while moving it out to the truck. I looked down, and there was a breakfast burrito from McDonalds. We had a good laugh over it. It was...petrified. It had completely solidified. It did not degrade at all. It was SO hard, that when we threw it against my concrete driveway, it did not break, not even a little bit.

I never ate one of those things ever again. I HAVE eaten Mickey Ds again though, against my better judgment.

We all know that fast food is bad. We all know that processed food in general is bad.
But this? Oy. Disgusting. No more of that crap is going to ever enter my body, or the body of my kid (as long as I have control over that anyway, in regards to M)... I do not know why I never remembered the burrito, but this certainly reminded me!

yuck.

Reflectiveness.

2010-03-17T15:09:00.004-04:00

Ok, so a quick recap..

When I was 4 months pregnant, T lost his mind. I do not know how else to put it. He went bonkers. He started spending recklessly, not eating, not sleeping, and starting on projects big and small, yet never finishing ANY of them. He had a HUGELY inflated sense of self (again, NOT like him) and felt like he was untouchable.
It was so far removed from the T that I knew. An old Doc of ours had warned T, he said he thought T was borderline bipolar.

A short time later, T was actually diagnosed with bipolar, and put on a cocktail of meds. At the end of it all, he had to choke down over 17 pills, twice (and sometimes 3x) a day. I could not keep up with all that he was on. He was on his pain meds, meds for his migraines, antidepressants, anticonvulsants, anxiety meds and meds for the bipolar. It was insane. I have read many times over of people DYING after taking a combo of these very same drugs (like oxycontin, xanax,and percocet)just a few times and here was T taking them 2 and 3 times a day.

When the pain and the anxiety and the racing thoughts did not stop, he started snorting his oxys because it allowed him NOT to think. He always complained that he could never 'shut off his thoughts.'

It was clearly a BAD and devastating choice, but at that time he was not really capable of making good decisions.

He saw a new doc the other day. A behavioral and mood specialist. He is young and smart and on top of things, and he asked T about a million questions. How did T feel during that time. Did he do this? Did he feel that? Did he think this? T answered all of his questions and was very in-depth about it all.

This doc does not believe he is bipolar either. Not in the typical sense. He thinks it was pharmacologically induced hypomania. Meaning, he went bonkers due to all of the medicines he was on.

This is from Wikipedia:
People experiencing hypomania may also manifest a loss of inhibition, resulting in behavior such as reckless driving, gambling, spending sprees and sexual adventures. They may also report having a host of new ideas, but not following them through. People who are described as hypomanic are often very jolly to be with but may quickly become very impatient or unpleasant if they cannot get what they want.
.............

Holy crap. I read that and got the chills. That was T (minus the sexual part). That is a lot of the reason that I ended up in total denial about what was REALLY going on.

He was SO much fun to be around most of the time. We would have so much fun. When the episode would pass, he would start passing out from snorting, and he was horribly irritable and we would barely speak. That would go on for a day or two and then he was back to being fun again. The loss of inhibition brought on the drug use, which he was GREAT at hiding. I did not think in those moments of fun that he had snorted. I know now that he had indeed done just that. But because of being in this hypomanic state, he 'seemed' normal. It was the same thing when he started smoking crack. He was doing it for about a week or two before I caught on. He would go in the bathroom, get high, and come outside and throw darts with me. I had NO CLUE.

Wikipedia also had this:
However, many hypomanic patients also experience:
* obsessive behavior, whether mild or severe (check)
* poor judgment (double-check)
* uncontrolled, or only partially controllable, impulsivity (CHECK!)
* excessive sexual activity or sexual risk taking (NO. thank GOD. But this is where the drugs come in... for some it is sex, others drugs, others gambling...)

Some think I am making excuses for T. I am not. I have been TRYING to understand. I was aware and I totally believed that he was simply NOT able to make the right decisions at one time. Now I can see clearly WHY.

He owns up to what he has done. He wants to right the wrongs, and he is trying. And that is all that I can really ask for.

I will say this. He feels SO much better having a Doc that will TALK with him, and not tell him to just take the meds and hope for the best, which is what his other Doc had done.

blargh.

2010-03-04T18:39:00.002-05:00

I have written out a post three different times now and I just end up hitting the delete key. *sigh*

Maybe next time. For now, let us just say that I am really trying to work on some things, personal things, mainly ME and my outlook on my past, present and future. It is not easy, and I need to change some things. I feel the need to PURGE so much. Yet I know that everyone will feel like I am beating a dead horse already. Meh.

More to come. Maybe.

Good day

2010-03-03T08:38:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a good day. M and I baked T a cake. Nothing fancy. I am not Betty Crocker over here. We went to a local eatery, Rumbas, for dinner. The service was a bit lacking, but the food, as always, was fantastic. I had a filet mignon kabob with coconut rice and black beans. I cannot wait to go back. I think I would order the same thing. It was DELISH. T and my mom both got the same thing, jerk chicken wings, ribs and shrimp. Mmm.

We came home and did the cake thing, and then we got the kidlet to bed and settled in to watch Idol.

All in all, it was a good day.

brain dump!

2010-03-02T10:33:00.004-05:00

*blows dust off blog*

Hiya.

*waves*

Been busy. Gotta knock out school. And get a J O B.

Today is T's 41st birthday. Not a card or a phone call or anything from a soul.
(Wait, that is not entirely true. Emilee wished him a Happy Birthday..he said thanks Em.)

That makes me sad for him. *sigh* I know he has not done right by a lot of folks lately, but he still FEELS, yah know? Ugh. Anyway, M and I are going to bake him a cake later, and then we are going out to dinner after my mom gets home.

My mom went on an overnight trip with a friend and my Aunt (they hit some of the Casinos) and she poked herself in the eye with her mascara brush. I will have to take a pic of it. It is freaking gnarly. Yikes. She has what appears to be a blood blister.. IN HER EYE. *screams*

She just called from her eye docs..he says it looks a lot worse than it actually is. He is going to have her come back for an ultrasound to make sure there is no damage back there anywhere. She can see out of it just fine, it is just that the white part is dark, dark red, and it is sort of bubbled out. She has a demon eye. It freaks me OUT. LOL.

I am not good with anything to do with eyes. Blech.
*shudder*

I am just glad that she is ok.

I have to give major props to the casino in Immokalee though. She went down on a bus. Someone at the casino took a look at her eye and suggested she go to the hospital. She had to go by ambulance. It was a 45 minute ride. She had no way to get back other than by a cab. Someone from the casino came and got her, kept in touch with the bus driver and all to make sure that they did not leave without her. She couldn't hold up the bus though yah know? They did a great job with communication though, and the bus only had to wait five minutes for her. She got to go on to Coconut Creek, back to Immokalee and then home, with everyone else. She had a good time despite the drama.

I did not know any of this until she got home. I almost made her left eye match her right eye!!

LOL... (not really...jeesh)

I was SO mad that she did not tell me any of this!! Argh. Anyway, she is fine. And M is in here watching Peep and Paz. I cannot stand Paz so I am outta here....

Progress

2010-02-10T17:17:00.002-05:00

Today was T's appointment at the VA with his new primary care doctor. We had no idea what to expect. He is out of his anxiety meds, and has really been struggling. And I have noticed that he has been quite red faced lately.

We got an explanation for that. His blood pressure was 170/110. That could also be a reason for the headaches, because some of them have been awful, but NOT migraines.

Guh. So, needless to say, he is now on a blood pressure medicine. He is also up to 217 pounds. It is time to knock it off with the Doritos and the ice cream, me thinks. LOL. He went from 165 to 217 in what...3.5 months. Nuts. He's a porker. Heh.

He also is not getting good sleep at all. That is where his Valium came in handy. He never abused that. But because of his addiction issues, he has to go back next week to see a shrinky-dink, and one that specializes in addictions. He got meds for the migraines, and for pain, and a muscle relaxer. He also has to get a full MRI before they will go any further in evaluation of his pain management. Which is good. He does not want to be back on narcotics. I am not sure what all else there is for him, but I guess we will soon find out.

And that is that. Hoping he doesn't drop on me of a bloody heart attack or stroke. That has me seriously worried. *sigh*

ugh

2010-02-10T13:28:00.000-05:00

I really, really, REALLY do not like Journey. That is all..carry on....

drama queeen

2010-02-09T15:33:00.003-05:00

My kid knows how to bring the drama. She loves taking a bath. However, she will not tolerate having her hair washed. It is SUCH a struggle. I literally have to just dump water over her head to get the soap out, with her thrashing about and screaming. I have tried EVERYTHING to get her to relax. She does not like getting water in her eyes. Fine. I remember hating that as a child too. So trying to get her to lay back with a washcloth over her eyes would be a good idea, right? I first attempted this BEFORE bath time, so she knew what was coming. It was a no go. And then I tried it in the tub anyway.

Sometimes, momma is pretty thick. If it did not work outside of the tub, it ain't workin' inside of the tub, genius.

*sigh*
I just asked her if she wanted to take a bath, and she said yes. I usually wait until it is closer to bed time, but I have a sinus infection and that always seems to get worse in the evenings. I ran the water, got her in, did the usual dumping of water over her head as fast as I can, soaped up her head, and resumed with the dumping of more water (no worries, tear-free shampoo). I do this as fast as humanly possible. The moment it is over, she is fine.

Except today. I finished up, wiped her face and told her she could play for a bit. She stood up, sighed heavily, threw her hands up the air and said "It's no use! I just want to get out now!!"

I could not contain the laughter. She is just too much. I wish I could convey the tone with which she said this, because you would pee yourself. Really.

:)

Eating out.

2010-02-08T14:59:00.003-05:00

What do you do when eating out? Do you get whatever you feel like having, or do you try to make good decisions about what to get?

My attitude on eating out has needed an adjustment for quite some time. I do not eat out often at all anymore. When I do, my attitude has always been to get what I want, no matter how unhealthy it may be, as everything in moderation is okay, right?

Well, it took me awhile, but I DO realize how sad that outlook is. It is stupid of me to justify eating something that is an entire days worth of calories just because I do not eat out often. The more I see things like this, the more disgusted I am that these companies put out this garbage. Ugh. And what is worse is that we buy it!!

I struggle with buying the right foods. I try to keep it as fresh as possible. I really do. I am not always successful with that though. I love to cook, and would rather make something myself, than to eat it out of a package of some sort.

Take this evening, for instance. We are having Hormel Beef Tips in gravy. All I have to do is heat it up, boil some whole wheat pasta, steam some broccoli and we have dinner. My mom bought it for T and I since she is going to be out this evening. And to be honest, I am thankful because I am sick as hell right now.

I feel as though someones taken a cleaver to my throat, and my sinuses are all gunked up and it makes my whole face throb. I have been asleep off and on for most of the day. I feel like poop.

Anyway, I digress. The beef tips are loaded with preservatives, partially hydrogenated oils and the ever present caramel coloring, which seems to be in just about EVERYTHING. We do not eat this sort of thing very often anymore at all. I cook everything now on most nights. And by cook, I do not mean 'throw in microwave.'

So, in reality, I should not feel bad about having this for dinner tonight. Or should I? What is your take on it?

Cold, white silence

2010-02-07T15:29:00.002-05:00

That is what I miss most about the snow. I can remember being outside countless times in my younger years, just sitting there alone, listening to the silence. Sometimes, you could hear the snow falling. It was awesome. And I miss that.

I do not miss driving in it, or shoveling it, or freezing my ass off. But I do miss the beauty of a good snowfall. I used to hate when my toes would end up numb, despite the 94739 pairs of socks I had on. I remember being on an endless quest to find really good insulated boots. That never mattered. My toes always ended up numb. I finally confiscated my dad's battery operated socks. Those things ROCKED.

We really spent a lot of time outside in the winter. I can remember having to give in on numerous occasions though. We would go to Tina's house and I would sit right on their space heater. It was awesome. LOL. Instant thaw.

It took a little longer to warm up at my house, unless I dove into my 95 degree water bed. Which, by the way, is usually what I did!

So I see all of the snow that my loved ones are dealing with, and I am a wee bit jealous. *sigh*

Under $200

2010-02-03T09:09:00.002-05:00

I need to come up with about $200. Ok, I don't NEED to. It is not a necessity. But it is for something that weighs very heavy on my heart.

T had pawned his brothers bass guitar and amp, the one thing that he truly treasured of Marks. Unreal. Anyway, he and I have had words over it several times. He feels horrid about it now, of course. As he should.

Anyway, upon last check, it was still at the pawn shop. And I want it back. *sigh*
I had a dream about Mark the other night. It was so real and so vivid. I could clearly see him. He hugged me and I could feel him. I could smell him. He always smelled so good. I won't get into the dream as it disturbed me quite a bit, but he was there in the end, telling me that it would all work itself out. He was always Mister Positive...

A lousy $200. Ugh.

Potty training

2010-02-01T09:18:00.002-05:00

I had started potty training M back in October of 2008. Yeah, you read that right. Oh-EIGHT. Ugh.

I took it very slow, taking her into the bathroom with me when I had to go, sitting her on her potty while she was still in her diaper, etc. She took interest and would spend a lot of time sitting on it, but only actually went one time. In November, things with T and I had become so strained that I really just sort of gave up on it, as I did with most everything else. I spent my time playing and reading with her instead.

I was very depressed. I could not sleep most nights, and during the day it was all I could do just to remain awake. I spent a lot of time wandering around my house, crying, knowing that I was going to lose it. Ugh.

In April I had to come here to my moms. I tried to resume the potty thing once her and I got into a routine over here. She was NOT having it. And I did not push. Everything she knew was gone, and even though we had established a routine, I just did not want to push too hard.

Everything I had ever read about training said not to push them, that when they were ready, they would go. Riiiight.

We are several days into this now, and she is doing really well. I had visions of cleaning poop off of the carpet and stuff. So far, so good. She has peed on the carpet only twice, and both of those times I SWEAR she did it out of spite. LOL.

She wore her underwear for the first 3 days with no problems. I keep her in a pull-up at night just in case. She has stayed dry most nights. The last 2 days though, she has refused to wear her underwear. She wants a pull-up. Well, I only have two left and I am broke. SO... when I grabbed her undies this morning, she FREAKED the fuck OUT. I am talking about a screaming, writhing, throwing-up, demonic-like tantrum like I have never seen from her.

She was PISSED.

I let her scream, writhe, gag and flop of the floor for a few minutes. I told her the choice was hers, she could sit there and wig out, or she could put her undies on, have a juice, and watch the Backyardigans. And I walked away.

The tantrum continued. She screamed from the depths of her very being, and at that point I was concerned that she was going to shred her throat. So I went out, picked her up off of the floor and just held her and talked to her and she eventually calmed right down. She asked to put her undies on, and its been smooth sailing since then.

It is only 9:38 a.m. and mama is wondering if it is too early to make a drink.

(I am kidding. Kinda...)

Anyway, all it took was a push. I put my foot down and said NO MORE, and here we are. I wish I had done this sooner. *sigh*

Courteous

2010-01-30T08:35:00.004-05:00

We have extremely courteous garbage men. At my old house, they would tear up the street at 5 a.m., dumping trash and heaving the barrels back in the direction from whence they came. I would usually have to go over to my neighbors to get my lids. The cans were often left in the middle of the street too.

I have noticed since being here at my moms that the men return the barrels to the sidewalk, and even replace the lids!

See? It is the little things that make me happy, people. LOL

Wow

2010-01-28T10:31:00.003-05:00

I was just looking back at old posts on here.
http://jen-hen.blogspot.com/2008/12/empty-heart.html

I was in a bad place then, hoping 2009 would be a better year.
I had NO idea what was just around the corner. *sigh*

I lost it all. My house, my vehicle, my routine, my comfort, and almost my husband.
I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by sticking it out with him. I question how I can still love him after all that he has done. But the bottom line is that I DO love him. I just hope that I do not feel like I did in that post, or in the months that followed EVER again.

Because it was my own little slice of Hell. It really, truly was.

I know it could always be worse. I think of M a lot in this regard. She is healthy. She is wonderful. I see moms and dads with sick or dying little kids and I THANK GOD that THAT is not my life.

And while I am thankful for being able to walk and talk and see and hear each day, and I am thankful that I have my child, and my mom, both healthy... it does not take away the sting of what DID happen.

I am not sure that T will be able to keep it together. Time will tell, I guess.
I know that I want, more than ANYTHING, for it all to work out.

PT: Day 2

2010-01-28T09:52:00.002-05:00

As Shelley would say ... "Awesomesauce!"

M continued to use the potty last night. She had quite a few accidents, but I am not sure if it was because she was not used to holding it in, or if it was because she just wanted to wear each and every pair of undies that she has! LOL

She went to bed with just a pull up on. She stayed dry all night! This morning when she got up, the first thing she did was use the potty. She even takes it to the bathroom and flushes it. So today we are going to work on going on the actual toilet, at least for when she has to poop, that way mommy does not gag and stuff today.

*wink*

She has a pull up on today just to keep her from peeing all over the carpet, but so far, she has stayed totally dry.

See? Awesomesauce!

Poop

2010-01-27T15:52:00.002-05:00

Yep. A post about poop.

Today while at the playground, M was playing with a 2.5 year old boy who was fully potty trained. This made me feel like a colossal failure. So we came home and with no diapers left, I told her that this was simply IT.

She can scream and cry all she wants. No more diapers. I have some pull-ups for at night, but that is IT.

T brought out her potty. She promptly carried it back to the bathroom. There was much drama. I took off her last diaper and put her new Dora skivvies on. She got to prance around in front of the mirror to see them. She went for two hours, and then assumed her position between couch and coffee table (this would be prime pooping position) and I gently reminded her that she needed to use the potty.

And she did.

She walked over, pulled down her skivvies, sat down, and pooped.

Mommy gagged.

How can poop in the potty somehow be worse than poop in a diaper?? What kind of mindfuck is that? I mean, poop is poop. I think maybe seeing it in a potty container flipped a switch in my brain. Not to mention, how does a 3 year old poop larger poops than I do?? It clogged the terlet.

Yes yes. I know you could have done without that tidbit of info.

Anyway. She did it. We made a big, huge, colossal deal out of it.
Then, she followed me into the office, and promptly peed on the floor.

\m/

Steps up onto soapbox.....

2010-01-26T22:26:00.004-05:00

I have been seeing a lot of things lately that are really getting me fired up. The first one being on Facebook, consists of a group of people trying to get a group kicked off of Facebook. I do not remember the exact name of the group, but it is something about not supporting the troops.

Now, before you go getting your skivvies in a wad, let me 'splain myself here...

I do not agree with that group any more than the next guy. I certainly would not have much to say to anyone who has joined up. I know a LOT of folks who do not support the war(s), but still support the men and women who choose to stand up for this nation.

I support our military. Fully.

I also support free speech. It is one of our most precious freedoms. I just do not believe in taking that right away from anyone...even IF the people involved are against those that fought for us to have that right, and continue to FIGHT for that right, amongst the many things that they fight for. *breathes*

Censorship is not a good thing, in my opinion.

It is ok to abhor the group and what it stands for. Don't join. Start your own group in support of the troops, or for/against something that really means something to you. But to sit and whine about how wrong it is for these people to have their group, and their say, well, it is not going to do any good.

I find that to be such a common theme these days, especially in regards to politics.
If someone does not agree with another person's view, then that person is wrong, or an idiot, or ignorant.

Why? Because they do not see things the same way that you do?? Pffft.
Do not get me wrong. There truly are some ignorant, and flat out moronic people out there.

I have come across some real ignorance in dealing with T and all that has happened as of late. Sometimes the things that people say leave me on the floor.

Anyway, stepping down off of the soapbox for now. I am tired. Night night.

Forgotten places

2010-01-26T12:36:00.002-05:00

Wow. Until some asshat spammer tried to comment on a post, I had totally forgot about this space. Seeing as I had to (yes, HAD to) do some paid blogging over at my other place, I think I will start posting here again as well. The paid stuff definitely changes the way that I write, and I hate that. But that little extra money really helps. So, I do what I gotta do.

About Me

2009-12-12T13:05:00.001-05:00

Hi.

I am Jen. I am married, with one daughter. I live in FL. I am originally from Massachusetts(native Cape Codder!)and have lived in WV and PA as well. My family and friends are the best things I know. I am also a huge John Mellencamp fan.

I am a cat person. I love the outdoors. I do not get to camp often enough. I love to take pictures but in no way call myself a photographer.

I have a major shortage of patience, but I am loyal, honest, caring, and FUN.

I love to cook. My mom always cooked everything from scratch, and when my dad could no longer work, he took over the kitchen. Imagine my amazement upon realizing that he was Betty Freaking Crocker!

So, I have always loved to cook, and I have always thought it would be cool to be a chef. I ALMOST went to Johnson and Wales University when I graduated high school. That is one decision I fully regret. I love Chef Ramsay and never miss Hell's Kitchen or Kitchen Nightmares.

I am a huge Survivor junkie, love 24, watch ALL of the CSI's and have a lifelong love of Wheel of Fortune! Hah.

I smoked for many years and am now fearful that I will die an awful death, as my dad did. Ugh. Have not had one since August of 2005.

I wanted two children. That did not pan out. I wanted a happily-ever-after. That did not pan out either. There may be an ever-after, I am just not sure how happy it will be, if it even happens at all.

My kid is awesomely amazing and I love her with every fiber of my being.
I love my mommy and I miss my daddy so very much.

I have no living grandparents.

I am a Gemini. I am true to the sign.

My favorite color is blue.

I will be 37 in June. I cannot even believe that. Wasn't I just 15?

I have no real regrets, other than not going to JWU. All the paths I have chosen, and the roads that I have been forced down, have made me what I am today. And I am pretty ok with who I am.

I have hypothyroidism and hypertension. I need to lose weight. Life-long battle there. Hoping to get a grip on that very very soon..

Aaand I think that is about it. Most of you know all of that stuff anyway!
:P

Hi

2009-01-11T09:40:00.001-05:00

I am over here now. Thanks and sorry. LOL
I promise I will try to stay put this time.

cursing

2008-12-28T18:57:00.004-05:00

The person/persons that created Sudoku. OMG. I can't stop!! Aaak. So, y'all are gonna kill me....
But I have my domain hosted again. I know I know. LOL. I am hoping to get it all together this week, and then ill start posting over there. I will let you know. I also have an asston of photos to post. Just don't be holding your breath waiting! LOL

argh

2008-12-20T17:25:00.002-05:00

Every asshole on Earth that has a loud car, truck, or motorcycle drove passed my house today
while I was trying to nap.
To say that I am disgruntled is a huge understatement.

Jerks.

ow.

2008-12-18T22:49:00.002-05:00

My kid and her obsession with trees, sticks and acorns is going to do me in, people!
I am laying here in bed, trying to figure out what I did to my hip. It was hurting like hell. I rolled over to rub it and there it was/...an acorn. In my bed. Under the covers. *sigh*

Why?

2008-12-17T18:56:00.002-05:00

Why do people ACT like they care? I mean, seriously.. what is the point??
Either you do, or you don't. And if you don't, that is fine, just quit pretending like you give a shit because it is HIGHLY annoying.

And no. This is not directed at anyone in particular. I'm just sayin'.

And?

2008-12-16T12:23:00.002-05:00

Nutcrackers are right up there with clowns on the old creep-o-meter. At least for me anyway.

*shudders*

one more thing

2008-12-14T18:20:00.002-05:00

I am completely jealous of people who can knit socks. I LOVE KNITTED SOCKS.

That is all...

empty heart.

2008-12-14T11:51:00.005-05:00

I have been a die hard John Mellencamp fan for many years. His music has always spoken to me. I find bits and pieces of myself in his words.

For the first time in a loong time, I listened to him today. I turned on the stereo in the living room, and the Lonesome Jubilee CD was in there. This has long been one of my favorites. Every song on this speaks to me. It is an amazing piece of work.

What REALLY amazes me is how 10 years ago, this album spoke to me. And here I am all these years later, in a different place, and shaking my head saying "Ain't THAT the truth." I can STILL find myself in these songs.

Today, I had to stop what I was doing, and allow myself to have a good cry.
It was because of a song called Empty Hands. Now, do not get me wrong. We are having money issues. But I know that we are STILL far more fortunate that a LOT of people. It was not the 'being broke' aspect of this song that got to me though. It was about looking back, and thinking of all of those dreams and expectations I had when T and I first got together. It was about seeing all of that go down the drain. It was about the absolute despair that I feel. It was about feeling like I am failing my child for staying in a crappy situation.

The lyric that did me in?

'Maryanne, she´s fixin´ up some breakfast
Got the lights on, on the christmas tree
Sittin´ there, lookin´ up at an angel
With something dyin´ inside of me

Grew up with great expectations
Heard the promise and I knew the plan
They say people get what they deserve
But lord, sometimes it´s much worse than '

I was making breakfast and cleaning the kitchen. The lights on the tree are on.
And something inside of me is indeed dying.
And yes, sometimes? It IS much worse than that.
*sigh*

Towards the end of the song, another partial verse did me in, the flood gates opened, I had to stop the heat under my eggs and run for the kleenex. Man, I had a GOOD hard cry. Not that it did any good, really. It DID help me feel a wee bit less like I have an anvil sitting on my heart though, so I guess that is something.

'Without hope, without love
You´ve got nothing but pain
Just makes a man not give a damn
That´s no way for us to live'

Yeah. Got lots of crappy things going on. So did not need this, ever. But it is out of my hands. For the first time in my life, I have turned it over to God. I have done all that I can do.

Merry Christmas. Not sure how much I will be around, as I have to get school done, so I can get a job, so I can get me and Maya a place to live.

Yeah. You read that right.

2009 HAS to be a better year, because I cannot do this any.more.

meh

2008-12-05T09:34:00.002-05:00

So I never heard back from that woman. What a bummer. I did find out that she is the mom of my cousins ex-girlfriend. I have actually met her daughter. Crazy. I still swear it is her. I would bet my undies on it. LOL

My cousin Kristin is going to ask Brittany, her daughter, for me. Maybe she doesn't remember me. Maybe it really ISN'T her. I don't know. If it IS her, and she does not remember, that would make me really sad. I guess I do not leave much of an impression on people. *sigh* However, if it IS her? I am just glad to see her alive and well, because I have wondered about her muchly since 1982!

Soooo, that is that.

On to other things. We are so broke. B R O K E. As in ramen-noodles-for-lunch-every-day broke. Sad. My Mom bought us our tree. Thank you Mom. She also funded Christmas for us this year. I bought T a few things yesterday. And I have a few things for Maya. Today I am getting something for my Mom, even though she said not to. And then T will have a few bucks to shop for Maya.

We had to send the bankruptcy court 300 bucks this paycheck and that hurt. ugh.

Annnnyway. I am currently doing up my Christmas cards. If you would like to swap cards with me, drop me an email... jenDOThendersonATgmailDOTcom. I love getting cards. weee

Stace, yours was the first one I got! I always open your cards so carefully. LOL
:O)

huh.

2008-11-27T01:00:00.002-05:00

So, every now and then out of boredom, I do google searches for things like the small town that I used to live in when I was a kid. I do searches on Flickr as well.

Tonight, on myspace, I did a search for people within a 10 mile radius of the zip code. I found my cousin, who lives in the next town over. Cool. Then, I see this face. The face of a 36 year old woman. Only I didn't see the face of her now as she is. I saw the face of a 9 year old girl. My best friend, Yolanda.

Y and I were great friends. We spent lots of time together and one day her Mom packed up her and her brother, Shannon, and left town. I never heard from her again. To this VERY day, I think of her. It bothers me because this would have been a life long friendship, without a doubt. I've missed her. I know that her birthday was in May, and this woman is a Taurus. That is April/May, right??

She is 36. Right age. And her eyes. And her smile. I swear ta GOD, if this is not her, I will eat my shoes. I will be VERY surprised.

Of course, it could just be wishful thinking, and as soon as my brain saw her and her name and age, my imagination went into overdrive.

But I hope that is not the case. I hope it is her. I sent her a message. I will be checking my myspace with rabid OCD-ness in the next few days. The other things? Some people on her friends list are from Illinois. I DO know that that is where she was originally from. All the rest of her friends are all from that area in WV.

Oh. I hope it is her. I really really do.
*sigh*

Perspective

2008-11-23T00:23:00.002-05:00

I was on Flickr just now. Found a group for photos taken in the 80s. What a hoot. So I came across some photos from this one woman, and I clicked over to her stream. She mentioned that she was the mom of 5 children. Two of whom died. One girl was stillborn and a boy who died and was delivered at 17 weeks. She took photos, and posted them on her site, with a warning due to the graphic nature.

I couldn't click through. I just. couldn't. do. it.

I am sitting here now, a sobbing, snotty mess.

I love Maya with every fiber of my being. And that is a LOT of fibers. I just simply can NOT imagine. And here I sit and bitch about her sleep issues as of late. Pffft.

I am one lucky woman. And I am going to start living my life as a mother in that regard. No more bitching about sleep, or lack of sleep, or whether or not she has taken all of her clothes out of her drawers.

She is here. Alive. Healthy and wonderful. And I just want to enjoy it, enjoy her and my time with her.

I need to go sob some more. Night...

Holy Crap

2008-11-19T00:28:00.003-05:00

Is this a good representation of the youth in this country? Because this is pretty much what myspace is made up of, at least from this age group.

That shit right there, is SCARY. Holy crap, man. And what is with all of these stupid white kids calling each other 'nigga'?? It just does not get much lamer than that. Damn.
*shakes head*

I cannot tell you how sad I find this. Are these kids REALLY that STUPID?? REALLY?
gah. Those must be some proud parents.. And before any one jumps on me... I KNOW that there are good and decent teens out there. I also know that as a parent, you can only do so much.

I read several bloggers who have teens and those kids are just as normal as can be. I am talking about these yahoos. Look at that kids page, look at the comments from his friends. I see that crap ALL over myspace. I have 2 teens on my friends list (kids of old friends) and this kid is a friend of a friend of one of them. I just start clicking around randomly when bored and I see this crap..they are every where. Like a virus.

I know that as a teen I was not perfect. We 'do' things as kids. We act stupid and we are carefree and we do shit for stupid reasons. And most of us don't care about consequences. That is where I (and a few of my good friends) differed. I DID care.
I thought about things most times, before I did anything. I avoided some really stupid situations by simply giving a shit about what my parents actually thought of me. I KNEW BETTER. (That being said, I did get myself into one mess, that I regret, and that I feel awful over to this very day. But I cannot change the past, and it really changed who I am. Just wanting to show that I was not some goody-goody who never did anything wrong. I did plenty.)

But even at my dumbest, at my absolute worst, I was nowhere near this. And I have several people who can vouch for me on that!! (Tina, Nana, Lynn, Stace, MOM!)

My parents would have KICKED MY ASS if I had even THOUGHT of acting like such an idiot.

I mean, I am all for exploring ones self, and for testing boundaries and all that. It is normal and it is how we learn and grow. It is helps us to get where we are today. Lord knows, I made some REALLY stupid decisions over the years. But again, my ni*gas, I never, EVER, was like this...

It just boggles my mind.
Tina, can you imagine if Johnny or Jacob turned out like that???
They would never see the light of day!! LOL

(PS. Don't get your panties in a wad over the 'n' word. Keep it in context, people. Thanks)

Random Brain Dump

2008-11-18T08:20:00.002-05:00

I found the kid of one of my former best friends on myspace. She brings the drama just like her mama. Poor kid.

Awhile back we converted Maya's crib to a toddler bed. She never attempted to get out, which both amazed and amused us. That is no longer. I put her down for a nap yesterday, and after about 30 minutes I realized that there was no way she was going to go to sleep. When I went in to get her, this is what I found:

That would be all of her dirty laundry, a mostly full package of diapers as well as a mostly full package of wipes. Good times, yo. She KNEW she was so busted as soon as I opened the door. Her little face had "Ooooh SHIT!" written aaaall over it. I had to stifle my laughter, and then I tried to salvage as many wipes as I could.

I have been flat out exhausted the last few days. During the day I am ok, but come 8 p.m. or so, and I am falling asleep in my chair. Never happens. I was in bed by 9:30 last night. I farted around on my phone for a bit, but by 10:20 or so I was OUT, and I didn't get up til almost 7. This is odd for my night owl-ness and insomnia-prone self. I could have gone right back to sleep too, but Maya is up.

If it were humanly possible, I'd swear I was pregnant. This is how I felt in the early days of my pregnancy with Maya. But no, I am SURE that I am not. You have to have sex to get pregnant. :OP

Annnnnyway. My office is so nice now. All organized and clean and stuffs. I have a load or two of clothes to get done today, and I need to vacuum. I also want to get Maya outside for a bit to run off some of her boundless energy! I gotta empty the dishwasher, take some chicken out of the freezer, and I have lots of studying to do today. Sorry to bore you that. That list was more for my benefit. LOL

*yawns*

And with that, I am off. :O)

Irritated

2008-11-11T16:01:00.003-05:00

People just assume that if you are having trouble paying for your house, that you just bought too much house.

That is not the case for a lot of people. We purchased well under what we were approved for. We live in a 30 year old house in a 35 year old neighborhood. Meh. I know I have talked about this before. I feel guilty. Guilty that we are in this mess. I wonder what people think, even though I really shouldn't give a shit.

We do not have an adjustable rate mortgage. We have debt due to unforeseen mental and physical illnesses. We have debt, yes, in part to careless spending. But only because the mental/medical thing happened. We were able to pay for the spending prior to that. And by careless, I mean that we bought new furniture when we bought our house. And we went out to eat a lot. And we took vacations. And we bowled twice a week. And we had friends over for BBQs and parties. We were just...living.

Our biggest mistake was not focusing on savings. While we WERE putting money away, it was not enough.

And now, help would be a welcomed thing. Maybe then I could sleep at night. See, we are awaiting the report from when Todd had his MRI. He may (most likely) be facing more surgery. This time, a probable spinal fusion, and clearing out of arthritis in his lumbar spine. His legs are getting weaker by the day, and he can no longer feel his feet. Temporary disability pays about 60% of his salary. We can say goodbye to this house in that event. *sigh*
So THAT is why the help is needed. As it stands right this very second, we are barely making ends meet. My Mom helps us get groceries and I cannot tell you how much of a loser I feel like as a result. I am so thankful for my Mom. In more ways than one.

He smokes too much, about a pack a day, and that is the most frivolous of our (his) spending. He blows way too much money on the crap but I cannot make him quit, so I have no choice but to deal. I don't go out. I don't do ANYTHING. And it blows.
We do not eat out anymore. We most likely won't even be able to get a Christmas tree this year. And it all boils down to this house payment.

He is due to get a raise in about 5 months. Hopefully it will be a good one. As I had stated in another post, due to some job hopping (as a result of the mental issues he was facing) he is making less now than he was five years ago.

If we could get back to that pay level, all would be well. I am also trying to finish up my schooling so I can get a job. THAT would help things immensely. All we need at this point? Is like an extra $300 a MONTH. That's it. A measly three bills a month and we would be out of the gutter. Ugh.

Anyway... I still cannot help but to get angry at all these comments I am reading on various news articles that pertain to helping people struggling with their mortgage. People just automatically assume that people like me were irresponsible and greedy.
And that is just not the case. Ok, irresponsibility played a small part, but only because we were dumb enough to have that "It won't happen to us" attitude in regards to sickness and craptastic luck.

eh. Sorry. Just venting.

Help...maybe?

2008-11-11T09:53:00.002-05:00

I had wanted to post something about today being Veteran's Day. And then I saw this article and I was reduced to tears. I hope we can partake in this. It would make our lives SO much easier right now.

After I stop sobbing like a school girl who just lost her BFF, I will post something of more substance...

breaking bread

2008-11-10T00:19:00.002-05:00

My Mom gave me her bread machine about a year or two ago. It has been sitting gathering dust ever since. Good intentions and all...

So today, I knocked the dust off, and baked a loaf of Italian bread. GOOD LORD.
I cannot tell you how freaking deeeelicious it is!! I am going to bake a loaf for my neighbors tomorrow.

I was talking to C today, she is my neighbor across the street. They are in the same kind of financial predicament that we are in. I had no idea. We talked and talked this evening, and she told me that it was so nice to have someone to talk to, that understood what they were going through.

They are on the verge of losing the home that they have lived in for THIRTY years. They refi'd about a year or two ago, before the market went south, anyway. They needed new windows and a new roof and a new AC. They also painted the inside of the house and redid a bathroom. And I can say, the place needed the work. Thirty years of nothing ever being done in there, left it really needing some help.

They did not go overboard with anything. It was a modest bathroom remodel... Anyway, now she has lost clients due to the economy, and W works his ass off. They are just barely making it. She is waiting to hear from the mortgage company as to whether or not they are going to restructure the loan, so they can avoid foreclosure.

We are not quite that bad off just yet. We do have a ridiculous mortgage. That is because we used what equity we had to make improvements. Then we refi'd to consolidate debt and get more money to finish some work we had started.

At that time, it was all well and good as T was making good money. Then he fell apart and went through like 4 jobs. He is now making less than he was 4 years ago, and that has hurt us a LOT. Add in some unforeseen medical expenses and it is a party. And it all just sucks. The market crashed and now we are left with a house that is valued WELL below what it was just 2 years ago. We now have a mortgage that far surpasses the value of the house. We will never get enough in a sale to cover what we owe. So we are stuck.

Same thing with our trucks. We cannot sell them because we are SO upside down on them. We owe way over what they are worth. So selling them is useless, as we would never get what we need to cover the loan. *sigh*

The baking of the bread thing is going to happen a LOT more, because it just simply doesn't get much easier than adding ingredients, and then eating warm gooey bread three hours later. LOL

mmmmm

Next up, cheddar and herb bread and onion soup bread. MMMMM.

Thanks Mom!

Holy Tantrum Batman!!

2008-11-05T09:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday morning, even though it was gray outside and looked like rain, I decided to take Maya to the park. We got there about 9. I was surprised how busy it was. So she is off and running. Everything was going along fine for about 40 minutes. Then, as she was about to go down a big slide, I noticed a wee one at the bottom. Maya would have plowed her over. Wee ones Mother was nowhere to be seen. Who does that? Is it just me? Another woman was there with twin newborns and she just left them in the stroller and was all the way over on the other side of the playground with her son. I mean, would you do that?? Is it just me??

Anyway, I digress. I tell Maya to hold on before she shoots down the slide and kills this small being. I moved the little girl out of the way, and told Maya to come on down. Oy. Too late. She was in the beginnings of a tantrum. I totally thought that once she was able to come on down, all would be ok. HAHAHAHAA. Riiight.

So she slides down the slide. She said she wanted to do it again. So I tried to lead her back to the stairs. She was NOT having it. She started walking in circles. This is never a good sign. LOL

Me: Do you want to go down the slide again?
Her: *screams*
Me: Do you want to go on the swings?
Her: *screams*
Me: What do you want to do then?
Her: *screams*
Me: Ok then. You can sit there and scream. *walks away*
Her: *endoftheworldscreaming*

At this point all of the moms are staring at us. Ugh. Like their little precious has never melted down, right? Why are moms like that?? I'm not. I feel for a mom when I see this sort of thing happening.

I walked over to her to pick her up and she went all jelly on me. You know, the refusal to stand? Arms up so you cannot grasp and pick them up? So I let her plop to her butt. I bent down and tried to pick her up and I swear she dislocated herself at the shoulders, because I could NOT pick her up. She was like a pile of goo. I tried this three damned times before I finally gave in amongst the screaming, and tossed her over my shoulder, kicking and screaming, and headed to the truck.

After like 10 minutes, she was strapped into her car seat, and I shut the door and took a breather. Holy Shit. I have never seen a meltdown of this size from her. She was possessed. It was...weird, to see her this way. She was PISSED. OFF.

Tears rolling, snot flying, red faced, vein popping, gagging and choking pissed off.
I tried to give her her water, and she grabbed the cup, put the straw in her mouth, and bit it like a dog with a chew toy. Head shake and all.

At that point I had to close the door again so she didn't see me CRACK UP. It was hilarious. Poor kid.

I attempted a swipe at the snot with a wipe, that just made her even angrier. So I gave up. I got in the truck and drove home. I WAS going to go vote, but that was going to have to wait. There had been a line at the polling place and I was just spent anyway.

She screamed the whole way home about how she wanted to go back to the playground. I told her that we could try again tomorrow. I told her that I was sorry that she was mad, and that its ok to be mad. However, we were not going back to the playground today. She settled down a bit. When we got home and I took her out of the truck, she wrapped herself around me. We came in the house and sat down and she just chilled out on me for a bit.

Whenever she does this these days, I take it all in. I always want to remember how she feels in my arms. Because I won't always be able to do this. I won't always be able to make things right in her world, simply by holding her and loving her. *tear*

She ate lunch (hot dog and applesauce! YUM...) and then took a THREE HOUR nap.

I guess tantrum-ing is hard work, huh?

Anti-Sammich

2008-11-01T19:09:00.002-04:00

Maya won't each sandwiches. It is kind of funny, yet frustrating. She pulls them apart, and eats whatever is inside. You can imagine that with something like PB&J, this makes quite the mess. Today I gave her a cheese sammich, and she did the same. Pulled it apart, ate the cheese and licked the Miracle Whip off of the bread. I don't get it. She LIKES bread. She eats toast, both with just butter and with jelly and even with applesauce on it. She eats a hot dog in a bun. She eats bread with butter when we have beef stew, etc. But a sammich? Nope.

What the hell? LOL

Weirdo.

Halloween was good. She was a witch. Again, no camera. We took pics with my mom's camera so when she sends them to me, I will post. We met my Mom over at my in-laws place and just went to a few houses. She is small yet and we just do not need all that candy in the house. She had a good time, and so did we. It is always good to see my mom-in-law and my Mom. I am so very fortunate that T's family is so wonderful. I REALLY enjoy my MIL's company. (Remember, this is T's step mom, not his mom-mom.) And her and my Mom get on just fine too, which is very cool.

Maya does not get much sugar. I mean, she does as far as fruit goes, being a big fruit eater. But as for garbage sugar? No. So the one little snickers she had today has fueled her craziness all damned day. Bouncing off the walls and such. Momma needs a drink. LOL

Off to clean the pool and grill up some kabobs. mmmmm.

Sandee

2008-10-29T21:05:00.002-04:00

For any of you that know, or have followed along with Sandee's battle with cancer, there has been a pretty significant downturn in her condition. Prayers, chants, dances, good thoughts and vibes needed for her and her family. Whatever it is that you do, is appreciated. This woman has fought long and hard. And this news just breaks my heart.

Uhm. WTF?

2008-10-29T06:44:00.002-04:00

The hell?

I know it is only one degree, BUT STILL. Colder in Florida this morning than in Massachusetts. Pffft.

Procrastinate much?

2008-10-29T06:31:00.004-04:00

I am not sure what my problem is as of late. But I did just about nothing yesterday. How sad. My house is a wreck and I simply just did.not.care.

I cannot be like that today. I have too much that needs to be done. I made a list. And I must get things done.

List?
~~Finish the laundry~~
dust
vac and wash floors
clean off my dining table
make two thank you cards
~~get the bills figured out for the month~~
~~make grocery list~~
remove clutter from living room

I NEED to get all of that done today dammit.

I have been getting up around 4:50ish each morning. My eyes just pop open and I am wide awake, regardless of what time I fall asleep. Instead of letting it get me down as I have in the past, I am embracing it. This is going to be my 'me' time. I made some tea, read the news, read some blogs and have just enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I am about to go get a load of laundry started, fold one basket that needs folding, and then I am gonna bake some banana muffins for breakfast and pack T's lunch.

Then? CLEAN. Seriously this time. LOL

Oh, and I need to find my camera charger so I can show off mah hair.

Random meh.

2008-10-28T09:11:00.003-04:00

I am in a weird ass mood today. I am disgruntled, yet thankful. I am motivated, yet procrastinating. I am happy, yet I am not. Meh.

I woke up nice and early this morning and for once, instead of being angry about it, I embraced it. I made a pot of coffee and enjoyed a rather large mug of it. I read the news at my leisure instead of just skimming the headlines. I wandered around my house in the pre-dawn darkness, silently giving thanks that I even HAVE a house.

Our neighbor next door has disappeared. One day, a moving van showed up, loaded up, and we have not seen her since. Yesterday I did a bit of nosing around on google, and found that the house is in foreclosure. She filed Chapter 13, (which allows you to keep your home but you must stay current on the mortgage) but must have not kept up with the payments on the house after consolidation/reorganization. It made me so very sad because this woman seemingly had it together. She was a single mom, and a nurse who worked a LOT. She painted the house, put on a new roof, put in new sod and put up new fencing in the last few years. The sod was just recently. It is all dead now, and looks like shit. She had a sprinkler system installed as well, and never even turned it on.

She had also just bought a new truck. She always had her nails done, her hair done up and she had these funky contacts. They were this orangey color that meshed well with her dark skin. She was beautiful, in truth. Thin and fit, a private woman, but very nice. And her boy seemed like a good kid. I am just so surprised at it all.

There are over 3 THOUSAND homes, just in our little area of Tampa here, that are in foreclosure. Ugh. There is one, a couple of blocks away that was seized as a result of drug charges brought against the owner. It's a 5 bedroom, 2 bath home, on the auction block for $33k. Talk about a steal. I know it is at someone elses expense, but still. That is one of the many reasons why drugs are bad!

The people at the end of our little dead end street are slinging drugs. It is so blatantly obvious. They have been busted before. It is ridiculous the amount of traffic this generates on our street. I was up at 4 the other morning, and watched 3 cars in a 10 minute time period come down my street. They had their lights off. They would pull up, run to the door of the house, knock, get the goods, pay, and drive off up the street, lights still off...

I am tiring of it. I am afraid to call the cops for the simple reason that if these eejits find out that it was me, well, there is no telling what will happen. One of the kids that lives there freaking stole my motorcycle helmut right outta my garage. He is always over here, scoping things out. It makes me crazy. He tells every one that he went to sniper school and that hes joining the army. He was gone for several months but is now back. When T asked him last night what happened the army, he said he was waiting on his medical clearance. HAH! You have to have your med. clearance before the military will even let you go to boot camp. So there is no way this maroon went to freaking sniper school. *eyeroll*

Ok, enough of that. I REALLY need to get off my ass, and clean my house.

Short. And sweet.

2008-10-27T23:50:00.003-04:00

I had an awesome day with my Mom and Maya. I was in desperate need of a haircut, and so was Maya. However, we are effing BROKE. So my Mom treated us. I went drastic. Like, REALLY. SHORT. Hilighted to the max. (did I just say that?) Short. Oh and it is SHORT.

LOL

Pics to follow. Maya got hers cut short too. It was just so crazy and damaged from the pool. She looks cute as can be. Her vocabulary is EXPLODING. I love it when she actually answers me when I talk to her. She was real big on just repeating whatever it is that you say to her. Now, she actually answers you and I die each time she does it.
*sigh*

My Mom took us to lunch too. I couldn't eat it all so I got a box for it. And I left it in my Moms fridge. ARGH. I love spending time with my Mom. I love to watch her with Maya. They have such an amazing connection. :O)

Annnnyway, I am freaking BEAT. Going night nights. I wanna take Maya to the playground tomorrow.

Will show off the new Do tomorrow! And hopefully get some pics of M while she is monkeying around!

Random brain dump.

2008-10-26T12:19:00.005-04:00

Awhile back, I can remember watching TV with T, and seeing commercials for the show The Dead Zone. The commercials drove me crazy. First off, I was weirded out seeing Anthony Michael Hall as a man. In my mind he is still that dork from the Breakfast Club. Second, they showed the commercials incessantly and it really turned me off from ever watching the show.

I grew up reading Stephen King novels. And this show is based on one of King's books. I had an initial interest in the show. Yet I never watched it until recently.

OMG I am HOOKED. I LOVE IT. If I had the money I would go RIGHT NOW and buy all the seasons on DVD. I TiVo two episodes each week, but they are not shown in order and sometimes they are repeats. Sucks. I would rather watch it in order, but whatever. I will take what I can get.

I was wondering if any of you ever watched it, and if so, what did you think??
I know it is a bit over the top at times, but still. I just love it. And Anthony turned out kinda hot. Which I never expected. LOL

Also, Friday morning I was channel surfing and I came across a deliciously bad movie, that I had not seen in years. The Believers. I HAD to watch it. I had gone to see this movie in the theatre back in 87 with some friends.

There is an actor in the movie named Malick Bowens. Creepiest.man.ever. He was awesome. Every time they showed him, I got the heebs. I wish he had been in more things because he was awesome. The movie is based around the rituals and beliefs of Santeria. Whenever Malick's character would dance, or be in a trance, his eyes would turn this creepy icey-blue. Ah. I am not sure why I felt compelled to tell you that, but well, there you go. :OP

Anyway.. more random posting from yours truly.

:O)

Will you still love me when I'm 64?

2008-10-26T09:39:00.003-04:00

Yes. YES YES.
It is currently a glorious 64 degrees outside right now.

I think I hear Angels signing. LOL
Awesome. It is so cool and crispy in my house right now. LOVE.IT.
*sigh*

That is all. Enjoy your Sunday!! I am off to make a pot o' coffee and snuggle with the Pea!

;oD

I emerge unscathed

2008-10-25T13:20:00.002-04:00

I am happy to report that we just got in from the playground, and I managed not to run my melon into anything! YAY. Ha.

We did not stay long as the playground is next to a soccer field. As the games ended a lot of the kiddos came over to the play ground. And seven year olds have no patience for 2 year olds. So we called it a day. Next Saturday we will go MUCH earlier. I also plan to take her one day this week. She LOVES the place.

And Mommy knows now where she must duck. :OP

Fiscally responsible or not...

2008-10-24T20:50:00.004-04:00

Hah.
No, seriously. We have had some major money issues as of late. I know I have talked about it before. Todd being out of work back when Maya was a baby has really put us in a bind. It is just NOW catching up to us. We cashed out a few IRAs to keep afloat, we borrowed money, we had our tax return and stimulus check, and now, we are out of options. This house payment is killing us. The trucks are killing us. However, we are stuck. The only way out of this mortgage is to walk away. Which is SO NOT happening. People say to me ALL THE TIME, "Why don't you sell a truck?" Uh, because we are so upside down on them that we would NEVER get what we owe. Even voluntarily repo'ing it is useless as we would still be responsible for the loan.

Stuck. We have cut back in every way that we can. We don't go out and do anything that costs money. Occasionally we buy a bottle o' Captain, but only once the bills are paid. That is it. We do nothing else.

One thing that we LOVE to do, and almost feel is a necessity to do once in awhile, is to camp. I cannot explain what camping does for us. If you don't enjoy camping, you would not understand. But both T and I feel at peace when out and about with Mother Nature. And camping is rejuvenating for us. We used to go a lot. We have been once in the last 3 years.

I just booked 2 nights at a local campground for mid-November. We are both itching to camp. It cost us $40 bucks. We take whatever food we have on hand at the time, so there is not really an extra cost there. And we have camping equipment like you wouldn't believe. I have had that stuff for years, as I have always been a camper.

My parents used to take me camping all the time as a kid. I have such great memories from that. And I think that is a lot of the reason why I still love to do so to this day.

I love sitting outside amongst the stars, with drink in hand, and fire roaring. I like being around people who love to camp, even if we have no interaction. I love staying up, long past the time when most of the other campers have retired for the night, just enjoying the silence and the stars. It is renewing for my soul, and for T's as well.

So we decided that we are tired of NOT LIVING. It is the one thing that we REALLY love and enjoy and so I am not going to feel guilty about taking some time FOR US. Because to be honest, and without getting into too much detail? There quite recently was almost no more US. Things had gotten THAT bad. To the point where we were both ready to call it a day. We were saying and doing things that were extremely destructive to our relationship. (and for those that know, no, it didn't go THERE.)
But things got good and ugly. However, I do love him. And he loves me. So we have decided to give this relationship what it deserves and that is time, patience, respect and love. And some camping. :O)

My Mom will come and stay with Maya, and then drop her off with the in-laws until we get back. The next time that we go camping, Maya will come with us. We are first going to set up the tent in the yard and do a trial run with her before we attempt to actually take her. She is a trooper and seems to just go with the flow. But in this instance, we want to be sure. And we want just one more time where it is just the two of us.

I feel better already just having the reservation. I cannot wait.

P.S. My skull still effing HURTS man.
*giggles*

Taking my lumps

2008-10-22T22:21:00.005-04:00

We met up with Kris and Evan today at a local park. There was not anyone else there and I am very thankful for that. See, the last time I took Maya to the park, she would NOT go on the slide. So when we got there today, and she headed right for the slide, I was amazed. She LOVED it. I could not get her to STOP this time, to you know, maybe do other things.

Well, she was on her way to the slide yet again, when she made a pit stop at an area that had a pole that you could slide down, you know, like a fire man? There was no way she was big enough to even reach. So I yelled "MAYA NO!!" and went running for her.

Next thing I know, I am flat on my ass with tweety birds circling my head. I ran smack into a monkey bar pole. WHAM! I have a huge lump on my forehead. It hurts like a mofo. I was dizzy for about 15 minutes or so. I sat down and Kris watched Maya for me for a few. I put ice on it right away. I cannot believe that I do not have a bruise. I nailed it man. Hard.

I ended up with one whopper of a headache earlier. And now it hurts like hell if I even THINK about moving my eyebrow in any way. I never realized before just how much I actually 'use' my damned eyebrows. This would have been classic if someone had it on video and youtubed it. Seriously. But, as I said, there was no one else there.

So, aside from me running into playground equipment, the morning went awesome. I have never seen my little girl get so into it as she was today. I admit, I have not taken her to a playground in awhile because she just didn't seem interested. Not so today.

We will be going at LEAST twice a week now, with the nicer weather. She had SO much fun. We took a break and had some tuna sammies and some grapes and lotsa water. It really was a wonderful morning with her, even if my head hurt like hell.

BANG. Classic, I tell you. I didn't even know what the hell happened. LMAO!

Wrath of Grapes

2008-10-21T17:51:00.003-04:00

That is all I can get Maya to eat these days. Red grapes. Purple grapes. Green grapes. She asks for them at every snack time, every meal, all the time. And if she doesn't get her grapes? All hell breaks loose!

Oh and Cheerios. She has to have those with the grapes. I am sure that there are worse things that she could be eating. It is frustrating though as she has always been a champion eater.

She WILL eat other stuff, she just has to have grapes FIRST. So, I had a roast in the crock today. I gave her some of it, with the taters, carrots, onions, mushrooms, and celery and she would have nothing to do with it. She just about tossed it on the floor. Luckily I was there to catch it. I had to give her grapes first, now she is eating the roast. LOL. Weirdo.

Tomorrow we are doing a picnic outing with our friends Kris and Evan. Evan is a week older than Maya. He calls her 'Baby', and he is just the cutest little man. He is a total love muffin. He will come right up to you and hug you. He has these adorable dimples and it makes me want a little boy. Even if he DOES scream bloody murder when he doesn't get what he wants.

So I am packing us up a lunch, and we are headed to a park to let the monkeys loose for a bit while the Mommas hang out. :O)
The days have been gorgeous here as of late. This is my favorite time of year here in Florida. It is wonderful. I am looking forward to it muchly.

Brain dump

2008-10-20T18:23:00.004-04:00

I have a meatloaf in the oven. I wish this was smell-o-vision, because it would totally make you hungry.

The Tampa Bay Rays won last night and are going to the World Series. I need to say, I am a Red Sox fan, and have been since I was a kid. Not like a rabid fan or anything, but I watched, I rooted etc. I have red sox and my hat. I wore my hat all this week. I took a lot of heat for it. However, I rooted for the Rays, and I have been all season.

I have been to see the Rays on numerous occasions (usually against the Sox, LOL, but still. :OP) and man did they SUCK. Like, painfully so. When they started doing good this year, I was REALLY happy. For the team, and for the fans in this area who have stood by their team NO MATTER WHAT. The Trop was usually empty, and I found that quite sad. It has got to be hard to be motivated when you see the seats empty. Anyway, T and I have been thrilled with their winnings this season. When they won and moved on to the Championship series, we COULD NOT believe it.

We watched. They won. I cried. LOL I was SO HAPPY for them.

Now, had the Sox won, I'd have been just as elated. This was a total and complete win-win situation for me. Seeing the Sox sad and disappointed was no fun. But no matter how much you dislike the Rays, you GOTTA hand it to them. They went from last to first. They played some damned good ball. AND? They did it on a meager payroll in comparison to some other teams in the MLB. Good coaching, good ball playing, dedicated and focused, they DID IT. Way to go, guys. Congrats! (LOL Like anyone that has ANTHING to do with the Rays will ever read this. HAHAHAA.)

The meatloaf. Good LORD. I am hungries.

Obamamamaa was here today. I wanted to go. I did not. I am bummed about that.

I never talk politics here, but I have a post brewing. *brews*

My Maya is so cute that I can barely stand it. I randomly grab her and smoosh on her and shower her with kisses. She squeals and squeaks and laughs these big belly laughs. She grabs my face and kisses me. *sigh*

And to think that I never really wanted kids. I could totally do without the whole poopy butt thing. Other than that, she is so awesome and I am so blessed to be her Momma.

:O)

That is all for now I guess. I need to go check the meatloaf. LOL

BEST LOLCAT EVER.

2008-10-18T23:26:00.003-04:00

OMG. I nearly peed. How awesome is this? HAHAHAA!

Extra Strength

2008-10-13T20:13:00.004-04:00

I just saw this over at Kat's, and it is SO worth a re-post.

That, in case you do not know, is a pressure washer.
And I am sure it would work just fine for what it SAYS it is. Although it may kill you, your cooch would clean as a whistle!

My beautiful girl

2008-10-12T19:10:00.002-04:00

Is this not the cutest thing EVER?
Ok, so I am biased, but still. CUTE.

What the HELL

2008-10-09T03:35:00.002-04:00

I had just taken a sleeping pill. I remembered that my Mom hit the casino tonight with a friend of hers and the friends daughter. I have known these people ALL my life...
So I text Mom with "Didja win?" Before she could text me back I was asleep.

Every night before I go to bed, I put T's phone on silent because he forgets. Tonight, I didn't. I woke up to his phone ringing loudly from the living room. I grabbed my cell and headed out to put his on silent. Then I looked and saw that it was my Mom calling. And I looked at my phone and she had called me as well. All my guts sank. I knew something was wrong. I called her back right away...

They were in an accident. Some jackhole ran a red light, hit them, rolled the car, and then HE KEPT ON GOING. The fucker TOOK OFF. To say I am furiously pissed off is an understatement, and if they find this asshole, GOD HELP HIM.

Every one is ok. Mom has some scratches on her arm and is shaken up, but seems ok. She is staying here with me tonight. She didnt want to go to the ER to get checked out. Stubborn woman.

Gloria's PT Cruiser, a gift from her now deceased husband, is a complete and total loss. But every one is safe and I guess that is all that really matters at this point.

I'm still so mad I could spit tacks. Hope I can sleep. ARGH.

Taking a break

2008-10-08T08:51:00.001-04:00

*sigh*
I have some pretty heavy personal shit happening. I need to focus on life and that entails spending a LOT less time on the computer.

I will be back eventually. Take Care and play nice. :O)

Chicken soup N Coffee cake!

2008-10-06T21:16:00.004-04:00

I am so sick. I have a whopper of a head cold. My sinuses hurt. My nose runs so much that I just wander around with tissue stuck up my nose. I do that all the time when I am sick. I just call 'em nose tampons. LOL

Maya thinks it is funny, so it's all good. :O) I have sneezed well over 50 times today, swear ta God. It is unreal.

My jaw hinges hurt, it is an awful ache. I hope I am not going to get a damned ear infection or something. My throat hurts pretty bad. It started off scratchy and quickly moved on to sore. I feel like I have been punched in the neck. blah.

Have I ever mentioned how awesome my family is? My Mom came here today with hot, home made chicken soup. Seriously? How cool is that?? It was SO good. She also brought me medicine and cough drops. The soup smelled so good (I could actually breathe at the time, so I could smell and taste!) that I chowed down with no regard to how HOT it was. Now my tongue is all burnt. Fun. Thank You Mom, that was wonderfull awesome of you.

THEN? My niece Emilee and I were chatting the other night and I mentioned how I had been craving Drakes Coffee Cakes. I have not been able to find them here. So today she went grocery shopping and she bought me TWO boxes of them! AWESOME! Weee! I cannot wait to get them!

I am hoping that tomorrow I can get some photos scanned for you all. They are worth the wait I promise. Actually, I need to check with Stace first as to whether I can post or not. And with Tina and Nana (some family friends) who I think check in here..as I am mailing them printed copies. If they don't mind seeing before getting, then I shall post. :)

I am going to go. My effing jaws HURT. UGH. WTF is that about?? I think I need more chicken soup...and Nyquil. And my sleeping pill. Hopefully I will actually SLEEP tonight!

Doom

2008-10-05T20:35:00.003-04:00

T just realized that he only has ONE migraine pill left. Insurance only pays for 6 pills a month (he is prescribed 2 a day...) and we go through an mail-in pharmacy where we get 3 months at a time. He thought that he had another box. I just refilled my prescription for my meds, and that is going to take at least a week to get here. UGH.

He is going to call the Doc tomorrow to see if they can call in a refill at W@lgreens tomorrow (that is if they do not have any free samples), and we will have to pay out of pocket for it. Which is over $200. Yay.

This REALLY blows. And according to every doctor he has seen, and all the research we have done, there is nothing we can do about it.

Poor man, he is in absolute agony right now.
(sorry, crappy cell phone pic)

Ants

2008-10-05T10:00:00.002-04:00

Pictures, I know I know.
I cannot get into my office at the moment. I mean, I CAN, but, well. Life. You know?
We are having a major ant problem, and I cannot afford the money for the exterminator guy. Sucks. So I just keep vacuuming them up. Fun. NOT.

Todds migraines are really a pain in the ass as well. Talk about a total and complete disruption of life. And the people he works with don't get it. They are all "Whats the deal, they are just headaches." I wish a migraine on each of those people. Seriously.

Pfft. Anyway, as I type this, I have a toddler who demands attention, plus? More ants to suck up.

Wonder if the zoo would lend me an anteater?

Look! A post!!

2008-10-03T10:12:00.002-04:00

Jeesh. I all but forgot about this place. *shrugs*
It has been nutty around here. T is working long hours trying to get a report done. Looks like he will be working the next few weekends as well. He is back in his pattern of daily migraines again. Every year, like clockwork they show up at this time, and stay through Christmas. Fun times ahead.

I have some photos that I want to post, but for now I just wanted to knock the dust off around here. I am gonna go play with my kid!

Survivor Gabon

2008-09-26T07:46:00.004-04:00

It is no secret that I am an admitted Survivor junkie. I know some of you loathe the show. But T and I have been watching it since the very first season. While it is some of the same thing season after season, it is always different as well. The human dynamic is always changing. The challenges are a huge part of it for me as well. I am always excited to see where it is that they will be each season too. Gabon is simply amazing. Africa at its finest. I cannot imagine camping amongst elephants!

One thing I noticed about this seasons contestants, were that most of them seem completely full of themselves. This one gal, Michelle, was all bitchy because she wasn't on the team with the 'beautiful people'. Seriously?? Is THAT what this show is about??

What a shallow *bleep*!

I want to use the 'C' word here, but I shall refrain. I instantly did not like that girl. Ugh. And? Wear some damned clothes woman. I don't need to see your skeleton!!! I hope someone handed her a huge sammich as she walked off the set.

Anyway, as with previous seasons, it takes me awhile to warm up to any of the contestants. The thing that bothers me most is that these people are familiar with the game, yet... they have learned nothing. WHY would you go on Survivor wearing a DRESS?? I would have on Under Armour gear, a long sleeved shirt and either sweat pants or track pants or something, and the most expensive, comfy sneakers I could get my hands on. That way, at night and in the sun, I could cover up, and when needed I could strip down to the UA gear and be comfy and free to move around. Not that my fat ass has ANY business in UA gear, but I'm just sayin'. These yahoos are walking around in their underwear, for Pete's sake. *shakes head*

These girls wear next to nothing and then complain about how damp and cold it is at night! DUH! Have you never camped? How's about a little effing research into where in the hell it is you are going, you useless boob?!! ARGH.

Another thing? That girl that I didn't like? She got the boot. HAH! First one voted off! She was clueless as to how the game is played, IMO.

I will say this about her though, she talked about how stupid her tribe mates were, and she was right on. They booted her first instead of the the 61 year old woman who SHOULD have gone first.

Every year, we find ourselves yelling at the tv over who gets voted out and who doesn't. The choices always seem so obvious to us! Not so much to the contestants.

There is lots of drama to be had, and we just eat it all up, season after season.
I actually miss hearing Jeff say "C'mon in guys!" and "I'll go tally the votes" in between seasons. And the dimples? What can I say about the dimples?? :OP

Yes. I am clearly a dork. But you all should have known that by now...

woot!

2008-09-25T06:57:00.003-04:00

I have my windows open! *does snoopy dance*
News channel says it is 67 degrees out right now. Glorious!

:O)

YAY for babies!

2008-09-24T21:42:00.002-04:00

Chas had her babies! Chas had her babies!! YAY!!
Ugh. I cannot wait for the details. LOL
Twins. Now she has THREE girls. Lord help J in about 12 years. *giggles*

Congrats to the new FAMILY OF FIVE!! Woo!
She made it to 35 weeks! Amazing! Ahh, I am SO excited for her, for them. weee!

Mother of the Year?

2008-09-24T00:12:00.002-04:00

I put Maya to bed each night between 7:30 and 9 p.m. It all just depends on what we have done that day or what have you, as to how tired she is by what time.

Tonight, she started getting really cranky around 8, so we read to her and stuffs and by 8:30 she was in bed. By 9 she was quiet, so we went outside and vac'd the pool, and did some cleaning up out back that was needed. It is now a bit after 12, and we are getting to bed, and she is WIDE awake. T said he had heard her a few times while he was in and out over the course of the night, but since she wasn't crying or calling out for us, he just let her be.

I feel AWFUL. My kid has been in there for hours, awake. Should I have gotten her up?
I feel as though I should have. Then again, I thought she was asleep. Ugh. I just feel awful. She is not upset in any way. When I went in there just a minute ago, she was laying down, playing with a teddy bear, but STILL. I feel as though I neglected her.

UGH.

Fall

2008-09-23T17:07:00.001-04:00

I am SO jealous of all you northern people and your open windows and cool breezes. LOL
I was going to post a gripe about it (not a REAL gripe, take it easy!) but in a few months when you are all buried under snow and cursing Mother Nature, I will be the one with the cool breezes and the open windows. So THERE.
:OP

LOL

Unwanted mailbox guests

2008-09-21T10:07:00.004-04:00

Roaches. In the mailbox. Big ones. (the roach, not the box)
This is why we all go through the ritual that we do.

It has happened more than a few times over the years, but recently? It seems like every time I go get the mail, I am in a battle of wills with one of these nasty things. UGH.

A month or two ago, our neighbor had new sod put in. They dug up the old lawn and treated the ground first for weeds and what have you. This obviously disturbed undesirable creatures because next thing I knew, my mailbox was overtaken with very large ants. The mailbox looked as if it had come alive. And? Two very large roaches had taken up residence inside. This does not sit well with me, nor did it bode well for the roaches.

I marched my happy ass into my garage and came out with a very large can of RAID. I then soaked my mailbox with it, inside and out. I looked up, and my neighbor D was looking at me like I was insane.

"Hiiii. What yah doin'?" she asked.
I pointed to my mailbox and simply said "Roaches."
"Ooh" came her reply.

Just then, one RAID soaked roach attempted to fly out of the box, unsuccessfully, and landed at my feet. I backed up, and the other one came staggering out and fell to the ground as well.

"WHOAH! Those things are HUGE!" said my neighbor, all wide-eyed.

RAID dripping from my mailbox, ants falling off in mad fashion and two very angry, near dead roaches made for a very satisfied me. I then headed back to the garage, stopping to talk with D for a minute or two.

If only I had had a holster for my smoking can of RAID.....

Mail Call

2008-09-20T19:41:00.002-04:00

I have noticed something around here lately, that I find quite amusing. Over the last few days I have been observing my neighbors while they go to get their mail. And every single one of them does the same thing.

Each person opens the box with extreme trepidation, reaching out slowly, and opening the box in an even slower fashion. Then, they lean back and peer in, inching ever closer to the box with squinted eyes, trained to spot the slightest of movements.

They reach for the mail, taking it out slowly, then whisking it away from their bodies and violently shaking it.

And here I thought that I was the only one.

Any guesses as to why we must perform this ritual??

Hot for Teaching

2008-09-18T17:27:00.000-04:00

I had wanted to get Maya into the Montessori Academy down the road from our home by the time she was 3. As it looks now, that will not be happening. So, I got the bright idea to google stuff, and I just ordered a book on Montessori methods (written by its creator, Maria Montessori) as well as two other books... one of them being on teaching a 2 year old.

I have lost my damned mind.

LOL

Wish me luck!

It's a bad hair day in these parts.

2008-09-16T09:53:00.003-04:00

Accuweather.com has a 'Frizz Index' on the site, along with the UV index. I find this incredibly amusing. I so needed that back when I was in High School. LOL
Today, I shall be wearing a hat. :o)

Taking the Pea to the spray park in a bit. Weee.
Momma is gonna play this time as well. I am hoping there aren't a thousand kids there today, with school being back in and all.

Must remember to bring camera too.

We took M to the Florida Aquarium the other day. We had free passes! It was fun. She spazzed out a bit at first because she wanted to run free and we wouldn't let her.
I forgot my camera. I was SO mad. She LOVED watching the really big fish.

Also? This kid has an obsession with leaves and trees. So we took her out yesterday evening for a walk, gave her her beach pail and had her collect leaves, acorns and sticks. Today we will do her first REAL art project with them.

Seeing her putting things in her little bucket like that was so cute. Made me pine for Easter. LOL